The Tonight Show with UBL

Cloud

Maybe you've seen these already (I dunno, don't hang out here much) - if not - enjoy!

...

You read about all these terrorists, most of them
came here legally, but they hung around on these
expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two
days late with a video and these people are all over
you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
-- Jay Leno

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this: he's
worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids
...and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle."
-- David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing
bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know,
it couldn't hurt."
-- Jay Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled
rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he
was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This
guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since
expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart
investments and gas and oil investments. This way,
he can use the money in his war against capitalism."
-- Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin
Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place
two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
-- Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth
$300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole
Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money,
he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50
brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me
because I had no idea he was Catholic"
-- Conan O'Brien

"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have
thousands of men who look forward to death like
Americans look forward to living, which is great
because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with
death, we'll continue living."
-- Jay Leno

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As
usual, we're number three."
-- David Letterman

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used
to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope
full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks
are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the
news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment
plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe
out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon
until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno

"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning
that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of
laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax.
Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this
promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock?
Let's put that in a box."
-- Jay Leno

"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any
letters or packages that have badly misspelled words.
Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap
industry."
-- Jay Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky
Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters
mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking
US military official Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live'

"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of
West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what
happened in New York City. The exact plot is being
kept top secret. We are the only country in the
world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the
plots to our TV shows are top secret."
-- Jay Leno

"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the
Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king
Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed
Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President
Bush has learned all their names."
-- Comedian Argus Hamilton

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to
go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they
were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."
-- Jay Leno

"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting
on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this.
If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be
Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-- Jay Leno

"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go
after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You
know what they should do? They should transfer bin
Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his
deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime
him to death with service charges."
-- Jay Leno

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the
airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is
Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the
airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How
about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go?
What, have we got caves over here now, too? Where
did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is
"Waldo".
-- Jay Leno

"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday
were exposed to a mysterious white powder they had
never seen before: The end zone."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush has urged people to get back to
normal and today Congress announced that they are
accepting bribes again."
-- Jay Leno

The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend
the U.S. full military support. You know what that
means: Both tanks."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the
highest popularity ever... if President Bush ran for
president today he could actually be elected."
-- Jay Leno

strat

hehehehe jay leno r the funneh :E