new rules for employees

Rabies

OFFICE RULES

SICKDAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done

enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
8:20,
employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If
you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in
writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will
sound,

the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes
for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &
take a
diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if
we
see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you

are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you
for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's,
or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Management

Thanx 4 The Fish

It seems somebody has leaked our employee handbook.

BKtje

rofl@ restroom bit