A few of my problems - Suicide.

Karl Hungus

Where do I start with this?
I don't really know, I don't have things in order, like RopeDrink has.
I'm not sure of any real dates of events in my life, so it's pretty hard to know where to begin.

I suppose to get a good idea of some of my problems, a good place to start would be sometime last year.
It was my friend Murray's birthday, and we all went out drinking, and to a nightclub afterwards.
It was also my friend Connor's birthday on the same day, him and Murray were pretty good friends, and he knew him a lot longer than I did.

In the following weeks after this, maybe about a month, Murray got killed.
I suppose you could say he killed himself, as him and a few friends were out playing chicken.
They were seeing who could get close enough to a train as it passed, and murray got clipped, and was killed instantly.
I was pretty upset also, because my grandmother, who I was very close with, had also died not too long before that, and I was still upset about that.
So Murray's death came a bit too sudden for me to handle.

Shortly after that, a friend who was with him at the time he died killed himself by blowing his brains out with his father's shotgun.
My friend Connor became addicted to drugs, and deeply alcoholic. He hasn't spoken to me since, and won't talk to me at all.
I see him around all the time, but he'll never even look in my direction. I'm told from other friends that he hates me, but he never says why.
So I lost a few friends at that time, which was an awful lot to handle.

Earlier this year, a friend of mine was pretty upset because a friend of her's killed herself.
Now, I didn't actualy know the girl, but it brought back memories.
All the events with Murray came right back up and really hit me hard, so I got really depressed.
I decieded to make a thread about how I was feeling, thinking that getting some of it off my chest might help.
It didn't. Almost all the replies were downright snide and sarcastic comments.
Most of that didn't really matter, it was dumb things like: "If yer feeling so down, stop listening to bands like Morbid Angel!"
Irronically, I don't actualy listen to Morbid Angel, but a lot of peeps were just poking fun, and not giving a damn.
But, there was one comment that really pissed me off. Someone said "Why don't you go and kill yourself, like a good little goth?"
That seriously upset me, but thankfully, there were two people that actualy cared, and I talked to them about it on irc later.

I felt pretty good after talking about it.
The two I was talking to were Iceman, and Dustaz.
So, if you two read this at all, thanks.

Now, you'll have to know about this before I can go any further.
When I was a kid, about 14/15, I tried to kill myself.
I got into self mutilation at the time, and I still have a few scars left.
I found that it helped to releive my flustration as a kid, and that I generaly felt better after it.
When I was really upset at one stage, and I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists, I discovered that the pain of cutting myself seemed to be enough to calm me.
And I always covered up my scars, and never told anyone, or showed anyone.
It pisses me off now that I see kids with scratches and cuts all along their arms, and they are flaunting them like it's a fashion statement.
Not sure if anyone can relate to that or, not but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
Around the same time in my life, I got to the stage where I didn't want releif, but seriously wanted to end it all.
I took to drinking bleach, and if my parents hadn't arrived home at that time, and rushed me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped, I'd be dead.

Now, the thing is, I thought I was over all that then. That I had been through that, and was over it.
But a few days ago I spent about an hour in the toilet contemplating killing myself again. But I'm not going to mention my reasons at this time.
Thankfully I didn't do it, and probably won't think about it again for some time, if ever.

The things is, after that, I came on the internet and I felt like talking about it.
Now, instead of writing a thread about it, and be laughed at again, I decided to talk about it on irc.
I PM'd someone (Who shall remain nameless) I thought I could talk to for a while, and after a little, I was told to **** off.

Now, as of this kinda track record, it seems rather foolish me trying to talk about things again, but after my friend RopeDrink's thread, with no a hint of snide remarks or sarcasm, I kinda feel that I might give it one last shot, and see what happens.

But of course, this is barely the tip of my problems, and I don't feel like talking about my whole life's problems in one big lump as Ropedrink did.
There's MANY things a lot more severe than what I've already mentioned that I have no notion of talking about yet, and I don't know if I ever will...
I guess we'll see how this thread goes.

I would like to ask that if anyone has anything bad to say, they can keep it to themselves.
But that's not too likely, is it?

TacT

Do things that make you feel happier or help you get more from life, that's one depressing history of events you've laid out there and I don't know what else is on top of it all, try not to let it affect you too much (hard as it may be, you gotta keep on smiling).

