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Possible Girlfriend?

LegacyUser

I work with this girl who I think the world of. In the two years or so I've known her we've grown pretty close. The usual texting each other all the time, phone calls etc.

As if you hadn't guessed by now, I fancy the arse off her and would love to go out with her.

Now here's the problem... I've told her how I feel and that I want to go out with her, and I didn't get completely blown out but she didn't say yes either.

Basically she had been in relationship after relationship for the past few years, and every time she has been arsed about by her bloke... so she's telling me now she just wants to be single for a while to gather her thoughts.

Now that could mean a lot of things; and all subsequent questions about it I've asked, her answers have also been suitably vague.

A mutual friend we both talk to has told me she does want to go out with me some days but other days she's not really interested... and besides she just wants to stay free and single for a while.

Now the problem I have is that she hasn't said no... so the possibility however remote it might be is still there. And if the possibility is still there I want to work on it and try and make it happen.... I really do like her. A lot.

Now if that makes any sense to anyone, I'd appreciate whatever advice or feedback you may have.... especially from any females out there who may be able to shed a little bit of light on what she may be thinking or whether she's just trying to spare my feelings.

Any comments positive or negative appreciated.

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Gordon

I dont think that you should push her in any way. You should try and go with the "If it feels right, go for it" stance maybe. Don't say "Will you go out with me" or "Be my girlfriend" kinda thing, just do your stuff and see if she wants to join in. If you are going out, ask her along - with your friends too, she will feel less intimidated by datage.

She is reticent about being in a relationship but likes you too. She must want your company but feel pressured by the thoughts of you wanting a relationship maybe.

Just be and see matey, you have time dont you?

seamus

Originally posted by Unregistered
so she's telling me now she just wants to be single for a while to gather her thoughts.

Well, then stick with this. Hold the friendship that you have, go out drinking with her etc etc, but don't force the issue, and be careful about getting locked to the point where you're all over her all night. If a girl doesn't want a relationship, don't force it, especially if she's just after breaking up or something. If she likes you, she'll make the first move....best thing is to go out a lot to pubs and clubs with mates. The more you chat with her, the more she'll make up her mind as to whether she likes you that way.

Of course, if she's saying she wants to be single, but still giving out her number, or going out with guys then there's something else. Either she doesn't fancy you; she does and wants you to make the first move; or she's afraid that if she goes out with you it'll turn out wrecked like all the others. If she keeps going out with guys that f*ck her around, and then crys and moans etc etc, but keeps going out with that type, I'd steer well clear. Women who constantly manage to find guys that are horrible to them, have their own problems - ie, she's not completely innocent in wrecking the relationships.

LegacyUser

I haven't pressured her in any way, in fact quite the opposite.

I told her how I felt and that I'd like to go out with her, and more or less left it at that. I'm happy enough to leave it in her hands as I don't want to force her into anything she doesn't really want.

Basically it's been occupying my mind way more than it should lately and I just felt the need to try and figure things out with the help of others who may have some experience.

Maybe I'm just looking for someone to tell me to snap out of it and forget about it.... but I don't think it's that easy.

I'm just interested to know what everyones opinion in it is... whether anyone has been in a similar situation and how it turned out etc.

RopeDrink

Now THAT is something painful.
I've been increasingly weary about women lately, and I can openly say I've only been out with three. I like to figure them out before acting on feelings, yet when I can honestly say I really absolutely wanted to go out with a particular girl I was givn a half-assed yes/no, and it bloody hurts - You end up walking around with your head up your rectum wondering what to do, and because women are a very complex detail it's better to list what you SHOULDN'T do as opposed to what you should.
I can't think up of many right now... very tired.

-Don't continuously pester her, or frequently bring up the subject - She'll more than likely get frusrated at you.

-Treat her as normal, talk to her as if she was someone else, yet drop the very slight hint or suggestion like "Oh dere be dis film on in der cinema..." or "I fink I'll go get me one uv dem drinks in [Pub name / Club name]" - In other words, be curteous and remind her that you like her company.

-She Obviously wants time away from relaionships, so give her that time - Tell her you're there for her if she needs a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, someone to fix the tap on sunday if the bathroom explodes etc etc...
Very tired now - I wont say no more.

LegacyUser

As far as giving her number out to guys and all that she's the type that flirts a lot, and the type that has a better laugh with blokes than girls. So even when she is with someone she still goes out with her male friends and still tries to make new ones.

As far as her having a part in the breakup I'm sure that maybe true to an extent... but she has never as far as I'm aware gone out with someone she's been good friends with beforehand. She tends to find someone in a bar or a friend of a friend and they're going out before they've talked for more than two hours... and I've known a few of them and they were all toerags in my humble opinion.

