Some jokes.

Mr E

Apologies in advance.



Golf Lessons

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."


Urgent Pee

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties...” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties....”
The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, “We will never forget you.”


Pregnant?

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say “Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”
“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came.”


Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”


Mortician

There was a mortician and his assistant. One day the assistant comes in looking worried and says to the mortician, "you know that pretty girl that came in today? Well she has a prawn up her pussy!"
The morticaian replies "A PRAWN!? Lets go have a look." after inspecting the girl the mortician chuckles and says that the deceased just has a large clit.
To this the assistant says "well...it tasted like a prawn."


Three men and anniversaries...

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*ck herself.


Husband shopping center

A “Husband Shopping Center” was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say: “Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they go.
Second floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking”. “Hmmm”, say the girls, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”.
Third floor: “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow!” say the women. “Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!” And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!”
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: “This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!”

Acidflash

liked the last two

xern

very good liked them all!!
Their all so true!!