I can't offer any words of wisdom here because the only person I've had die that was v.close to me was my grandad and we were very close and I was depressed but like anything I eventually came round and was back smilin again

Talk to the rest of your friends and particularly your councellor/family about you're problems and especially the wanting to end your life part

Don't give up on yourself man!

Remember the good times you had with your friends when they were around, and try as much as possible to let the thoughts of good times you had take over from the bad times that are swelling inside of you. This is probably the hardest thing to do but you have to let go, none of it is your fault and I don't know enough about the rest of your situation so I'll stop ranting now, take it easy and remember the good times eh!

as per rope if you need a chat my mail is in my profile, feel free to pm me, always look on the bright side of life (hard it may be to find but there is always one, remember that!)

azezil

I think you'll find that people, on this forum anyway, are generally considerate and well mannered.

I don't have time for a big supportive reply right now but i just wanted to comment on this

It pisses me off now that I see kids with scratches and cuts all along their arms, and they are flaunting them like it's a fashion statement.
Not sure if anyone can relate to that or, not but I thought it might be worth mentioning.

I know the feeling, some neighbors of mine were the same, one day when comparing their stupid scratches and eoowwing at them, then i produced my foot long scar... shut them up fairly lively

Anyway gotta go, hopefully someone else will post something of greater substance.

Karl Hungus

Thanks.

Now, let me make this clear, I've been to counselors before.
I just wanted to get this off my chest with a few people that I knew.

I don't really want to be told anything, I just wanted to get something that has been bothering me lately off my chest.

And that what I've talked about here, is all I'm willing to talk about.

Lex_Diamonds

Maybe a change of scenery would help. Seeing the same old place and people probably stirs up bad memories time and time again.

I know moving would be a big step but it might be what you need.

*straw clutching ends*

Corega

I ain't taking the piss here m8 and I would'nt want to wish all the horrible **** that happened to you upon anyone but seriously with such a substantial amount of depressing things that have happened to you I would recommend a psychologist it might or might not work but give it a shot for your own sake.

TacT

I have an Uncle who is going through depression, only through the winter months albeit every year. He has opted for 8 months in Barbados doing what he loves and I'm hoping it will do him good. I think you might need a break (as lex and others suggested a break is always a good thing)

ok obviously you can't afford an 8 month programme in barbados but think of something else, is there a girl you care a great deal for in your life atm? If there is I suggest you both make a retreat somewhere for a week

What makes you forget these things/situations that have arised in your life, if you can think of something try to focus more energy on that, it may help. Rope seems to find help in writing so it only seems logical to me that you are still searching for "something"


gl whatever you choose to do.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Chaos-Engine

I never really now how to reply to a post were someone spills some of their heart(and mind) into the open.

The suggestion of getting away from teh negativity is a promising one though. I had some serious problems and contiplated ending it all over xmas but avoiding those ppl that casued the memories and pain really helped me. Friends too.

I'd be clad to nater on IRC but i don't really know what to say on the board. Hang on man

Karl Hungus

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
I can only suggest that you go see a councillor again...and show this post.

Out of interest ..would you show this post?

Show this post?
Dunno, really...

Suicide is something I've talked about with counsellors before, so I don't see any problem with it.

DeVore

Hmm... this isnt a therapy board so I think you would want to be careful about allowing yourself to become vulberable to anonymous people but:

If things are bad I think about a quote from Winston Churchill of all people:

"If you're going through hell, keep going"

DeV.

phobos

Ken,

Some people in here might say some things from time to time, that get people down (you being targetted, more than others, I have noticed). But having said that, I don't think anybody in here actually means any harm, by their comments.

I ain't taking the piss here m8...

What a rather strange thing to say there Corega, coz there is nothing wrong with seeing a psychologist (which you pointed out, so why mention it in the first place?? ). Some of you guys probably read my long post at the end of Kharn's thread on Dealing with the loss of a parent. So I can speak first hand on attempted suicide. It's a horrible state of mind to be in, and the day I was released from hospital, I had to meet a psychologist, for a bit of a chat, and frequently for a few months afterwards. You wouldn't believe how good these people are at their jobs. So much so, I don't feel afraid anymore of contemplating suicide, coz if things ever get that bad again, I know where to go.

