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Parents

smiles

There's been a lot of stressful things going on lately (my mum's been pretty seriously ill for about 4 years, spending about 3 months a year in hospital and the rest of the time on crazy doses of tablets (including steriods) which have untold effects on her mental stability (as in constant mood swings) and her reaction to normal problems).

The main problem is that my parents keep fighting over my auntie, and my mum keeps dragging the rest of the family into things.

The auntie that they figure over is my dads only sister, she's slightly mentally handicapped, and essentially she has no common sense when it comes to day to day things, like money, changing clothes, time, etc. She works normal working hours but when she's home herself and my mum tend to get into a lot of arguments. Essentially, my mum has to act as a parent to her, like reminding her what clothes to wear if we're going out for a meal or whatever.

For the last week or so things have been on edge, Easter sunday was a complete disaster, my mum got really upset because my auntie basically ignored something she asked her to do, and my dad said that he didnt hear my mum asking her to do it at all. So basically my mum took the idea that my dad was saying she was lying.... they didn't talk at all for the rest of the day.

For me, the big problem was that my mum kept trying to explain her point of view to me and get me to sympathise, I listened but told her that i *couldnt* take sides, and she basically took it that i didn't care. (very very frustrating)

She did the same to my (29 year old) sister, who essentially told her to relax and get over it. (not the best of things) and mum stormed off and said none of us would care if she killed herself... my sister packed up all her stuff and rang the hubby and got him to bring her and the kids home. So i spent the rest of the evening threading on thin ice between them

Parents started talking again only after they saw that something was really upsetting me (seperate issue)

Things are bubbling just under the surface... any suggestions on how to defuse the situation, or how to let my mum know that she *cant* ask me to take sides, without letting her down.

(it's long, and complicated, but i'd appreciate some ideas)

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Beruthiel

Originally posted by smiles
how to let my mum know that she *cant* ask me to take sides, without letting her down.

she knows that already, the illness and your aunt are stressing her out on top of everything else, she just needs an ear, tell her you will listen to her but that you can't take sides because after all it's your dad and aunt... she'll understand that, she just badly needs to be heard.

azezil

Wow my family's not unique, we've had similar problems.

First off i take it your mom has been looking after your aunt for some time now?

Your family needs to face facts, your mom is ill and looking after a fully grown woman is hard at the best of times. It may be time to seek alternative living arrangements for your aunt. Its not the most pleasant prospect but it seems the only logical conclusion to this situation.

As for you, I know how hard it can be to listen to your parent’s worries and not being able to take sides for fear of escalating the situation. Try to remain calm and cope as best you can. Confide in others, its' never healthy to keep such emotional stress bottled up.

smiles

Originally posted by Beruthiel
she knows that already, the illness and your aunt are stressing her out on top of everything else, she just needs an ear, tell her you will listen to her but that you can't take sides because after all it's your dad and aunt... she'll understand that, she just badly needs to be heard.

Apparently not, being there for her to talk to is fine, but i cant give her an opinion back, because its not fair on anyone and she's not happy with that.

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azezil

Originally posted by smiles

Apparently not, being there for her to talk to is fine, but i cant give her an opinion back, because its not fair on anyone and she's not happy with that.

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you need to really enphasise your support and understanding, a good cry always helps

Clintons Cat

does she try to get you to agree then use it in arguements with the other members of your family?

If you could arrange to look after your aunty whilst your parents took a short break away from the responsibilities of caring for your aunty on top of your mothers own problems,the best bet would be a short weekend or mid week break,more than that and guilt at being away would probally cause problems.

smiles

Originally posted by azezil
First off i take it your mom has been looking after your aunt for some time now?

It's not *looking after* as suh, kinda keeping an eye on and reminding her of things to do/not do, mentality of an naive 8 year old kinda. But yes, my auntie has lived with us for the last 8/9 years, moved in with us (along with my granny who died last year) after my granny had a major heart attack.

Originally posted by azezil
Your family needs to face facts, your mom is ill and looking after a fully grown woman is hard at the best of times. It may be time to seek alternative living arrangements for your aunt. Its not the most pleasant prospect but it seems the only logical conclusion to this situation.

thats impossible, she's as much a part of the family as anyone else, and it not somthing to be written off when the going gets though i'm afraid. Only sibling is my dad.

As for you, I know how hard it can be to listen to your parent’s worries and not being able to take sides for fear of escalating the situation. Try to remain calm and cope as best you can. Confide in others, its' never healthy to keep such emotional stress bottled up.

it's kinda hard to explain stuff and talk to people, i tend to keep my own stuff to myself, well the big stuff anyway stays pretty much inside me, just the way I am i guess.

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smiles

Originally posted by Clintons Cat
does she try to get you to agree then use it in arguements with the other members of your family?

I *dont* agree or disagree, as a family we dont really fight that much (put it this way, i've cursed at my parents once in my life), they tend to be very reasonable and sensible, and i know it is just the medicine and stuff that leaves her like this, but there is a bit of stubornness on both sides of my family.

If you could arrange to look after your aunty whilst your parents took a short break away from the responsibilities of caring for your aunty on top of your mothers own problems,the best bet would be a short weekend or mid week break,more than that and guilt at being away would probally cause problems.

Well, good advice, myself and my sisters sorted this out for the week before last and the parents went to Mayo for a mid-week break, came back happy but the arguments kinda started again after that.

