IRISH jokes

Sangre

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1.Where do you find an Irish woodworm?
Dead inside a brick.

2.How do know if a fish is Irish?
It has drowned.

3.How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he is ironing.

4.How do you keep an Irishman busy?
Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

5.How do you spot an Irishman at a car wash?
He's the one on the bike.

6.How do you sink an Irish Submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

7.How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

8.There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

9.A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. The coma continued for nearly 6 months, but then she suddenly woke up, alarmed to find that she was no longer pregnant. Frantic, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."

This caused the woman some concern, with the thought -- "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" -- flashing through her mind. With some trepidation, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

10.An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl
the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into
bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the
next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

I have plenty more so if ya want them just ask

Victor

Originally posted by Sangre
[6.How do you sink an Irish Submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

Eh, we don't have any submarines ....