something ive been meaning to get off my chest for a while now

LegacyUser

i don't know if i'm looking for help or not, but i thought maybe writing this down would be a bit therapeutic.

i met a guy through a friend this year, who i really clicked with. it wasnt my first serious relationship, but it was the first time i ever felt so strongly about someone.he confessed by our 3rd date that he was depressed, seeing a councilor, he was on lithium for the rest of his life and he was a self harmer. i expected to be repulsed or terrified but i discovered i was able to overcome this with the affection/love i felt for him (even so soon).

things were great for a while.sometimes id be bothered by the fact that he could never view anyhting other than our relationship as positive, and i also didnt really like him having his arms on show to other people. i hope the reason i felt like this was because i felt not ashamed, but worried he would suffer abuse at the hands of other people who didnt understand, some of my friend's included. we also had a bit of an intimate problem, due to his medication, it never bothered me, but him being a guy, it really got to him.

everyone was shocked at the difference in me with him, how much i seemed to care for him as opposed to all my other boyfriends, and i suspected he was 'the one' and couldnt imagine me ever growing tired of him to the point of leaving him....UNTIL....one day we were out for a drink and we were talking about the intimate problem, i said it didnt matter, that if we ended up never being able to because of his medication, we could do other stuff.

he went to the toilet, satisfied with my response, and then i started thinking about what that actually would be like which led me onto thinking what i'd have to do if i broke up with him....i wouldn't trust what he might do to himself, id be terrified the friend who introduced us would hate me. it passed quickly, and we were out later that week and we got talking. i told him what had crossed my mind about breaking up...all of sudden i got really really depressed and nervous, and i vomitted. we kept talking and he cheered me up and we sorted out my fears, i felt fine and was so happy i hadnt ended things

i woke up the next day feeling depressed again, feeling nervous, and i was wrethcing and vommiting all the time and had diaorrhea (which continued for the following week and a half, right through to my brithday). after the weekend i ended up telling my mother everything and she suprised me by being really supportive about his illness and telling me to meet with him and see how i felt. me and him met up, talked, i explained i was going through a really hard time and i didnt understand why, but that it wasnt his fault and id try overcome it.

the next day i was so bad, i couldnt concentrate on anything, and had decided that 5 days like this was too much, that it must have been somehting to do with the relationship that was getting to me and i decided to end things, cowardly over the fone, both of us crying. i didnt get any better, i was worse in the mornings, crying all the time. i went to the doctor later in the week who said that i couldnt handle the relationship, not to go back into it because if he was on lithium things were pretty bad, and i shoudlnt let myself feel guilty into going back into it.

my mum was despairing at this stage, and i know it seems like i didnt really give myself enough time to see if things'd improve,but i was so upset, so scared of never feeling normal again that i would do anything to make it go away. so the next day i went to see my college therapist. this was so weird for me-ive lived a good life, ive never gotten seriously depressed, and im fairly open minded. i was scared theyd suggest i should go on anti depressants, which i didnt want but i was ready to try anything other than that

the therapist has said based on that visit and subsequent visits that more than likely it was to do with the relationship, and the way that both me and this guy were at completely different points in our life at 20. he reckons the nausea and diaorrhea i had were the result of a food sensitivity, because it's rare that someone would be so nervous about somehitng it'd be a physical manisfestation, , and now im not so sure because for one, the depressed feeling/nausea/etc was way worse in the morning than it was in the evening, and a bug wouldnt be time based.

the friend who introduced us has recently moved closer to me, and im getting bugged by the amt of time she keeps calling me and texting me. i felt the same physically ill feelings last week when she kept ringing me, and when we bumped into each other last week at a club, and she informed my that this guy had been there, seen me, gotten really unhappy and left. we're going somewhere togather on saturday, and he may be there for some of the time...she said he wants to ask me what times i'll be there so we can avoid each other, and am i ready for him to text me. when i got this message, i panicked, said no...and rushed to the toilet to be ill

throughtout this time ive lacked clairty, ive never felt ive made the right desicions, never understood what happened. the bad depression/nausea went away when i started back to college 1 & 1/2 weeks after it happenned. i hoped the therapist would be able to magically explain things, but no such luck. ive wanted to get back with this guy, and not to, so i decided id better not contact him at all until i was more settled in myself. at the moment i dont think its a good idea we get back together, im scared of putting him through it again, and im scared i wouldnt be able to overcome whatever it is that i've decided to blame on our relationship.

im also very confused about this friend who introduced us....she's driving me nuts, and i seem to have developed some sort of mental block on her, even though she's been so supportive of my decisions, even though she had every right not to be. yet i get panicky and angry every time she contacts me, and when ive settled into conversation with her, i realise its not so bad. i'll end this here, thanks for listening, and if any of u have ever experienced anything like this let me know!!!!!