Looking after my auntie is rather difficult, she is a grown woman and doesnt have her own views and stuff, but they're naive and need a lot of guidance usually. It stressed me out enormously during the summers (when my mum is usally in hospital) and i'm left looking after my auntie (and before my nana died, her too). So i can empathise with her...

but my auntie is fine, she gets upset when people get angry around her, but i can usually talk to her and explain whats happening, but trying to get my parents to talk is like getting blood from a stone, both will back down, but the problem is still beneath the surface kinda.

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Ivan

And your pen name is Smiles, now thats irony...

Seriously thought, as the guys said. You do need to listen to her, and make some attempt to sympathise and comfort her. Thats not taking sides. Thats providing moral support. Taking sides would be attempt to argue with your father/Aunt on behalf of your mother, which I'd recommend against. That said, I'd discuss it with both your mom + dad privately that you think they need to sort it out, that your worried. Hopefully you'll scare them bad enough to cop onto themselves before things get really messy.

I know this isnt the most tactful post, but its a scary issue.

Ivan

apiou

I agree that you do need to listen. But I a

apiou

Sorry got cut off there.

Under the circumstances - is there no where else that your auntie can go to live for a while - even on holidays - it is always a stress having somebody from the family living at home but when somebody has health problems like your mom and your she seems to be the one that is looking after your auntie - this is an explosive situation and can cause a lot of damage to your family - I understand that it is your dads sister - yet - he may have to see the reality that your mom can not cope.
The best of luck as you will need it - if things do not sort themselves in the very VERY near future - my advice to you would be for you to take a break and get away from home for a few weeks (but nothing foolish as I do not know what age you are).
I do hope that the situation will get better

mocar

just wondering what age are you? if that is not a rude question..

smiles

My auntie is staying here, we all look out for my auntie (not *just* my mum), but everyone else has moved out/got married (3 other siblings) and now it's just me left at home.

I'm 17, thats not a rude quesion.

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smiles

Originally posted by apiou
Under the circumstances - is there no where else that your auntie can go to live for a while - even on holidays -

There isn't really, she stays with my sister for a few days at a time the odd time, but my isster is very pregnant and already has 3 kids (2 of whom are autism) and all under 4)

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apiou

You are seventeen, ok that makes it different. You are probably nearing your leaving cert so you have the added problem of your near future.
Listen to your mom, take it all with serenity and start thinking about your future. Make plans even if you change them but make plans really thought through plans - it will keep you going as you will have something really good to look forward to -
good luck

Xterminator

First of all, Smiles, you have my admiration for being able to cope with the situation this far.
I know how hard it can be.
Youre instinct is not to side with your mother on disputes, and I'd agree with you there.

It might do no hard to have a 'netural' converstion with your mum, to remind her youre there to help where possible, and remind her you love her too. You might have to pick a good time for that.

A quiet word with your dad too, expressing any concerns you have. (I suggest you take the tack, 'i am concerned about' or It worries me' rather than 'You and Mam' type statements.

Youre parents marriage is obviously under strain. Perhaps they might benift from some professional counselling.

You are going to have to make a few major decisions in the next few years. (leave home /go to college/ take a job .etc)
Decide what you think is youre fair share of responsibility, and dont allow feeling of guilt to decide youre future.

Good luck.

X

phobos

First of all, Smiles, you have my admiration for being able to cope with the situation this far

I second that Smiles, I think you're doing fine, considering what's going on around you. Now what I'm going to say has more to do with you, than anybody else. First of all you have to be aware that none of this is your fault, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent your present environment. I've had family problems in the past too (it's very rare not to have, at some stage). My parents split up when I was about 6 or 7, but the problem is that the law had to intervene god knows how many times since then. My father now lives in Dublin, while myself and my Mom are still in Galway. There was one event after the other and there was times I thought I wouldnt' be able to cope. I did things like invented problems, but that's only because I wanted attention, and didn't feel comfortable talking about the real problems.

In the end I went and talked to somebody neutral (a Councellor). It;s the best move I ever made, and it put my head straight. A neutral person is someone that doesn't know anybody in your story, and will not say things like "Ah come on, *Smiles*, you know your father would freak if you did that.....". At first I was reluctant because that kind of therapy has got this whole "Hollywood Shrink/Nuts" aspect tied to it. But I can tell you it's not like that at all. These people are professional, they want to help, and they know how to get to the root of the problem and make it all better. Nobody has to know about it at all (not even your parents if you don't want to)

The reason I am mentioning the whole councelling thing, is because you started this thread because you had something bothering You. You can't sort out the problems of your home all by yourself. You have already been put in aukward positions by your mom. I don't think anyone on this these boards can give you professional answers to your problems. Anyway the kind of help that you need, shouldn't be discussed on a public forum, it should be kept private. You mentioned things like

Parents started talking again only after they saw that something was really upsetting me (seperate issue)

I have no idea of what that could have been, nor is it any of my business. But by talking to someone who can help you, you will come out of it and be able to live up to the name that you picked for browsing these forums

Good luck mate

;-phobos-)

smiles

Thanks phobos, but things aren't actually that bad, i was just getting pretty stressed with everything that was going on (ie. Orals this week and next).

I'm actually fine, stuff has been annoying me but not to a majorily serious extent.

Anyway, maybe someday when you meet me you'll see that i tend to live up to my nickname (ie. usually address with "So *your* smiles?")

Thanks again

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