Friendships

CCCP^

In the past few years, I have found it very difficult to make friends. I have moved secondary school a nunber of times. (3)

Initially, I found making jokes broke the ice. So I would make jokes, act the clown. Whatever got a laugh. I'd make fun of myself more than anything, but I never made fun of others or anything like that. Thats a form of intimidation and bullying in my opnion.

This worked the first time, and I had lots of friends. I could be at any time the Joker or just be good old me.

Then I moved again. I attempted the same formula and it worked. But now all I am know for is being a "Joker". Anything else than my quirky, laughing side is unacceptable by my contemparies.

I'm paranoid and suspicious of them. I feel abused and isolated. All I'm good for is a quick joke. I cant be me. They laugh at me, not with me.

My formula has hideously backed fired. There is no remedy, but to endure my finally years in secondary school as best as I can and in silence.

It's all my fault. But worse still, I feel this way outside of school. I dont think I'll ever be able to me anymore. I'm praying that once I finish school and move out of town(or the Country)this will change, but then maybe the same thing will happen.

Only via the interface of a PC can I make friends. But who am I kidding? Making friends with someone over the internet isnt the same is it?

How the fluck do you make friends in a way so as not to compromise yourself? =(

Sposs

How the fluck do you make friends in a way so as not to compromise yourself?

I Think you just answered your question,dont compromise yourself just be yourself and let ppl see you for who you really are,if they still dont like you fcuk them and dont worry about it you never know when your going to make a friend in the mean time dont worry about it just keep your head down and come out of school with a great leaving cert.

Shinji

Being the joker of the pack is an easy way to make "friends", but realistically, you have to ask yourself if these people are laughing with you, or at you.

There's always a happy medium between being yourself and being what others want you to be. You should always strive to be as true to yourself and to your own feelings and personality as possible, but be prepared sometimes to sacrifice that if you don't think it's going to be acceptable to people - meet them half way, and life becomes easier for yourself. As you get older, you'll probably find that you mix with different groups of people and your personality changes slightly depending on whose company you're in. This is normal.

Oh - and making friends over the 'net isn't exactly a bad thing by any means. I grew up in a very small town which I disliked intensely, and although I had a few good friends there, by the time I left I'd socialise with people I met online out of preference, rather than socialising with people I went to school with or whatever. Obviously some people would raise an eyebrow at this, but as far as I'm concerned, I made good friends online and continue to do so. It's just another way to meet people, same as the pub or a society or whatever. If it works for you, don't knock it.

swiss

<troll>
Yeah Shinji wanna cyber?
</troll>

Moving secondary schools can be exhausting, and rather than going to the trouble of making new friends, one is tempted to just put on a facade that makes it easier. Yet it is apparant that this makes you unhappy, because as Shinji points out you don't know whether people are laughing at you or with you.

I would suggest that you stop trying to be such a joker all the time. Perhaps making jokes is a part of your personality, I know I can be quite manic at times, so it's not necessarily doing a complete U-turn on your personality. If it isn't then you shouldn't try to be just for the sake of thinking people will like you better. Who knows, maybe people will like the real, more natural you better.

I've met a lot of people in "real life" (tm) who I originally just knew through the interw3b. It can be a great melting pot of different ideas and philosophies, and so you can be whoever you like.

Shinji

Yeah Shinji wanna cyber?

Pfah, I'm waaaaaaaaay too much man for you boy.

(Literally; this diet clearly isn't working.)

've met a lot of people in "real life" (tm) who I originally just knew through the interw3b.

You know, this got me thinking... With the exception of my family, when I go back to Ireland these days the only people I always try to get around to seeing are online mates. When I go on the beer in London, it's with my games clan. My housemates over the past two years, I've met online. My current job involves working for and with people I met online; I got my last job through a friend on a mailing list.

I don't really think there's any aspect of my life as it stands now or the people I know and live around which wasn't originally shaped online. I realise that my job and so on makes me a somewhat extreme case in this respect, but that's still a bit freaky for me to contemplate

CCCP^

Thanks, I guess I try too hard :rolleyes:

Beruthiel

Originally posted by CCCP^
Thanks, I guess I try too hard :rolleyes:

to be honest with you, if you are trying too hard people notice it and tend to back off.
the lads have given good advice above, just relax and be yourself, which I know is hard when you are a teenager, it's the worst time. Things will get better for you.
I have a 14 year old daughter who has problems trying to make friends and work out whither they were actual friends or not.
when she thought she had made a few, they were nice enough to her face and bitchie behind her back.
in the end she just said feck it and went back to the few she had since primary - she see's them for what they are and is smart enough to shrug it off, that doesn't mean she isn't upset by it at times but at least she can see it for what it is.
In the long run, you'll be fine

dougal

Something everyone has to realise as they grow up is that everyone else is as self-critical as themselves.
Everyone is finding out about themselves and trying to deal with all these pressure situations.
By getting into the "Group" you are seen to be alleviating a lot of these pressures.
The only way to make friends is to have similar interests to them.
Try joining a club and getting involved in something you enjoy. The confidence you get from being involved in something that you are good at will let you be yourself and before you know it you will be a lot less stressed about things, and probably have a few good friends too.

