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lack of sex

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  • 19-02-2002 2:55pm
    #1
    ayatollah
    Registered Users Posts: 1,234 ✭✭✭


    Why We Didn't Do It
    To My Dear Wife,

    During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I
    have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed
    often.

    1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
    2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
    3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
    4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
    5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
    6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
    7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
    8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
    9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
    10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
    11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
    12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
    13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
    14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
    15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
    16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
    17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

    Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
    because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there
    was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it
    over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had
    finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


    To My Dear Husband,

    I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the
    real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

    1. Came home drunk and tried to **** the cat. . . . . . 15 times
    2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
    3. Did not cum. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
    4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
    5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
    6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
    7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
    8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
    9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
    10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
    11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
    12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
    13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
    14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
    15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
    16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

    Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because
    you were ****ing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
    ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling.
    The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
    breathe!!


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    #2
    ayatollah
    Registered Users Posts: 1,234 ✭✭✭ayatollah


    Slogans For National Condom Week


    1. Cover your stump before you hump.
    2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
    3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
    4. When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
    5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
    6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
    7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
    8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
    9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
    10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
    11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
    12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
    13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
    14. When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.
    15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
    16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
    17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
    18. The right selection! Protect your erection!
    19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
    20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
    21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
    22. Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake.
    23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
    24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
    25. No glove, no love!


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