George Carlin quotes:

Xterminator

>
> 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
> 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
> 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
> 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
> 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
> 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
> 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
> 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
> 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
> 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
> 11. Is there another word for synonym?
> 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
> 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all" ?
> 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
> 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
> 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
> 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
> 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
> 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
> 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
> 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
> 23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
> 24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
> 25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
> 26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
> 27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
> 28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
> 29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
> 31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
> 32. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
> 33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
> 34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"; to have an "S" in it?
> 35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
> 36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
> 37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
> 38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
> 39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

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