worst joke???

FatB

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal,wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king: "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured!"
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess: "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
The King on the night of the wedding, curious as to what the prince had down his pants, asked the prince: "What was it in you pants that wouldn't melt?"
The prince then gave a grin and then said to the king: "M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand."

FatB

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "You drive. I'll man the guns."

FatB

An Irish woman goes to her doctor and asks to go on the pill.
The doctor replies "Im sorry mam but you are already 7 months pregnant."
"I know that doc but I want to go on the pill." replies the woman.
"I afraid I can't give you the pill because your already pregnant." said the doc.
"But I need to go on the pill doctor." pleads the woman.
"Ok then." says the doctor "why do you need to go on the pill?"
"My husdand just found anouther hole and I don't need anouther lump on my back!"

FatB

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

So I said: "Do you want a game of Darts?"
He said: "OK then."
I said: "Nearest to bull starts."
He said: "Baa!"
I said: "Moo!"
He said: "You're closest!"

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said: "Did you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said: "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it."
He said: "Those are pickled onions."

So I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris."
He said: "Eurostar?"
I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I said to the Gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said: "How flexible are you?"
I said: "I can't make Tuesdays!"

So I rang up British Telecom, I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller."
He said: "Not you again!"

He said: "You remind me of a pepper-pot!"
I said: "I'll take that as a condiment!"

Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here!"

FatB

Q: What's the difference between an afterbirth and a bicycle pump?
A: You can't eat a bicycle pump.


*** *** ***

The loony looks over the wall of the nut house and says to the farmer in the field, "What you doing man?"
"Spreading **** on my strawberries" says the farmer.
"Hell" says the nutter, "you better join me, we have cream on ours"


*** *** ***

Q: What do you do about fallout?
A: Reinsert, and shorten the stroke.

FatB

A blond was in the kitchen and the toast began to burn. It set off the smoke alarm, so she removed the toast, and then she then fanned the alarm with a towel to stop it from ringing as her husband had shown her on an earlier incident.
Much to her dismay the harder she fanned the more the alarm alarmed.
Finally, in tears, she called her husband and told him the alarm was stuck. He came into the kitchen and found out what the problem was.
"That's the doorbell you are fanning," he said.


*** *** ***

Mother was very concerned about her daughter studying in their bedroom with her boy friend.
After much frustrating thought she finally knocked on the door and opened it.
The boyfriend immediately opened the door and she said, "I have to get you to move your car."
"Oh sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No. It is at the wrong address" she replied.


*** *** ***

A group of recruits were out on a winter exercise and after a long session the realized they were completely lost.
The seven male recruits sat down and discussed what technical method could be used to find their way home.
After two hours of haggling the female simply said, "Let's just follow our snowshoe tracks back!"


*** *** ***

Smart doctor had tow oven mitts on the stirrups in the exam room.
One old lady of 80 came in and she said, "I know what these are for, they are for woman who are too hot to handle!"


*** *** ***

In Japan I had trouble with the language but I struggled on. One night I was so thirsty I went to the desk and asked for (no pleaded for) a 7UP.
I went back to my room and the drink never came.
Early next morning the phone rang. It was the desk clerk who said: "Morning call, seven up."

FatB

George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."
Oprah says, "Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet!"

FatB

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

FatB

joke one.

Rastus is standing at the edge of the platform waiting for the tube train.
"Hey Rastus" shouts a friend. "Don't stand so close to the edge. You will get sucked off when the tube arrives"
Rastus unzips his fly "Come on train" he shouts.

joke two.

Two flies are sitting on a turd.
One fly lets out a thunderous fart.
"Hey" says the other fly, "Do you mind. I am eating"

FatB

A young tourist was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied

FatB

Ben goes looking for a job! He's lucky to work for a department store, men clothing division. A guy comes in and like Ben's suit. The store manger asks Ben to give to the guy to try it. The guy eventually buy Ben's suit.
Mad at it, Ben resigns, and gets transferred to the shoe shop. Again, another guy comes in and like Ben's shoe! The store manger asks Ben to give to the guy to try it. The guy eventually buy Ben's shoe. Mad at it, Ben resigns.
Ben now works in a supermarket as a cashier. One day a woman comes and asks Ben a question. Ben drops everything and runs away. The store manager calls for security that chases and captures Ben.
After extensive search, the security guys did not find any money that Ben may have stolen. The store manager asks Ben "why did you run away?"
He replied "the woman wanted a dozen of eggs and said that we only have ten"

FatB

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right!
Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

FatB

I don't like that one at all.

FatB

Two policemen are walking down the road. One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm going to rip my wife's panties."
"Why are you going to that?" asks his colleague.
"Because the elastic waistband has been killing me all day!"

FatB

Q: What do you call a Black man with a P.H.D?
A: A Doctor, you fúcken Racist!

FatB

Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized

Shiminay

Originally posted by FatBastard
Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed were on their way to the Olympics at Salt Lake.
They were in Provo when Mohammed was arrested for merely being a Muslim.
Saddened, Jesus and Buddha continued on. As they walked, various military types came upon them asking where they were headed.
"Salt Lake City," they replied.
By now the two had gotten hep to what was going on so they thought their attire out appropriately. For now Jesus and Buddha were dressed as para-military types. They blended in quite well.

Sorry, but WHAT?

That makes no sense whatsoever - don't post stupidity, just jokes.

FatB

ooops kharn!!! i think i put only half of it in sorry!!!