Notices to English speaking tourists

simon_partridge

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED

Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO
SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS

In a Bankok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL
OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT
YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE

In a Leipzig elevator:
DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP

Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER
MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR DRIVING IS
THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

Hotel, Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND
11 AM DAILY

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF
ASCENSION

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE
FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE
COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

Outside a dress shop, Paris:
DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING

Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS

Tailor shop, Rhodes:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN
STRICT ROTATION

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
NLESS
THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
HE
BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS

>From a Russian book on Chess:
A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS
BEEN PLAYED

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES


Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
STOP DRIVE SIDEWAYS

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE

In a Tokyo shop:
OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THEY ARE THE BEST IN THE
LONG RUN

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN TRUMPET HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM
WITH VIGOR

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
ENGLISH WELL TALKING HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN

Pugsley

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

ROFL,brilliant, some real god un's in there

OLDYELLAR

Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO
SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS

love that , i mean you cant go without stealing the towels ,haha

Aspro

Nice one partridge. Thou hast redeemed thyself.;)

Jimi-Spandex

Kwalitee

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR


Lolers methinks ill go for some melodious tootling later

sceptre

Originally posted by Jimi-Spandex
methinks ill go for some melodious tootling later

Fnarr fnarr:D

cujimmy

Aw right SP man, pure quality

Wook

Originally posted by simon_partridge

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN TRUMPET HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM
WITH VIGOR

??? what the heck? funny though!

irishman_abroad

classic, pure classic:p

Giblet

This is the only one that really made me laugh:

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM

plastic membrane

Funny...

phreak

not really funny unless you actually saw them

accensi0n

Hotel, Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND
11 AM DAILY


now there's a good one

simon_partridge

Originally posted by Phreak
not really funny unless you actually saw them

Oh, I don't know - I'm reasonably confident that they do exist because I've seen notices in the same style myself, though mostly not with the associated inuendo. For example, I saw a notice in China last year saying "To take notice of safe, the slippery can be very crafty" and a sign on a fence saying "Do not span". Not as funny as the above, but definitely genuine.

accensi0n

I thought it was funny becuase I was staying in a hotel in turkey last year and everyone had something to complain about and the manager was never there
sly prick.

stormkeeper

some of them are really good ones alright

Corega

pffffttttt we had those up all the time in the hotel I worked in
Funneh

LoBo

here's a couple a friend of mine sent me from china:

"Keep the flowers in the trees to show you are a gentleman."
- park sign

"This is the most comfortable notebook you have ever run into. You will feel like writing with it all the time."
-on cover of notebook i 'ran' into!!

and for pure strangeness, on a jumper showing two girls hugging each other:

"Keep your own view. Now that we've found love, we don't need to take our clothes off."

Oeneus

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

Oh I am so going to that hotel!