WhiteWashMan

the thing about therapy that a lot of people confuse si that it is not there to solve your problems.
it is there for you to solve your own problems.

sounds like youre in a humdinger of a situation.

in a way, i know how you feel.
i went out with someone for 3 years, we broke up, i moved to england, we got back together and then she decided to move over to be with me.
a huge move on her part. she left her job, her family her life.
and after just 1 week together, i broke it off.
and i sent her home.

how is this similar to your position you ask?
well...

the fact of the matter is sometimes you have to do whats best for you. sometimes you have to be absolutely completely selfish and totally self absorbed. sometimes you have to do the things in life that you want or need to do and sometimes, just sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

all sounds clichéd, but how many people can actually say they do these things?
everyone does things they dont want to do for their partner, for a friend, for a quiet life, whatever.
and the thought sometimes of doing something that will hurt someone else will make you feel ill.
you have no idea how many times i was physically ill at the thought of breaking up with my girlfriend because i didnt want to hurt her. i no longer loved her. i stunned myself by discovering that i had mixed up lonliness for longing, and when i realised what i had done, it was too late. and as much as i didnt love her, and as much as i didnt see a future for whatever reasons, the fact was she was still a nice person, still someone i cared about and still the woman i had dragged across the sea.
and it made me sick.
but.
i had to do what i had to do. otherwise, we would still be together, no doubt she would be happy living in a make-believe world, and i would be pottering along being very unhappy and hating myself for not having the balls to admit to myself that i needed out of this and doing it.

for me this was a huge learning lesson for me. it tought me that actually yes, its ok to think of yourself first, to put yourself first. personally i have come out the better. i feel better and im more confident. i can actually laugh now when make jokes about having a girlfriend move over to england (as my current one has done so) and not sent her home in the first week

long winded, but the moral of the story?
try and stop worrying about other people sometime, and think about yourself.
its ok.
its more than ok actually.
youve done what i feel is your best choice. dont get rattled, just learn to enjoy yourself. treat yourself.
hope it works out










dear god, a serious post.
must go and troll somewhere to feel better!

Beruthiel

I have to agree with WWM here, without going into all the details, I too had to leave someone who cared a lot for me, but I just wasn't happy and I knew when I left he would be miserable for a while, as was I. However, I also knew, that once we both got over that horrible sick feeling we would both be happier for it as we had done the right thing.
As with WWM, I felt much stronger and more confident in my decision making ability afterwards. It was the right thing to do, for me and for him.

I would also like to say that I too have had that sick feeling, for 3 months all I could eat was toast, and even that was hard to get down, I lost a stone weight and all because I just didn't know what to do for the best, for everyone concerned. It was a miserable time, but I don't regret it as I learned a lot and now know what I want and am much happier for that.
Sometimes I imagine what it would have been like if I had stayed, what a horrible miserable life that would have been!!!!

Don't beat yourself up, be good to yourself, do nice things for yourself and perhaps keep away from situations which keep you in contact with him, you cannot really move on while you have constant reminders of him, in six months or a year you maybe able to be friends, but for now, think of yourself only, it's enough to contend with.
best of luck

*me exits to troll WWM's troll

BuffyBot

Agreed with the guys above, so no point repeating any advice except this. Sometimes you have to look after number one and be damned. It's a tough choice, and it'll probably hurt like hell - but when you look back on it, you'll know you've made the right desicion.




*would never troll a la WWM and Beruthiel..no no, not me

Kell

Total agreement with Buffy there. Commenting as someone who has gone through therapy, the main thing to realise is that you are KING and anyone that causes you pain are to avoided. You dont have to be an ass about it just side step the issues that get you down.

Honesty is key as well. I dont mean honest with the ex or anyone else besides. Honesty with yourself is truly important and if you are honest with yourself then you cant make a wrong decision.

Never been sick over anyone though. That must really suck ass.