Ken you know better than to listen to people ranting on about your personal tastes (music, dress, etc). There are plenty of people out there (and in here), that would prefer you to talk about your problems, than for you to go and do something stupid. It's always easy for someone (like me, right now) to say that to you, but you just can't go through your life thinking, nobody gives a **** about you, because that's not true. I don't know you very well, but I wouldn't like to see anything bad come your way.

I'm sorry I tend to rant on a little. But the moral of my post is not to lock yourself away. Just realise that there are people who are just waiting for you, to ask for help, and by all means be as selective as you want, when choosing those people, because my friend, there are many out there.

;-phobos-)

phobos

crap I hit the button twice :rolleyes:

;-phobos-)

Karl Hungus

I've never said I'm getting upset at anyone saying anything about any of my personal tastes. And I really don't want people telling me to see anyone. I've seen people before, and most likely will again.

I'm just saying that I needed to get that **** off my chest.
I feel like I know a lot of people here, and half of them I know in real life.
So I do think it's as good a place as any.

Clintons Cat

angel i will try and compose a better reply in the near future,but all i can say is regarding your former friend conner hating you it is not unusual for people the externalise/scapegoat their feelings of rage/guilt/blame onto a third party when dealing with the unexpected loss of a close friend.The is further complicated by your friends addiction,addicts do have a tendency to alienate themselves from people who knew themselves before they got into drugs.
One of my best mates at college got into heroin and despite my own (reletively minor)drug problems last summer we can barely string a sentence together,before feeling uncomfortable in each others presence.Compound that with conners own feelings of guilt/shame and i think you can understand why you are no longer friends,given he seems unable to give your other friends a concrete reason for hating you i think it is safe to assume he is irrationaly externalising his own problems.

I dont really go into irc much but if you need to talk to someone sometime,you can pm me anytime in confidence.
PS hope to see you at one of those boards beer events one day

Karl Hungus

Actually, that's pretty good.
It seems to make sense.
Dunno what to say relaly, but that seems to give me some insight.

the fnj

One thing that has always bothered me about this country is the way it treats people with depression. Depression should be looked upon as an illness (like the flu) and treated in the correct manner. Unfortunately people who suffer from depression are stigmatised they aren’t given jobs and they are outcast from society.

I can relate to a lot of what you said in that thread. It’s kind of weird reading something like that because for years I used to think I was the only person in the entire world feeling the way I do/did.

Going to councillors is defiantly a great help but you should try (you probably already do) develop coping mechanisms for when you do feel down. I know when I really feel bad there are certain things I can do to vent it. I also have certain people that I know I can talk to if I need to try and get something off my chest.

The most important thing is not to try and bury your problems, trying to ignore the problem or trying to hide from it never ever work. It’s a bit of a cliché but it’s very true.

I know I don’t know you that well but if you ever want to talk about it just say the word and I’ll give you a call I can relate to so much of what happened to you I may be able to offer advice.

Of course it probably wouldn’t be great advice because I turned out pretty messed up

Corega

Quote from phobos

What a rather strange thing to say there Corega, coz there is nothing wrong with seeing a psychologist (which you pointed out, so why mention it in the first place??


I think a lot of people these days have problems with seeing psychologists and the like. This is due to the fact that if you do go and see these type of people it's basically stating that you have a problem and some people don't like admitting that. On the other hand if I was in Angel Whore's shoes I would have no prob going to see anyone who might even in the slightest be able to help me.

Whatever happens I hope you do manange to get over your depression and manage to live a good life.

Maybe my signature might cheer you up

Beruthiel

Clintons Cat got there before me Ken, I think your friend Connor is trying desperately to cope with what's happening to him, by spreading the guilt out to someone else means he doesn't have to blame himself as much - however, it's obvious he still does and is trying to kill the pain with drink and drugs - he will never get 1% better while he numbs himself, you can't help him right now until you have sorted yourself out first. Nothing like this has ever happened to me tg, so I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. After meeting you in April, I came away with the impression that you are a grand lad, with a lot going for you, time does make things a little easier, insofar as you will cope better than perhaps you are right now. Take good care of yourself, do things that you like to do, and take one day at a time (I have found that looking too far ahead can freak any of us out).
As you have said you do not want to see a professional again there is not much point in me telling you to, but I think that if you start to feel suicidal again PLEASE go and see somebody immediately - you are very young to have so much sh*te happen to you already, but you are alive and many good things WILL happen to you in the future, I promise you that.
If you need to pm me, I'm here.

