The essential guide to bloke behaviour

The_Conductor

The essential guide to bloke behaviour

BEME delved deep into the mind of the nearest bloke (his name's Mark Sylvester) to bring you the inside word on what he says vs What He Means...
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The other day I stood in the kitchen staring at an artichoke, sharp knife in hand, wearing football socks, boxer shorts, West Ham shirt, and an uncomprehending look on my face. As I wrestled with the feisty fruit, trying to work out which end was up, I heard the words 'You're such a bloke.' I turned to see my girlfriend in the doorway, arms folded, with a 'there, there' look on her face. I felt loved. It was all in the delivery. The previous week as I explained how the match against Man United would take all day - pre-match warm-up (drinks), and post-match analysis (drinks) - she'd said 'You're such a bloke' as well. Only that time her brow was furrowed, and there was a layer of 'you bastard' on top of a layer of 'I thought you were different.' Being a bloke it's taken me a while to work out that, for girls, a bloke is both a good and a bad thing. For blokes it's always good. 'A new bloke's just stared at work,' 'Met this bloke down the pub.' 'Carol's new boyfriend seems like a nice bloke.' A bad bloke's a contradiction in terms - that guy's a w*nker. I think part of girls' exasperation with blokeness is a combination of lack of understanding and their own realisation of it's contradictory nature. I'm sorry, but you can't have the cute unable-to- make-a-decent-salad -dressing bloke, without the remote-control-hogging, sliding-down-the-sofa-to-see-up-Buffy's-skirt bloke. It's all part of the same deal. So, in a bid to keep the white flag flying over the battle of the sexes, BEME is offering you this essential guide to bloke behaviour. The important thing to always remember is just because he can't iron his own shirt doesn't mean he thinks you're a bad driver. Next: Love and sex: What he says vs What He Means
Love and Sex
Sulks, arguments, shouting and tears, yes, love really is what makes the world go round. Ever since Eve had a hankering for tarte au pomme while Adam was off preparing rabbits that had died in domestic accidents for lunch, it's love and sex that cause the most hiccups. So, whether you've just met by the cigarette machine or his socks have been under the sofa since Christmas, here's what he REALLY means.
· 'You have lovely eyes' = You have a lovely body
· 'You have a lovely body' = Shut up about your dance classes
· 'I love you' after a few weeks = SEX, PLEASE
· 'I love you' after a few months = Of course I do, we're in bed again aren't we?
· 'I love you' after a year = 'I love you.'
· 'Can we have a cuddle?' = SEX, PLEASE
· 'You're too good for me' = I'm sleeping with your best friend
· 'You're so sexy when you're angry' = Please stop shouting at me
Always remember:
The majority of blokes are insecure about their size and their staying power, so be kind. Mentioning exes is certain to cool his ardour, as is your parents walking in, or a dog howling three streets away. He will try to get a quick one in before Match of the Day, and the condom he carries in his wallet was handed down through four generations.
Next: Living together. It's a minefield.
Living together
Learning each other's little habits can be endearing for about 2 and a half hours, then it's time to compromise.
· 'I don't know what you're talking about' = How the hell did she find out
· 'I don't want to talk about it' = She's bloody right again
· 'Your friend Carol fancies me' = I really don't want to go to your friend Carol's party
· 'You always look sexy to me' = You can paint yourself in wood stain for all I care, we're late
· 'Where are my socks' = Look for my socks, you know I can't find my own belly button
· 'You haven't seen your friends for ages' = It's hot and steamy night on Channel 5
· 'I'll chop' = You know I love your home made lasagne that takes two and a half weeks to make
· 'I'm having a quick drink after work' = I'll wake up in Calais, naked, with a full beard, as police chalk around my body
· 'What flowers would you like?' = What colour carnations would you like
· 'I'm sorry' = The game's about to start, and I can't be bothered to argue any more
Always remember:
When you first move in together he'll make a mess of what ever task you set him. Make him do it again. Trying to get the TV guide from him is about as advisable as trying to separate a pair of pitbulls, there are more important things to worry about.
Next: In the car…
In the car
Despite every statistic to the contrary, most blokes still believe letting a woman behind the wheel of a car is like cleaning a Swiss watch with treacle. This can cause disputes.
· 'You drive' = Boy, am I going to get slaughtered tonight
· 'I said left' = And it was only seconds after we'd already missed the turn
· 'The big end's gone' = Love me, I sound like a mechanic
· 'You read the map' = I have the sense of direction of a spinning top, and it'll be your fault when we go wrong
· 'Do you need the loo at the next services?' = I need the loo at the next services
· 'Can you pull into the outside lane?' = Right next to the blonde in the convertible
· 'I think it may be the next on the left?' = I'm not sure we're still in Europe
· 'The car's knackered' = I've just seen an XJS on sale down the road
Always remember:
Give him a break when he's parking, he can't actually judge the length of Anything
Next: Another potential battlefield: shopping
Shopping
Another potential battlefield. He'd rather eat radioactive waste than low fat digestives.
· 'I'll get the salad' = I'll get an iceberg lettuce
· 'Do we need crisps?' = Are your ankles getting a bit thick?
· 'I don't trust that organic stuff' = I spent our food money on a new football
· 'I'll get the baked beans' = We're down to our last 27 cans
· 'I'll meet you in the drinks aisle' = Oh God, we're next to the sanitary towels
· 'Would you like some wine?' = I'd like some beer
· 'Let's use the check out nearest the exit' = With the cashier that looks like Billie
Always remember:
He will zoom down the aisles on the trolley, it's part of his genetic Programming
Next: Down t'pub
In the pub
When he's drunk he'll tell you he loves you - along with every other person in a three mile radius
· 'Do you want a game of pool?' = That trick shot I've been practising since I was seven will impress you
· 'Like another drink?' in the first few weeks = The only way I'm getting you to bed is drunk
· 'Like another drink?' after a few months = If you'd stop talking for a moment you'd keep up
· 'Have you seen the trick with the beer mat?' = I have nothing worthwhile left to say
· 'Yrrrthermsshhtwinderfoolgrileverrr' towards the end of the evening = You're the most wonderful girl ever
Always remember:
There are times he won't want you in the pub with him. This is usually because he wants to talk football and girls with his mates, but can also be because he's worried you'll fancy Dave from IT.
Multiply the minutes he says it will be before he gets home by his mental age to get a true time.
He will arrive home wearing salad and chilli sauce on his shoes.
As he falls clothed onto the bed beside you, and tells you you're 'lurrrvly', just before starting to snore, he probably means it.

Dredz

So true

Dun

Originally posted by smccarrick
'Yrrrthermsshhtwinderfoolgrileverrr' towards the end of the evening = You're the most wonderful girl ever [/B]

Hehe - classic

TomTom

'You're so sexy when you're angry' = Please stop shouting at me

Someone has been reading my mind.