jokes 28/08/02

BEAT

The First Affair


There was a middle-aged couple that had four stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.


After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the
ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was
no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at our four
beautiful daughters." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said,


"Not this time"





The Second Affair


A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!


"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove
the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and
took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.


"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"





The Third Affair


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner" She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder "Don't
move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."


"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,
it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said
about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around
two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for
three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."





The Fourth Affair


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer. Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a
fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies.


"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing
with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his
business."





The Fifth Affair


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by
his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she
said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."


"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly
. "That's why I poisoned you."





The Sixth Affair


An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the
man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after
all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names". The old
man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said,


" I forgot her name about 10 years ago."