One Liners

ayatollah

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."


--Jim Carrey
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"


--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "


--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"


--Warren Hutcherson
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"


--John Mendoza
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."


--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."


--Rita Rudner
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."


--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."


--Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."


--Rita Mae Brown
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"


--Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."


--Drew Carey
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."


--Jay Mohr
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."


--Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."


--Ellen DeGeneres
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."


--Bob Saget
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."


--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."


--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here'"


--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."


--Lynda Montgomery
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."


--Johnny Carson
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"


--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"


--Garry Shandling
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."


--Johnathan Katz




The Facts Of Life

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

ayatollah

Pick-up lines that will get a guy slapped...


Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I am the only one talking to you.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

If you are going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means there is more room for your tongue.



The Top 16 MENSA Pick-Up Lines

16. "This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh. Any questions?"

15. "Could you help me get this tie tack out of my hand?"

14. "Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such as yourself inhabit a locus such as this?"

13. "What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean Geometry?"

12. "Perchance, would you be inclined to participate, at my domicile, sans apparel, in a modicum of copulation?"

11. "It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I'd be overqualified."

10. "You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond all capacity for cognitive discourse."

9. "Vini, Vici, Va-va-voom!"

8. "You must be tired, because you've been running quadratic equations through my mind all night."

7. "That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes."

6. "According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now."

5. "If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would you take umbrage?"

4. "I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus."

3. "Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and strong!"

2. "By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants, calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and dividing that number by your waist size -- I conclude that you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to see me."

and the Number 1 MENSA Pick-Up Line...

1. "Baby, I'll have you barking like a *canis familiaris*."

Mr.Applepie

I likes em. Had a good laugh reading them

Eowyn

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"

some of the funniest comments ive heard in a long time!!!