Karl Hungus

I didn't say I don't want to see a professional again.
I've talk about these things to people before.

I think I put this here more to let you all know a few things about me.

Don't really get the idea that I'm depressed, I'm not...
I just kinda pulled myself out of a bad stint after something happened, and felt like talking about it.

I'm thinking that a few of you are kinda getting the wrong impression about this thread. But thanks all the same. Like I said, it still good to know that people here aren't as spitefull as others. And thanks to all who replied. I think maybe that it makes me feel better that I let you people know that I'm not always the happy chappy, and that I have problems.

I also have to say thanks to RopeDrink, a good friend of mine, because I probably wouldn't have posted this up if he hadn't posted his. But then there still is an awful lot of things that I'm not going to talk about yet.

smiles

Ken, there's nothing i can really say, except that i hope you know that you can talk to me if you ever want to.

As for kids who cut themselves and show it off? Well then for some of them it is a simple cry for help, i know a lot of people like that and while some of them are sick and do it to try to fit in, there are others who pretend it's to fit in but in reality it is asking for help.

<< Fio >>

Dont be at yourself

With any people I know, the ones who proudly display the scars aren't crying for help - its the people who cut themselves but don't show the scars.

AW: I'm awful at giving advice, but I would suggest not letting these things build up and up until they get out of control - address the situation as it occurs, so it won't come back to haunt you later. And you have my ear should you need to talk (or just lick).

Cake Fiend

As I said in Rope's post, the best people to talk to about this are not random anonymous webboard readers - you should talk to close friends for real help. It's easy enough for anyone to say 'go see a shrink', but in real life it's not that feasible. Talk to people who know and care about you.

But I think you'd be surprised at the number of people reading your post who would be able to closely identify with your situation.

Dustaz

Angelwhore, rather than comment on your story, what i would say is that an internet forum is not the place to go to for help. You said you just wanted to get things off your chest, you need to ask yourself why you need to go to this board to get it off your chest when you know youll be hurt by flippant remarks (i dont think ppl who reply with stop listening to morbid angel are really in the 'i dont care' department).

Go to a therapist or a councillor and talk out what you need to talk out. Do it soon. It will be much more useful than posting here.

Then post back here about something gothlike so we can get back to putting your musical/lifestyle choices down )

mayhem#

Seems like there has been a lot of **** in your life lately.
However think of the good & enjoyable things that happen to ye, top yerself and the're gone too.
'nuff said..

apiou

Hi,

I agree totally with LEX but I would add, if you can get a bit of money together go somewhere where you are totally lost (like China for example) and do not speak the language. It may help you a lot more than you may think. Avoid all the places like the UK, France, Spain etc they are too near and to familiar.

I had being helping a friend get over a very bad loss over the past year and a half - two months I helped persuade her to go to Bali for a wedding (i know it is a long way to go for five days). During the build up to it I saw that she was already begining to feel that bit better about herself - then two days before she left she was like a kid before a big event and I was more than delighted for her. She went off to Bali and I rang the hotel where she was going to leave a message for her to enjoy her holiday. It is strange how small things count - She came back a different person - Not that she does not still suffer but she has got the love of life back and is looking forward to things something she has not savoured for a long time. Think about it. If you do not have enough money do not let that be the end of it - maybe your friends can help out.

Concerning RopeDrink - he has not answered to anyones comments over the past week - If you know him could you find out if he is ok.

On your old friend who does not talk to you. I know that that is one of the most hurtful things that can happen - maybe if you wrote him a letter. Everybody mournes in different ways and it looks as thought he is not coping at all. Try to look at that side and not that he does not like you anymore. He is probably a very mixed up person at the moment and maybe he has nobody to talk to about all that happened.

Karl Hungus

Originally posted by apiou

Concerning RopeDrink - he has not answered to anyones comments over the past week - If you know him could you find out if he is ok.

