Variety of Jokes

Mark

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."



Don't Say To A Cop

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I ****ed a few days ago...

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!



You're So Poor
If your father didn't cut holes in your pockets at Christmas, you wouldn't have anything to play with.

People from the church would run over animals in front of your house to help with food.

Beggars give you money.

You don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of.

When you asked your mom what's for dinner she opened her legs and said spaghetti!

Someone saw you kicking a can down the street, and when asked what they were doing you said, "moving".

You have to jack off your dog to feed your cat

If they had 10 cent boat rides down the river, all you could do is run down the bank hollering "That's real cheap!"

You can't afford to pay attention.

A guy walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"

Your parents got married for the rice.

I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one."

When you asked what was for dinner your mom put her foot on the table and said corn.

You live in a 2 story cracker jack box.

Someone rang your doorbell and you had to yell "Ding Dong!" out the window.

When someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says "pick a corner... any corner."

You have to fart to get a scent (cent).

You're so poor your mother couldn't afford to have you...the lady next door had you.

You go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

You buy an imitation of a fake Rolex.

Burglars bring things to you.


Jokes Again
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.
Her pale lips moved. "Jake" she said.
"Hush, " he quickly interrupted, "don 't talk. "
But she insisted, " Jake, " she said in her tired voice, " I have to talk. I must confess."
" There is nothing to confess" said the weeping Jake, "It' s all right. Everything' s all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you. "
Jake stroked her hand. " Now, Becky, don' t be concern, I know all about it'" , he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?? "

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, " I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care) . She goes for the tennis braceoet. The husband says " but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " The husband says, " no -- no -- no, honey we ' re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. " No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. " Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!!!!!!!!


A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"