New Shoes!

Shiminay

I got new shoes and they're lovely. I also got a pair of boots and they're just as lovely. The loveliest thing about them all is that it was only €70/80 for the lot in a sale!

So, I've decided that I should have a competition here on the Humour board - I want the best jokes about shoes! There is a genuine prize - not a Padré Pio relic (which I'm famous for giving out). This will cost a few bob for me to post to you, but it'll be well worth it!

Rules:

• As many entries as you like per person
• Joke must be about shoes or feature shoes in it's punchline
• Judges decision will be final
• Closing Dateis Wednesday, 20th Feb at 8:00am (so I'll start judging as soon as I log on in the morning)
• Money and/or sexual favours can and will influence the judges decision

Note:
Please keep it to just jokes for the moment - don't reply with your "That was class" or "that sucked" - it'll make it easier.

Let the games begin!

azezil

Shoes just ain't funny, but here's my attempt anyway

38k image

Beruthiel

azezil is right - nothing much you can say on them, but here's my pathetic effort........

Did you hear about the woman who had a colostomy?

She tried everywhere but couldn't find the shoes to match the bag.

EL_Diablo

Here's a joke about shoes and a blonde joke rolled into one

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Rats, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Aspro

We're so poor that Mam and Dad can't afford to buy me shoes.

I have to polish my feet and lace my toes together.

BattlingCheese

A young couple is out one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

flyz

Two Marines boarded a shuttle flight out of Washington, headed for SC. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takekoff, a Soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up one of the Soldier's shoes and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the other Marine said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one, too."Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat baqk and enjoyed the remainder of their short flight to SC. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and realized immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" the Soldier askekd. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Victor

This is stolen, but ...

http://cas.bellarmine.edu/tietjen/Resources/female_brain.htm

Zoot

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All 5 million of it...Woooohooo!"

“That's great, sweetie!, she replies, "But what shoes do I pack? For the beach or for the mountains?"

"I don't really care," he replies, "Just f**k off!"




I feel like a bit of a heel with that :rolleyes:

Karl Hungus

On closer inspection these apear to be loafers...

TheWolf

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT?”
Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW FÚCKING BOOTS!!!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. ....... Shoulda bought a hat.”

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe

not the best but here ya go heard this few weeks ago

A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.

They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.'

Well, the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Pakistani said, ‘just try them on, sahib.'

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani began screaming, 'You have dem on de wrong feet!!!"

smoke.me.a.kipper

Bold smak

Victor

smak that is a bit much.

Beruthiel

well Kharn?? where's me prize?? huh??

stjohn smythe

your prize is a flock of dead pigeons. pick it up in your nearest spar branch. they'll charge you 15 cents for the bags, mind...