Another thing she has said is that she really doesn't want to hurt our friendship and I think judging by her past relationships all breaking up under bad terms that might be a very real fear for her..... it's a fear for me aswell.

LegacyUser

And I have to agree with you Rope.... a yes or no answer would have been much preferable. A maybe in this kind of situation is a pain in the arse because it leaves you wondering and thinking and dwelling on the subject.... which just irritates you even more.

I would have been hurt to an extent if she had said no but in that case I would have put it behind me and continued with the friendship.

It's the vagueness that's killing me....

There is always the possibility she just said that to spare my feelings but if that's the case I'll get pretty upset as a result... and I made sure to try and get that point accross to her.

Occidental

I would treat it as if she said no and get on with my life. If you sit around waiting for an answer you'll drive yourself mental. This way she's still your friend and she may come around to the idea, but at least your not sitting there praying for a sign everytime you're in each others company.

Think how you would feel if you hang around waiting for an answer for the next year and then you find out she wasn't interested but didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh, but been there and done it, and it does rip your insides out if you don't get on top of it

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

WhiteWashMan

just chill out and go with the flow.
if she wants to go out with you then she has to get it in her mind first.
she obviously doesnt want anyone right now.
go out with someone else. dont hang about like a mopy pup.

LegacyUser

Just don't fall in love, you'll only get hurt

po0k

don't say that.....
If you don't try you'll never have a hope of finding that someone.
This being the eternal optimist in me speaking.

I think it's been said before, but just tell her that if she ever feels like it, ask you out and it'll be reciprocated

or words to that effect....

BEAT

everyone is right here...just keep things the way they were before you asked her out, then one day mention your going out somewhere and say she is welcome to come along, make a joke about it, like, I promise I wont get down on my knee or something, she may respond to a bit of humour in the situation to make the situation less akward ya know? but other than that I wouldnt talk about unless she brings it up and then I would reassure her you didnt want a commitment, a simple drink would have been fine

you have to take it slow with this one...but dont give up! she just needs time, and if you never ask her out again, someone else will and it may be when she is ready ...you understand? just keep tabs with her, be friendly and funny, make her want to go out with ya to have a bit of fun...if she thinks she will have fun with you and not be put into an akward position (romantic stuff) then she will more than likely want to hang out with ya. Then you can take it from there...show her how great it would be if she were with you all the time...get it?
It's all in getting to know the real you, I am who I am all the time, if people dont like it then I applaud them to keep thier distance, if she doesnt want to be with ya then your better off to find someone who does, or if she does just want to be friends, let it be, everything happens for a reason!
And that is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

everything happens for a reason!

Mercury_Tilt

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Kalina

I can see where she's coming from when she says that she wants to be free and single for a while because if you're in a relationship for a long long time then the oppertunity to be single for a while is so tempting. So I think give her a little time to enjoy that. If she likes you- I mean if she thinks you're a fox then she'll soon show interest.... as long as she thinks you're not looking for anything too heavy or long-term. Then hopefully you can get it together and have a great time. Hope it goes well for you!!

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Kalina
I can see where she's coming from when she says that she wants to be free and single for a while because if you're in a relationship for a long long time then the oppertunity to be single for a while is so tempting. So I think give her a little time to enjoy that. If she likes you- I mean if she thinks you're a fox then she'll soon show interest.... as long as she thinks you're not looking for anything too heavy or long-term. Then hopefully you can get it together and have a great time. Hope it goes well for you!!

sorry, i dont agree.
if she was interested, shed be interested.

it doesnt matter if she was in a relationship.
i mean, if she wont even have a rebound fling with you, youre really in trouble arent you....

ToxicPaddy

Didnt get a chance to read all the replies so sorry if I seem to be repeating some of the previous answers..

A mate of mine in college had a similar problem/situation whatever you wanna call it with a girl he shared a house with in college... they were doing the same course but in different classes and they got to know each other fairly well due to sharing notes, living in the same course etc etc..

for about 2 years she had been in various relationships with different guys and he was the same with different girls and nothing had ever happened between, but it was obvious as hell that there was something more than just being friends..

After a while they both kinda admitted they liked each other, but were afraid to do anything about it, so carried on doing what they were doing.

It took a combination of things to eventually get them together, but the moral of story being that while they knew how they felt about it each other, rushing into something wouldnt have helped, so they just stayed as they were and it all fell into place, being a good friend to here will keep her in your life, but putting pressure on her for something she is clearly not ready for will only drive here away and more than likely into a relationship with someone else...

So good luck..

Tox

koneko

Seeing as you wanted a female opinion..... Here's mine.

Might sound a bit harsh, but if she was really interested, as WWM said, she would be interested. Not liking you sometimes and not at other times. Imagine what it would be like going out with eachother. She wants to see you tomorrow, but then not for a week. Look for someone that really does want to be with you.

