mum probs

LegacyUser

i think that my mum is cheating on my father , and he appears to be turing a bling eye , i am old enough to be told 22 , but i am afraid to confront them . If i do then they will either deny it and make me feel bad , admitt it and make me feel bad , or simply tell me that i am stupid .

i was thinking of following my mother to mass (she goes to mass at 8pm every night) but i don't think that there is mass around here at that time. My dad is away alot , so its just me and the puppy at home when my mom leaves . I think that she left in the middle of the night and came back early on monday morning this week.

i do have my own life , and i am not that worried about being left on my own , but i feel sorry for my dad , he has nobody besides me (only child & parents both dead) , he does have a few work mates , but thats all.

also my mum has started to be nicer to me , she gave me €50 to go to dublin last week end to visit a mate and it was her idea. am i paranoid ?

LegacyUser

Well basically the diffident situation is execrable, you must conurbate the voluptuary equipoise with a sporadic attitude. Your mother's cormorant provenance solicitates a timorous riposte. Your father's brackish solecism will eventually cohort a feeling of senescence and an exegesis on your part.

sceptre

Firstly it's good that you feel you're in a position that you could cope if your parents did break up. Hopefully you're also in a position that you could support yourself financially if you can't cope with the possible fallout.

To some extent, it's a matter between your parents. That's fairly simplistic, so I'll ignore that for the moment.

It's affecting you already. Even before you actually know anything's going on. That makes it your problem. I don't thionk following your mother to see what's going on is a good solution, but if you feel there's no other way to relieve the pain you're feeling at the moment, you may not have another option. Keep in mind though how you would feel if one of your parents was following you (or opening your post, whatever) and got caught in the act.

The best solution may be confrontation. Possibly a straight question put to your mother. I'd hope that your parents wouldn't lie to you. However it's unlikely that your mother would just admit to it if she is seeing someone else or something like that. An evasive answer will just make you feel more suspicious, which will put you back where you are now (or feeling worse)

Where marriages have problems over time, people are very loath to actually talk to each other about it. Or going to counselling or actually doing something about it.

Don't know if the above is of any help but this won't be the only (readable) reply, I'm sure.

The Corinthian

Regardless, there's frankly nothing you can do about it. Even if you discover something, what are you going to do about it? Confornt one of them? Tell the other?

Trust me - forget about it. The most yo can do is keep the potential financial implications of a marital breakup in mind, in relation to yourself.

Mutz

If its eating your mind up, Follow your mom and find out. It will avoid Confronting her and creating more bad feelings that there is already.

If you do see her meeting with someone, say it to her in private and urge her to tell your Father. Dont threaten to tell him if she doesnt do it, unless you feel it is necessary.

Its a really hard situation but whatever you think yourself will probably be the best thing to do.

Best of luck m8

Oeneus

Well here's an idea. Ask if you can have €50 from your mother to go to Dublin again. But....
Don't actually go to Dublin. Hang around your local town for a bit, then come back home about an hour later. Let yourself in the house and if there is a guy there be all surprised and stuff.

My guess is you'll get introduced and then questions will pop up about why your not in Dublin. You say the bus didn't arrive etc.

And Hey hey! You've solved the puzzle without any spying on parents...and you've got 50 quid!

Beruthiel

what is it that you think you will do if you find your mother is seeing someone else? I'm not sure she will appreciate the fact you followed her. There is not a lot you can do in this situation. If she is not happy with your dad, then do you not think she is entitled to be?
Whatever you know about their relationship, you can be sure it's only a small precentage of what is truely going on between them.
You are an adult now, get on with your life, leave them to theirs and whatever comes along in the future you will have to take on the chin - do not get involved in this as you will most possibly make a bad situation worse. Is it that you think you can talk some sense into your mother? I am quite sure, if she is up to something, she has thought long and hard about it.
I know you feel sorry for your Dad, but, seriously what can you do for him, we each make our own lives as he has his, perhaps he didn't pay enough attention to your mother, I don't know, so I'm only guessing. Just be there for him, that will be enough. Don't take sides if you can possibly help it.
I hope I am not coming accross as harsh, but I know it's hard not to be emotional in a situation like this.
Try to be happy that you had them together for 22 years, which is more than most, and even if the worst comes to the worst, you will still have them.
I wish you luck.