Kairo

Sounds to me like you've got a pretty good understanding of your own problem. At least you DO realize what you are doing, and that you think its wrong. That way, you'll work to avoid being the 'joker'. It may take some time to break old habits, but since you know that what you're doing is wrong, you will stop eventually.

Im actually in a pretty similar situation to yourself..I generally make a fool of myself and act to idiot when I meet with people, otherwise Im afraid I might seem boring to them. Tho I am lucky to have a few Friends that I can really connect with.

Friendship is about understanding the other person, and it sounds to me like the crowd your hanging around dont really understand you at all. Id call those people Associates, or Drinking Buddies etc...not friends.

Best way to makes friends is throught interest and hobbies, in my opinion..so it would make sense that you can make some pretty good friends online..seeing as most online communities are based on exactly that, interests!

thedrowner

yeah im that kind of person as well, loud and a joker. my friends from home know me so well they know im a lot deeper than that, When i started college, my new friends were quite wary of me, coz i was this jokey person who never took anything seriously, and i know they didnt trust me at first to talk about with problems, but once they got to know me better, they see that i do have a serious streak in me.

i find it easy to make friends with someone on a one to one basis. People get to know me much better that way, coz when im in a group of people, i'm not able to open up, but when im by myself i find it easier to talk about things, and so people can see what im really like then. and its amazing how close i am to some of my college friends now, when i consider how we all were when we started here.

It's nice to be able to make my friends laugh though, and its nice to have them do the same for me, so its not like being a funny person is a bad thing, just dont let it rule you so that people are wary of getting close to you. Be yourself, and let people see that you can make them laugh and be there for them.

logic1

Aww CCCP you know I'm your buddy. You can come on over my house and **** my sister anytime.

.logic.

Kairo

Originally posted by logic1
Aww CCCP you know I'm your buddy. You can come on over my house and **** my sister anytime.

.logic.

He says sister..but next thing you know it's a whack of a hurley across the head and waking up with a ball gag in your mouth tied to a chair..

odee

The thing that everyone says."If they don't like you for who you are, they're not worth it". It's true. BUT only becomes relevant when you are an adult.
As a teenager, it is so important to 'fit in'.
My only advice would be to make yourself happy.
Is there an after-school club that you could join?
If your self esteem is so low that you cannot act naturally in front of people, then don't.
Many people try too hard.
My thoughts are with you.:D

DeVore

Originally posted by CCCP^

<snip>
Only via the interface of a PC can I make friends. But who am I kidding? Making friends with someone over the internet isnt the same is it?

How the fluck do you make friends in a way so as not to compromise yourself? =(

1. Dont be so hard on yourself. You're growing up and growth is pain sometimes.

2. You arent the only one. I had precious few friends. I still dont have that many really close mates. The ones I do are worth it though. If the rest of them dont like you, fnck them.

3. Dont be so sure about not making friends on the internet, plenty of mates of mine were made right here on Boards!
You might meet them through the internet but friendship comes from shared experiences and common interests.

4. If the people you know now arent willing to accept you for who you are, then meet some other new people and be *someone else* to them.
I'm at least 6 people depending on the situation, and as scitzophrenic as that may sound its true. Everyone is a different person with their parents then their mates, then their girl/boyfriend etc etc.

I hope you get yoru head straight, teenage years are the weirdest. You are realising you are a lot deeper then you have been letting on, be cool with it, its all part of the growing process.


DeV.

ps: Welcome to Boards Odee, nice first post.

neuro-praxis

On boards.ie I come across as pretty serious (weirdly my internet persona is way more formal than anyone in real life would believe:)) but in actuality, I spend my days chuckling and joking with my friends.

At school, I had a similar problem to CCCP^. I was the entertainer, in both primary and secondary, and people were happy to let me make them laugh without actually making any commitment to me as a friend. The reason I laughed and joked so much was because it's fun and it's satisfying to make people laugh. However, it's not enough. My current boyfriend also went through this at school. They had gangs of girls who gathered to be entertained at lunch time but who were shallow pains in the ass.

I was lucky enough at school to always have a few close friends, only one of whom was at school (and had, and still has a similar problem. She's absolutely hilarious.:D)

But what I learned (and learned even more quickly when I went to a new school 200 miles away from my last one in sixth year) is that it's better to hang out by yourself and make people laugh periodically than to be stuck in a group of losers. My last year of school was a misery; I would have gone insane without the internet and the support of two friends from home.

In college everything is different. The few solid friends I had in secondary are still close; plus a whole array of other folks have come along. I am now living with two very dear friends and I don't know how things could be better.

The moral of the story is: once you remain true to yourself and be who you want to be, you may have to deal with being on your own once in a while but that's okay. Eventually you are going to make a lot of friends who will not only appreciate your humour, but everything else aswell.

If you have time to yourself, that's not a bad thing. Get to know yourself. Take up a hobby or a sport. Read a lot of books. Solitude is something I now treasure because I never get any of it!