Gems from the bible

sisob

I grow weary of the other threads

this one stems from many conversations with ctyiers

here is some quotation from the bible

"A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period.

On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised.

Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over.

If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.

"`When the days of her purification for a son or daughter are over, she is to bring to the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting a year-old lamb for a burnt offering and a young pigeon or a dove for a sin offering.

He shall offer them before the LORD to make atonement for her, and then she will be ceremonially clean from her flow of blood. "`These are the regulations for the woman who gives birth to a boy or a girl.8
If she cannot afford a lamb, she is to bring two doves or two young pigeons, one for a burnt offering and the other for a sin offering. In this way the priest will make atonement for her, and she will be clean.'"

Leviticus 12

if you so wish i can bestow upon you more of the gems of "wisdom" ;-)

Ferror

i got some more dirt on this guy!!

Leviticus 11
44
I am the LORD your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy. Do not make yourselves unclean by any creature that moves about on the ground.

"`When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening".

"`Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean."


unclean unclean till evening, GOD HAS SPOKEN let us come in peace

chernobyl

What about not being allowed to cut the extremities of your facial hair.

sisob

Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother."

But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also."

smiles

Originally posted by sisob
Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother."

But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so he put him to death also."

thats what all the bibles objections to masturbation are on....

<< Fio >>

(apparantly)

qwidgybo

i refer to my ted scripts book as the bible,so can i quote from that??

"down with that sort of thing"
"careful now!"

"looking for priests your own age?then call 'priest chatback' "

Elvish

here's another Ted quote. The way that brendan grace said this I fell off my couch in a spastic fit of laughter:

"So you like watching young men running around in shorts do you?!"

"And you! I bet your imagining them without their shorts on!"



Here's my favourite Bishop Brennan quote:

Bishop brennan is standing in St. Peter's Basillica in front of the pope looking quite out of it. Suddenly the life comes back to his face;

"He DID kick me up the arse!"

He he he

-rob

qwidgybo

*claps like a seal*
thanks rob!!!

my favourite EVER scene with mrs. doyle in it:
"it's just bastards this and bastards that.wall to wall bastards"
and:"ride me sideways,that was another one"

sisob

Originally posted by qwidgybo
*claps like a seal*
thanks rob!!!

my favourite EVER scene with mrs. doyle in it:
"it's just bastards this and bastards that.wall to wall bastards"
and:"ride me sideways,that was another one"

yeah - when mrs doyle talks about sex i just crack up

Elvish

Originally posted by sisob


yeah - when mrs doyle talks about sex i just crack up

Yeah, Mrs. Doyle talking about sex is really funny. I prefer the episode with the Milkman in it though ( think it's called Speed 3)

"Father, Mr........... wants to know if he can put his gigantic tool in my box."

he he he

-Rob

Elvish

here's a great one with Dougal in it (Speed 3 again).

Dougal is settling down to sleep after they blow up the milkfloat.
suddenly he sits up;

"Those women were in the nip!"

*Has a spastic fit o' laughter*

-Rob

seamus

My God, the spam in this place, almost as bad as the CS forum :D. You might be interested to know that the 'cleansing' rituals after a child's birth were still carried out in Ireland up to about 25 years ago!! That paragraph about ejaculating on the ground is a reference to the belief all those years ago, that the men carried the embryo and all, just implanted it into the woman where it grew, so it was believed that masturbation and cumming on the ground was killing the unborn child :rolleyes:
So know you know - Catholic church logic is based on 2nd century Science! :rolleyes:

qwidgybo

some classics from last nights episode:

"they were only nuns"

"how's the son?"

"aah no,billy's is rounder at the top!"

wuhoo!!i think i'll watch that one again tonight.


"then there's the f word.the bad f word.worse than feck,you know the one i'm on about.f you.f your effin wife.i don't know why they have to use language like that.i'll shove this effin pitchfork up your hole!"

mrs.doyle rocks

sisob

and

"nuns are people too"

"you couldnt organise a nun-shoot in a nunery"

imp

"My lovely horse running through the... FIELD."

