NTL Complaint (Brilliant)

Gaz

Who says that the Scots cannot complain.....this is one of the finest
examples I have ever seen.........

A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL from their complaints dept....

Dear Cretins
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?
I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my
testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt
both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b*stards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - w%nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Benbaz

Excellent!!!!!

po0k

Originally posted by AngryScottishPerson
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

corkey

Wonder if the dublin office got any, thats why they dont answer the phones (class)

The_Conductor

Dear Customer support person,

while the query may have been dealth with (eventually), the entire episode was totally unsatisfactory and I am thoroughly unhappy. It was last Friday morning (13-08-02) before the digital decoder box was eventually collected (a total of 5 weeks after you first advised you would collect it, and precisely 2 hours before the security gaurd at the front desk had advised he was delivering it to the Gardai in Harcourt Street on his lunch break).
I was invoiced for the installation etc.- contrary to the advice I issued below, and the numerous phone calls I made to your colleagues. I ended up cancelling my direct debit in your favour and issuing a fresh order (all of which was both time consuming and involved bank transaction charges on my part).
All in all by my reckoning I made a total of 22 phone calls to your customer service and support colleagues, the final 8 of which were made to direct lines that people kindly gave me- the previous 14 were on the main number- on which I was kept on hold on average 15 minutes (or up to 32 minutes as happened one lunch time).
I invested upwards of two whole days on this endeavour, and have gotten nothing but grief for my efforts.
I have not gotten so much as an apology from any of your colleagues, although one did furnish me with contact details for Etaine Doyle the Telecoms Regulator in case I wished to pursue the matter further with an official complaint. A single letter (registered) to your legal department over two weeks ago has not even elicited an acknowledgement.
I was promised call backs from a technical engineer (twice) and by supervisors (five times) none of which materialised (I have kept details of the dates and the first names of the people who made these promises- they refused to give their surnames).

All in all I am thoroughly disgruntled, unhappy and annoyed.
I don't know whether you are actually going to read and acknowledge this message- from past experience I do not hold any great hope that you will.
I am most dissapointed in the appalling lack of regard you appear to hold customers in.

Please respond,

Shane McCarrick



>-- Original Message --
>Date: Mon, 12 Aug 2002 14:53:21 +0100
>From: customer.support@ntl.ie
>Subject: RE:NTL.ie Inquiry - Subject Query: Fault Reporting [#7572]
>To: Shane@Lucan.com
>
>
>
>Dear Sir/Madam
>
>Thank you for your email. I apologise for the delay in replying. Having
>checked your account I can confirm that, since writing this email, you contacted
>us by telephone and your query was dealt with. If we can be of any further
>assistance please do not hesitate to contact us.
>
>Kind Regards
>NTL Customer Support
>
>The contents of this email and any attachments are sent for the personal
>attention of the addressee(s) only and may be confidential. If you are not
>the intended addressee, any use, disclosure or copying of this email and
>any attachments is unauthorised - please notify the sender by return and
>delete the message. Any representations or commitments expressed in this
>email are subject to contract.
>
>ntl Group Limited
>
>
>
>--Original Message--
>
> formID: 1001
> subject_query: Fault Reporting
> comments: As advised on Friday 28-06-02, the installation of
>digital package has been a total failure.
>I am not in posession of an additional 2 points (advertised as "multi room
>viewing special offer- even on this webpage.... free as part of the
>digital upgrade) and there appears to be a difficulty with decoding (Error
>1008- You are not authorised to decode this channel on all channels apart
>from 103, TV3 the test channel which is not encoded).
>>From previous problems I had with your staff some time ago, I am notifying
>you immediately and as a matter of due course, that any attempts to charge
>me for the errors of your staff and subcontractors, will be met with a
>letter from my solicitor.
>As you are aware from my interactions with your on-site engineer in the
>morning, and multiple calls to tech support on 1800-321-321 (during which
>I hang on hold for an average of 18 minutes 10 seconds) I was tied up with
>your personnel from 9AM to 4.15PM.
>Obviously I cannot afford to invest more time and effort in this
>endeavour.
>At this stage I am between two minds whether to advise you to collect the
>decoding box at your discretion (evenings after 7PM or Saturday morning
>between 10 and 11 AM), or to allow you another attempt to rectify this
>total and utter foul up on your part.
>I have been offered a totally acceptable installation from a local
>engineer to install Sky digital, in the evening time, when it suits me,
>when it does not involve my cancelling meetings and rescheduling flights,
>to meet the needs of your useless engineer.
>I am desperately attempting to be as civil as humanely possible in this
>note to you, as you can probably gather from what has happened I feel
>anything but civil.
>I have not touched your decoder box, the packaging it arrived in, or the
>assorted odds and ends (including a several pieces of spliced 80 ohm co-ax
>cable that the engineer helpfully has scattered around the floor), and
>will not do anything with your system unless advised otherwise by you.
>I obviously expect a response to this message, and it had certainly better
>not be the template apology letter, of which both myself and my fiance
>have 2 examples in our possession from past encounters (with your billing
>department- not tech support / installations).
>
>Regards etc.
>
>Shane McCarrick
>
>PS- A copy of this message has been saved along with the appropriate time
>stamps, just in case your staff "accidently" loose it.
>
>PPS- As advised on Friday, I am not contactable by phone for the next
>week.
>
>
>

The Gopher

That was posted on the boards ages ago-Im glad you reposted it as I was trying for ages with no luck in finding it.
True its a classic-Ive a good mind to paste it and reword it to be sent to Errorcom:)

Acidflash

rofl
Excellent

swiss

I don't usually respond to threads in humor, but this one merits it.

ROFL, Good 'un.

although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Sheer class.

Pugsley

Truely brilliant intelligent humour, give that scot a pat on the back!

Dazzer

V good

Elmo

You all do not know how Incompent NTL are until you actually worked for them. Two months of my life drained away.

NTL Ireland get plenty of these letters. Worse. I have read worse.