LegacyUser

thanks guys, the posts have made me feel better. i know im definately getting better, and hopefully soon i'll be 100%. the thing i'll say is that definately, at the time, i knew i was being selfish, but that i had to be, there was no other sensible option. i'm just still confused i guess as i never felt like anything had changed between us, or that i had stopped loving him, but that (as the therapist says) something within me had changed, maybe temporarily, maybe permanently, and i had to put that blame on him as he seemed like the most likely cause, even if i wasn't sure this was the case

also, im sure if i was really supposed to be with him i wouldnt have lasted this long without contacting him, i wouldn't have stayed away from him, nothing would've kept me apart from him and i wouldve gotten more miserable by staying away from him. Deep down i know im coming up with rational explanations-i just still don't trust myself quite fully, i'm a bit angry at myself for flipping when i seemed to be at my happiest. and i wish i could unblock this thing i have on the friend who introduced us, shes gone through an awful time lately yet im still terrifired of her. Maybe she makes me feel guilty-or maybe she's too close to it, and it causes me pain. She overcame it for me, so i kind of have to do it for her, but i wish i didnt have to so soon!

thanks for the serious replies, they're just what i needed- none of my friends have gone through anything similar to this and its nice to know im not alone. (even if it does mean im bringing every1 else down with me )

WhiteWashMan

if you havea probl;em with your friend who introduced you, the biggest cause i can think of is because you either feel as if you have let her down, or you are embarassed abuot the affair because of her role in it.

to both things i would say dont worry.
either way, its none of her business about your relationship other than as a freind to you or him or both.
if this friend of yours cant understand that you broke up because you wanted something else, or that you just didnt want that, then it isnt your problem. the problem your friend will have to get over is that you are not owned by her, and do not have to do the things that she/he feels are the best things to do in life.

in other words, if your mate jumped of a bridge, are you obliged to jump after if they thought i was the best thing to do?

think about it.
think about it a lot.
think about it some more, and please decide that life is quite good when you enjoy yourself, and put yourself first.

Typedef

Originally posted by got2bunreggie
the friend who introduced us has recently moved closer to me, and im getting bugged by the amt of time she keeps calling me and texting me. i felt the same physically ill feelings last week when she kept ringing me, and when we bumped into each other last week at a club, and she informed my that this guy had been there, seen me, gotten really unhappy and left. we're going somewhere togather on saturday, and he may be there for some of the time...she said he wants to ask me what times i'll be there so we can avoid each other, and am i ready for him to text me.

Without putting too fine a point on it. You can't live your life by someone else. Basically it's just this fella's tough that you don't want to be with him. Seriously you can't pretend to love him, just so you won't hurt him, that is no way to live your life and it is strange for someone to be dependant on you like that.

Take some hard advice. Stay the hell away from this guy and his mate. Get on with your own life and don't live it with someone else's agenda encroaching into it.

It's sad that this guy is so needy but, ultimately that is not your problem, so don't engage with that situation. Absolve yourself of responsibilty for this guy, he's not your brother, son or anything else, you owe him nothing and the fact that you have such a reaction to his prescence to me says that the stress and bad feelings this guys causes for you is a fundamentally bad thing that you have to avoid at all costs.

at the moment i dont think its a good idea we get back together, im scared of putting him through it again, and im scared i wouldnt be able to overcome whatever it is that i've decided to blame on our relationship.

To be honest, you are young and presumably not unattractive. So move on, find someone else, where the expectations in the relationship are a little less and there is no owness on you to participate in the relationship for fear of exponenciating this guy's condition further.

I went out with this chick once, who I procrastinated months about dumping, for fear of hurting her. This was a big mistake. As soon as I realised I had to break it off with her, that is what I should have done. This chick got depressed etc, after we broke up, but ultimately what was I to do? Not break up to keep her happy? I don't think so. I have rights. I have a life I want to lead that is nothing to do with anyone but me and my own ambitions. Of course I depend on other people as other people depend on me, but, there are boundaries to every relationship and really from the sound of it, the boundry where you have the right to live free from stress, gets royally passed when you engage with this gentleman, so from my perspective, I'd say give this chappy a wide birth. Bloody hell, enjoy your life, this sort of self abasing stuff is not going to get you what you want out of life. Realise this and move on, seriously.

im also very confused about this friend who introduced us....she's driving me nuts, and i seem to have developed some sort of mental block on her, even though she's been so supportive of my decisions

Then you need to stay away from this chick too. That much is plain I think. Basically I'd find a social group or situation where I didn't feel threatned and where I could just simply friviously engage in normal social discourse.
This entire scenario seems to me to be conterproductive to where you want to be in your life and thus is a social interaction you should avoid at all costs.
Perhaps that sounds harsh and yes in many ways it is harsh, but aside from harsh it's also necessary.

yellum

This has got to be post of the month. Great advice from all those that replied. Posts like these really show the power of an online community like boards.ie

Wow, quite proud I interact with these people.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by yellum
This has got to be post of the month. Great advice from all those that replied. Posts like these really show the power of an online community like boards.ie

Wow, quite proud I interact with these people.