Walls

What makes you so certain your mother is having an affair? You don't offer any evidence. The fact that she leaves the house every evening doesn't really say anything. This may in fact be nothing at all. I would advise you, however, not to go investigating. There is usually very little to be gained by invading people's privacy. Let it go.

FreaK_BrutheR

Sometimes peopple know these thhings and decide not to do anything about them, ie your dad might know about it and just accept that he is unwilling to change/ make the effort to make things right again so just lets it go on turning a blind eye.

Its often easier than dealing with the reality of it all.

Then, when it is pointed out to them they then feel forced to do something about it thinking, "wekll i can't have them thinking a soft touch"etc. fairly common thing.

I don't think people should tell people about their spouses having affairs really. Just my opinion , and trust me I''ve been in and experienced ALOT of these type of problems

seamus

TBH, you're 22. I'm assuming you have some sort of job, and if you're in college, you're nearly finished. What I mean is, you're an adult now, and as such have your own adult life to deal with. Your parents are adults. If your mum is cheating, then it's not really your problem, and certainly not your place to interfere. How do you know your dad doesn't know? Maybe he's happy to continue the way it is. If you interfere now, you may upset everything. Your dad might be perfectly happy as long as your mother is still at home when he is, and your mum might be perfectly happy too. You want them to be happy don't you?

So that's my advice - Don't interfere. If it's really annoying you, confront her. Jokingly mention 'Did I hear you going out in the middle of the night the other day?'. You never know, she could be planning a special surprise for your Dad, for an anniversary or something, or she may be going to an all-night gym in secret, to surprise him. Just don't jump the gun, you could make life really really bad for yourself.

thegills

You mentioned that you think there may not be mass at 8.00pm. Why don't you just find out. The next time your Mother says she is going to mass ask if you can come along. Problem sorted if there's no mass.
There's a plethora of things that she could be doing, a training course thats she's embarrased to tell you about, etc.
The niddle of the night trip could be totally unrelated - distressed friend looking for comfort etc..

Clintons Cat

do nothing.
Do you think your father will thank you for ending his marraige?
It could be he is ignoring the situation or turning a blind eye but if you confront one or the other you will force things to a head which in all likelyhood will lead to the termination of their marraige.
Do nothing,let this affair (if that is what it is)run its course for all you know it might be the briefest of flings,but if you cannot live with the situation consider finding a place of your own,where you wont have to wonder where your mother is going every time she pops out to the shops.

SYL

Excuse the bluntness of my reply, but I think you should follow the bitch. Guilty until judged innocent is the way the world works these days. Get your friends to watch out for her too (no need to tell them exactly why though). If you are worried for your dad, then do something. Its better to be wrong but cautious, than right but too late to do anything. And if she is messing around, whupp that guys ass real good. What is yer mum gonna do?

Clintons Cat

And if she is messing around, whupp that guys ass real good. What is yer mum gonna do?

you mean apart from maybe calling the guards?

SYL

Yeah, and then she'll say "officer, my son just beat the shyte out of my bit on the side". She will in her hole

eth0_

Hmm, a real test of motherly love that, "Should I let the guy i'm getting my hole from get beaten up" ...or..."Should I let my son get a conviction for GBH.

Might give her a prod as to where her priorities should lie.

Besides, how do you know she's having an affair with a _man_?

The Corinthian

Originally posted by SYL
Yeah, and then she'll say "officer, my son just beat the shyte out of my bit on the side". She will in her hole

That has to be the most cretinous thing I've heard in weeks.

Originally posted by eth0_
Hmm, a real test of motherly love that, "Should I let the guy i'm getting my hole from get beaten up" ...or..."Should I let my son get a conviction for GBH.

And what's to stop him from pressing charges? Actions have consequences, boys and girls.

Clintons Cat

Hmm, a real test of motherly love that, "Should I let the guy i'm getting my hole from get beaten up" ...or..."Should I let my son get a conviction for GBH.
Might give her a prod as to where her priorities should lie.
Besides, how do you know she's having an affair with a _man_?

Hypothetically Speaking...:rolleyes:
Of course when she sees what her son has done she will be overcome with maternal pride and remember why it was that she fell in love with his pa in the first place and they will all live happily ever after except for the third party who will never be heard of again...:rolleyes:
point 2 i never said she was having an affair period.Further more i advised against a grown man snooping on his own mother in a manner that would comprimise both of them.What if his mother is not having an affair how would she feel if she found out her own son was spying on her?

cop on

Victor

It could be that your mother is going to something like Alcoholics Anonymous or the likes (I know someone who is a solpadine addict :rolleyes:) and isn't ready to address it with you.

