humerous quotes

ayatollah

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"
Samuel Goldwyn.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."
Robin Williams.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carey.

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
Alfred Hitchcock.

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
Peter O'Toole.

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
Bob Hope.

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
Woody Allen.

"Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs."
Alfred Hitchcock.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country."
Clint Eastwood.

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job."
Samuel Goldwyn.

"Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?"
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it."
Rex Reed.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
Gary Cooper (on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind.").

"Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award."
Billy Wilder.

"How did I get to Hollywood? By train."
John Ford.

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
Yakov Smirnoff.

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."
Bob Hope.

"Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done."
Ernie Kovacs.


"All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."
Charlie Chaplin.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobal.

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Groucho Marx.

"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning."
Joel Segal.

"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bull****."
Mel Brooks.

"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone
directory."
Joan Rivers.

"Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs."
Christopher Plummer.

"We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday."
Dennis Norden.

"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
David Letterman.

"After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions."
Bert Lahr.

stjohn smythe

people who talk in metaphors oughtta shampoo my crotch.