"Would any customers please bring their purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close."
"NOT THAT WAY FOR FECK SAKE THE OTHER WAY!!!"

"Well... well I nevur... Tony... you're going on my list of enemies."

}:>

Lister

"I swear, the money was just resting in my account"

"Hasn't Marry got a lovely bottom, in fact all the girls have lovely bottoms"

"What happened to the car father?", "Truck, two trucks!"

Crash

"i'm Eoin McLove, and i can have you killed"

"I hear your a racist now father
Whats the church's postition on that? are we all supposed to be racist now"

"I don't care, as long as i get a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness!"

qwidgybo

aah damnit neil,i was gonna do the greeks one today!!

"never buy black socks in an ordinary shop,THEY SHAFT YOU EVERY TIME"

"god,i love saying mass"

"he really knows how to work the altar"

and ian,that whole scene with graham norton just cracks me up-i know it off by heart!

"go on....my son"

qwidgybo

on todd unctous:

"sure maybe he has a nickname like terry wogan"
"why,what's terry wogan's nickname??"
"what?that's his real name??"

Elvish

Bishop brennan is staying at teds in the episode with the rabbits (The Plague me thinks). Ted runs up the stairs and stops bishop brennan and says:

"Can i go to the toilet in your room, the one down stairs is broken"

"Well i don't know....."

"It's only a number one......"

"I don't want to know! just go!"

Ted runs in and checks for the rabbits and can't find any so he comes out.

"Oh I needed that."

Bishop brennan goes into the room and shuts the door, a strange look comes over his face.

"But there ISN'T a toilet in here........"


Ha ha ha he he he

-Rob

sisob

a classic piece of humour

qwidgybo

"did len find the rabbits yet?"

Man U babe

"I'm so excited I cant sleep"
(Dougal on exercise bike)

"Look at the way he works the chalice"

"That would be an ecumenical matter"

God, I love father ted!

Drink!

lordsippa

"Run Dougal. Quite fast... quite fast indeed."

Crash

Hehe, am i the only one who has noticed that this started off as a serious conversation about bull**** from the bible, and ended up as everyone quoting Father Ted?


Hehe

sisob

Originally posted by foobar
Hehe, am i the only one who has noticed that this started off as a serious conversation about bull**** from the bible, and ended up as everyone quoting Father Ted?


Hehe

i wouldnt called the origional conversation "serious" but i liked it

Ferror

True, When were'nt we quoting from Scripts?

qwidgybo

i believe it is i who is responsible for turning this thread into the ted-quoting one it is now.
but don't let that stop anyone from quoting from the bible.


"wait a minute!those are fake hands!"

sisob

i will be back soon with many more bible quotes - but for the moment :

Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.

---

Jack: How did that gob****e get on the television?

---

Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....

---

Fr. Stack: You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty feckers.

---

Dougal: Wait a second. You're Elvis as well!

---

Dougal: It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.

---

Dougal: So then. You're a nun?

---

Ted: Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!

---

Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !

---

Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !

---

John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal : I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John : A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal : Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary : You and Father Ted?
Dougal : Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John : Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal : Retired from what?
John : From the police.
Dougal : The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John : Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal : Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John : Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal : Great, bye now.

---

Ted : So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.

---

Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

---

Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

---

Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!

---

Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack : FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!

---

Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.

---

Jack : (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted : That's a spoon, Father

---

Ted : I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack : SACRIFICE? ARSE!

(Copyright Gary Mc Keown 1998)

---

Dougal : Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

---

Dougal : Do you believe in God, then Ted?

---

Dougal : I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted : I think that process has already begun.

---

Ted : His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal : God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted : Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.

---

Ted : The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal : Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Ted : Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.

---

Dougal : Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Ted : Dougal, they're bishops! (pause)
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.

---

Ted : I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal : It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted : ...It won't, no.

---

Ted : What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!

---

Jack : Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!

---

Ted : Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...

---

Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted : Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

sisob

yes i cheated and stole them from a father ted website

sisob

Mrs Doyle : Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle : Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle : I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle : Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle : (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle : Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Mrs Doyle : Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)