dont push it, i can bring any thread to tears with one swift post

LegacyUser

Originally posted by yellum
This has got to be post of the month. Great advice from all those that replied. Posts like these really show the power of an online community like boards.ie

Wow, quite proud I interact with these people.

exactly. I use these boards regularly (had to go unreggi coz i didnt want other ppl from boards.ie who know me knowing the full story) and i was a bit worried that my post would go unnoticed, or that there'd be some mean repsonses, not that i mind criticism (ah, you know what i mean) but the repsonses were brilliant, and really helpful.

i am a fairly together person (apart from the 2 weeks in question!!!), i just gotta remember that.i just wanted to make sure i was going about things in the best way possible. thanks for the posts!

WhiteWashMan

the hardest thing is convincing yourself you are doing the right thing.
and to do the right thing means the right thing by you.
which will make you feel selfish.
which will make you puke.
but when you realise that you matter and that you have to take matters into your own hands and its the right thing to do, you will never look back. you will look on it as a good experience (well, when i say good....) and you feel so much better because you have stood up to yourself and youve believed in yourself and youve done yourself proud.
i could go on about it all day, but im only talking from my own experience.

Jak

Sally Jesse and Ricki must be shaking in their boots ...

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Jak
Sally Jesse and Ricki must be shaking in their boots ...

and you know their names!

Typedef

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
you feel so much better because you have stood up to yourself and youve believed in yourself and youve done yourself proud.

Broadly agree with the man here.*

Having confidence in yourself and your decisions is the very root of taking control and living your life I think. It's what seperates the men from the boys and such.

*Note I will have to randomly flame later on (somewhere) to absolve myself of such touchy feely postings

Graemo

Hear hear with just about everybody.

If you don't trust yourself who can you trust?

Be your own best friend, not your own worst enemy. If you know somthing is bad for you get away from it.

And don't whatever you do give him any false hope. That'll make things drag on for ages.
Took me a year and a half to break up with this one girl.

Wolf

I have had the worst luck with romance.
Sometimes you have to push someone away beacuse you care.

At the end of the day id rather be hurt and pushed away by someone I care about rather than be lied to and live a lie.

Also if he cares for you at all then he will realize that your better now and as if he cares then you beign happy is all that realy matters and that will make him happy. If not well your better off anyway.

I realy hope you get your head together and I my heart realy realy goes out to you. Also from the sounds of things you do have it together and im sure you will be fine as you sound like a strong person, ul be OK

ps dont know if this is approprate but this helps me.
(origionaly a pray but thats not the way to look at it)

Give me the sirenity to accepet the things I cannot change.
Give me the courage to change the things I can.
And give me the wisdom to know the difference.

LegacyUser

thanks very much
i think/hope its all sorted now
i went to the councillor on thursday and he informed me it was my last visit needed.

to update the situation-as far as the girl is concerned, shes gone back home now, but i think she'll be back. I presume the reason i got so frustrated with her is the whole link with my ex. i know i cant treat her mean for no reason, but i also know i have to be wary of her-just because she can make me feel uneasy, which i guess, is because of her whole connection in the matter, she is a really nice person and doesnt deserve to be getting extra grief from me, so i just have to control our relationship, so that i dont let things get that far. the more i get used to the idea of spending time with her (but not too much!), and overcoming the mental block i have on her, the easier it becomes

with regards to him, ive had no contact whatsoever. one of the last things i said to my councillor was that i really cared about him, and still do, so due to his problems in his life i think he deserves/needs an explanation from me that lets him know i dont think the matter was in any way his fault, or to do with him. it'll also probably make me feel i did everything i could in the matter,within my reach, to help him. if he still chooses to blame himself, then its out of my hands. i dont know if im ready for this yet- i now have a contact address for him. whatever i do decide to say to him, will probably be written, and kept for a few weeks to make sure i feel the same way about it before i send it out. and also, checked to make sure anything i said in it wont send him over the edge!!!

i dont know how he's doing, so i dont know if me contacting him is going to help him in anyway, because maybe it's what he's wanted to hear, maybe it'll make him feel better if he gets it. on the other hand, he may just disregard it, and still blame himself, and i'd be worried that i'll bring it all back to him when maybe he was getting over it. but i dont know what i can do about that. maybe i'll get the friend to suss things out, she sees him all the time. anyway, thanks for all your replies, they were very helpful, and definately made me feel a whole lot better.

YoungNastyMan

Im probably out of place here,
But it didnt seem like much of a relationship
Your were constantly being supportive to him
and there was a lack of intimacy.

But then again, im not the worlds biggest expert on love.