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New Rules

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  • 25-04-2002 10:39am
    #1
    ayatollah
    Registered Users Posts: 1,234 ✭✭✭


    SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
    If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
    you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
    anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
    constitutes a breach of employment.

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
    for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
    made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
    cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
    be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
    work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early,
    provided your share of the work is done enough.

    YOUR OWN DEATH:
    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
    two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
    we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.

    For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go
    from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
    from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted
    time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn
    comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their
    time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
    approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute
    time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
    sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
    provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions
    comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
    aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
    contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed
    elsewhere. Have a nice week.

    The Management


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