If she starts going out with someone else, then you know the whole "I want to be single thing" was just her way of turning you down.

Remember, although it's hard to hear someone say they don't want to go out with you, it's not that easy saying it either, especially to a friend, someone you've known a long time.

Sposs

What you should do is go get yourself a stunning looking girlfriend (even if you have to pay her) bring her all around and flaunt her in front of your one,and make her jealous as hell.

she'll soon come to her senses and hey presto!

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Morpheus

Im afraid Sposs is right.

Speaking from experience, I was mates with a girl but wanted more, she'd just broken up, I got the maybe from her and it DID piss me off quite a bit.

You go out with her sometimes in the company of others?
well heres my advice, best way to make her want you is for her to see you wanted by or seem to be interested in, other girls.

You should chat to her as normal, then go off for a while where she can see you, chat to a few ladeez, maybe snog one (might be OTT tho) but generally look like your having as good a time in their company as in hers, head back over to her every so often and chat to her again, dont mention the girls, see if she asks about em.

you said she flirts and I assume snogs/dates lads when your around or at least chats em up infront of you, how does that make you feel? correct you feel slightly jealous, now you say she may fancy you??? well this IS your only way to find out.

Now my advice has caused me to miss a DART home from work, i could be out flirting again myself cos my little lady is going to be piss mad that im late calling up to her tonight, I may end up dumped this week and chatting your mate up this weekend!!!

Could be just like "Sliding Doors!" then again, maybe not :rolleyes:

Joking! trust me though, ive had the same experiences and won the heart of my desire... boy did i f*ck that one up tho!

ask me sometime, il tell you all what happened!

DAMN ITS A DART....RUN RUN RUN......

LegacyUser

Do people not talk to each other anymore?
Sheesh.

Yes yes, Im well aware of the difficulty, shyness, awkwardness of situation etc.
Get the balls to do the job, (takes a few deep breaths) and then she will dump you like a tonne of bricks and you will be a better person for it.

If you dont have the balls this time, then you wont next time, and so on, and eventually you will have lost your youth and you will be a lonely grizzled old man like me.

Of course this sh1t usually happens when you are 16 so I hope you arent much older

Just remember REM - Everybody Hurts. (Hell you might get lucky, then ull be glad of the balls).

LegacyUser

In case you weren't paying attention; I've already told her how I feel and asked her out.

My problem is not one of balls but merely of understanding. As in, trying to understand the situation a little better. And how to work the situation to my advantage.....

If you were replying to someone else my apologies I'm tired and probably not reading things correctly.

Xterminator

Originally posted by Sposs
What you should do is go get yourself a stunning looking girlfriend (even if you have to pay her) bring her all around and flaunt her in front of your one,and make her jealous as hell.

she'll soon come to her senses and hey presto!

Whatevwer you do, DONT follow this advice.

Be yourself. Be fun to be with.

Show her you are willing to wait till she's ready, and still interested. If she starts another relationship in the meantime, yer in dumpsville.

That is, do all this if she is worth waiting for.
If shes just got a cute [ insert favourite part of female anatomy] BUM.. [ insert favourite part of female anatomy] well theres bound to be someone out there with a nicer 1.

X

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Unregistered
In case you weren't paying attention; I've already told her how I feel and asked her out.

havent you just answered your own question?

i have asked her out.

are you going uot with her?

no.

she turned you down.

sounds like youre píssing against the wind mate.

Sposs

Yea i agree with white.

Tell her to sling her hook then get off with her best mate,that'll show her.

The Corinthian

You can't make someone love you...

...although you can stalk them in the hope that they panic and give in :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

The whole point of this post was that I had asked her out and she had said she didn't want a relationship for the time being, for reasons I have mentioned in previous posts.

The purpose of this thread was to hear other peoples opinions on whether she is probably just trying to spare my feelings or whether she may really just want to be single for a while.

It was also just an attempt to talk about the situation with people who don't know me or her to try and get some unbiased views.

I think however that you may be right WhiteWashMan... I just got turned down and she was trying to spare my feelings.

Such is life.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Unregistered

I think however that you may be right WhiteWashMan... I just got turned down and she was trying to spare my feelings.
.

good.

now you can get on with your life.
always respect her. always be friends for her, but you gotta get her out of your system. do the rebound thing. whatever makes you happy, is generally good for you, unless its crack-cocaine.
find a nice wee dolly to dress and undress..

Dr. Loon

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan

unless its crack-cocaine.
find a nice wee dolly to dress and undress..

What's wrong with Crack cocaine?
You prefer the action man don't ye. Ye like little boys with their shorts on don't ye?