He's grand, but he doesn't get on the net that much.

RopeDrink

I also have to say thanks to RopeDrink, a good friend of mine, because I probably wouldn't have posted this up if he hadn't posted his. But then there still is an awful lot of things that I'm not going to talk about yet.

Ken, hate to bring this up but I feel it may be relevant.
I remember when my mother was transferred to the Regional Hospital, and one of the days when my father, Ashleen and I decided to visit her, your grandmother was in the bed opposite my mother.

I saw how distraught you were and it bugged me - Im very used to you being a happy, jovial (If not satanic and all out psychopathic) type of bloke. That day you never smiled, and seemed very down. That was the day I realised that I, myself, am not the only person who was being ravaged by problems - That day helped me understand you a little more.
As a true friend, all im going to say is that you know very well 99.9% of the time you ever ask to call up to the house, you are instantly told to "Get your arse up here" - Why? Because your one of very few people I trust, respect and regard as a true friend.
I did not witness any of your previous problems other than your grand mothers situation, and that alone is distressing, yet as for the rest (Which I haven't experienced before), I dont want to comment - I haven't the capacity to.

The only thing I can say to you is that you have my ear mate, whenever you want it - I am there.

Sorry I couldn't write a better response - I really don't know what to say, other than you've got my support.

Concerning RopeDrink - he has not answered to anyones comments over the past week - If you know him could you find out if he is ok.

Im perfectly fine. I just lack a home net conn, so Im unable to continuously keep check of my thread. Im perfectly fine, and getting ready to head back to work now that my lunch is over - Thanks for the concern.

Ken, want to call up later!?

Lolo

I think everyone on here as already given you loads of good advice, just thought I'd add a few points:

1) Talking to counsellors/ therapists etc. doesn't work for everybody but in your case I think it would
2) Even going somewhere not-very-foreign like the UK still helps a hell of a lot (you might not be able to afford to go somehwere mucho exotico)
3) Listening to depressing music when you're depressed actually makes you feel better! Tis true... the trick is, if you want to change your mood, first listen to something expressing your current state of mind, then something reflecting the state of mind you would like to be in. Works for waking yourself up/ calming youself down etc. as well.
4) Facetious fu ckers who make light of your depression just cause you're a bit of a Goth should be ran through with a large, sharp instrument and fed to rabid coyotes
5) When you're in the middle of a very bad patch it's very hard to see things getting better, but they will eventually - as Ms. Patti Smith said: "We're only given as much as the heart can endure".
I don't know if it's your kind of thing musically, but her "Gone Again" album is the best album about bereavement ever written and I'd highly recommend it.

Kix

Ken,

I think that it can be good and healthy just to put your hand up and say "I had/have depression". I don't talk about mine that much any more but when I was in the middle of it I prefered that people knew. I didn't feel like being stigmatised, I was already going through enough. If people couldn't deal with it, fine. Actually I found that nearly everybody was excellent.

If that's what you're looking to get through this, I hope you do. Dusty clearly knows a bit more about your troubles and he might be right about this not being the right place to deal with stuff but, whither-or-which, I'm really impressed by the sensitivity and level of support that's available here. It's a nice little community and we should be well proud.

Anyway mate, keep yourself together. Concentrate on the good, healthy things in life. Those little pleasures which have no unhealthy associations. Beware of drinking and drugs, even relationships. These are the things which can shake a person when they just need time to heal. Don't be afraid to say "no" to people, to let them see how you're feeling.

If the pain is too much, and I don't know that it is, don't be afraid of asking a GP for anti-depressives. They can level you and give you a base to work from. I wouldn't say they're a nice thing to take but just look at it as an investment in time - 6, 12, 18 months, whatever until you get back on your feet. It's a small price to pay for your life and happiness.

As for the mongs and pis*takers, fuc* them. People like that are either too stupid or too scared to be worth worrying about.

Wish I'd thought of saying this to Rope too but I'm not the most structured writer. Bit of a rambler.

Take care m8.

K

RopeDrink

Wish I'd thought of saying this to Rope too but I'm not the most structured writer. Bit of a rambler.

Good Christ, what does that make me then!?
"Whinge Incarnate!"

Either way it was a nice ramble.