Or it's possible that your parents are having genuine marital problems, change happens, it's common enough (especially as both are middle aged and you are now grown up).

Before you confront them, think of this. It could be that your parents are swingers. Or that put video tapes of themselves doing "it" on the internet (from TV show last week) or your mother is now coming out as a lesbian. Ask your self, how much do you really want to know.

SYL

Deffo, if you think you've copped onto something, then you should follow up on it. If anything bad came about, then you would probably spend the rest of your life blaming yourself.

As for the Corinthians remark about "...Actions have consequences, boys and girls", yes they do.

[edit: sh!te removed]

You actions have consequences too. If you disagree with what he said then argue it out, do *not* resort to name calling, i don't like it.

<< Fio >>

SYL

You will not call people names and belittle them on this forum, call me what you like, i don't like it.

Play nice kids.

<< Fio >>

smiles

Okay, here's the deal, no name calling or off-topic-ness here please.

Personally I think SYL's advice is too hotheaded, but it's still his opinion and it's staying here.

when SYL and Corinthian argue, they can do it elsewhere.

You are both expressing opinions, and thank you for them, but if you dont argee do it somewhat less emotionally/bitchily.

thank you!

<< Fio >>

edit: The junk/name-calling has been removed to the recycle bin, continue your arguement there if you must.

LegacyUser

I would confront her about it (yes this is tac posting check the ip depending on how much it's affecting your life or I would follow someone elses advice and move out or move in with a mate/gf so you may put this behind you and get on with your own life.
As someone said "How much do you want to know?"

Are you close enough with your mother to discuss with her problems she may be having in whatever area of her life it may be and no matter how strange/foreign it may seem to you?

It could be anything and in this scenario you have described, priority number one is not to presume anything here. Presumption is the mother of all f*** ups;
especially when it could be something extremely personal that may affect your relationship with her for the rest of your life and it could be in a good or bad way so you need to be very, very careful about what you're getting yourself into here.

I think the best response so far is the suggestion to go to church with her out of the blue some night. Does she seem to get dressed up or have more makeup on than usual, is she wearing a nice dress? She will get v.awkward and uneasy if you want to come and she is going to meet someone else for a bit of rumpy bumpy.
Although she will also get v.uneasy if she is going to see a marriage counsellor or do a nightcourse in knitting and simply feels embarassed about it.
She should come out with it and everything will be fine and your mind will rest at ease if it is something silly like a nightcourse, make sure to be supportive and tell her you think it's good for her etc. You should be able to tell if she makes up the fact she's going somewhere she's not (or else she's a damn good liar in a tight spot) and you should have an answer.

Bear in mind, are you sure you want to know?
Can't you just do your own thing and let her do hers, personally I hate it when people interfere where they shouldn't and if it is an affair I think you shouldn't and know I wouldn't. Good luck to you

Clintons Cat

At the moment you are only suspicious of your mothers motivation for going out every night,now i am not privy to the entire facts but if and only if ,she is meeting up every night with a fella then chances are she is pretty much smitten with this guy if you confront her at this point and start issuing ultimatums (give him up or ill tell dad etc) then you are effectively forcing her to choose between the two of them ,people with kids do get divorced so do not presume that blood is thicker than water and she will "do the right thing".
Chances are she would try to persuade you to keep quiet about the affair and even if she promises to stop seeing this guy which puts you in a potentially awkward situation with your father at some future point.Consider that he finds out later about the affair from a third party,then he will likely approach you to find out what you know.At the moment all you can say is you thought it odd she was spending so much time at church but if you are privy to the hypothetical facts you will be implicated in covering up the affair.At the minuete you can remain neutral through your ignorance of the exact situation,but once you know exactly what is going on you are going to have to take sides its a lose/lose situation.

regi

Play nice SYL.
Thread locked.

smiles

I'm sorry confused, there's way too much muppetry going on for this to stay open, i hope the advice helped and i hope you sort things out.

SYL is banned. If he has a problem then he can PM me, he's been abusive and this is not the place for it, especially since I already warned him.

I'm sorry I wasnt online yesterday and i missed this stuff, and thanks to regi for locking it.

<< Fio >>