Calling it quits

LegacyUser

Simple question...

Say there's a girl who really likes you and you just like her, but don't wanna go out with her. You've gotten off with each other a few times and you want to let her know that without being a prick or hurting her.

In everyone's experience, what's the best way to go about doing this?

DeVore

Avoid her.

Ok, I'm a TOTAL chicken when this sort of thing happens (and its usually the other way around) but if someones all hassling me to go out with them or something, I just make sure there is a few weeks when I am not in the same company as them and make myself difficult to contact.

Its a bit unfair etc but they get the message slowly and then you can get back to being mates etc.

That is, unless you have actually been *dating* in which case you need to bite the bullet and tell them.

DeV.

Riamfada

Oki Buddie, delicate situation. To save her feelings and to treat her like an intelligent human being you must talk to her and see how she takes it. Sugar coat it.... ya know. Trust me it might be painful but its better than her wondering why you just turned into a prick and stopped returning her phone calls..... Plus after a few weeks you will be able to save a friendship but if you treat her like shes a slag and ignore her you will prob never talk again.

Trust me been in both situations

DeVore

It really depends on how far its gone already. A quick drunken snog and you dont have any commitments. But if its been more serious then that and emotions are really involved then yeah, best to tell her how you feel.
If it hasnt gotten too far then head it off at the pass and just let some time pour some cold water on it all.
Sounds like you might be in category A though...

DeV.

Riamfada

Here Here!

Kell

Originally posted by DeVore
It really depends on how far its gone already.

Theres the rub. Best approach is to ask her if she wants to take things any further. If she does, just say that your not looking for a relationship. Towing the "i'm not ready for a relationship line" really pisses them off so by A) asking her what she wants, shows a respect for her feelings and by being honest, you cant lose. It's a win win.

LegacyUser

yes, this is me. i am that girl to someone. i cant tell you how much it hurts to no that, but as they say thats life. be straight with her and tell her excately, therefore she can move on. if she hasnt already. either way there is feelings involved and i bet you yourself have bein in that situation youself at some stage and would have preferd to have know all along.

be a man and set her straight, chances are she deserves better

SheroN

chances are she deserves better

what makes you say that?...

LegacyUser

he's being a big girls blouse doing what he is doing. bet ya he knew excately how she was feeling in the first place but being the man/boy that he was 'used' her just to get his bit.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by missus
he's being a big girls blouse doing what he is doing. bet ya he knew excately how she was feeling in the first place but being the man/boy that he was 'used' her just to get his bit.

and so life rolled on and people learned the lesson that growing up is often painful and sometimes unfortunately its quiet humilliating as well and this is how it will continue and hopefully those people will take on board (.ie) what they have learned and in the future they will make the desicions that are right for them.

here endeth the lesson....



by the wya, if youa re friends withthis girl and you will see her then be kind and tell her. she will understand and you dont have to look like a complete fool.
if you dont see her in a social setting and she is not mates with any of your friends, then tell her over the phone.

but dont let the poor girl hang.

a good motto for life is 'do unto others'

remember that, and you will never píss anyone of too badly

The Corinthian

Originally posted by missus
bet ya he knew excately how she was feeling in the first place but being the man/boy that he was 'used' her just to get his bit.

/me begins to applaud slowly...

And when exactly did this divinely inspired revelation hit you?

The Sweeper

Couldn't be bothered rising to the unregi 'missus' posts, because her comment of 'she deserves better' is obviously inspired by her own bitterness at being with someone who she knows is only with her because she's putting out and who wouldn't look at her twice otherwise.

Original poster - tell the girl you're not in this for the long haul and don't take the pi$$ out of her by stringing her along, but at the same time, don't beat yourself up about it.

I wasted literally years of my life on a complete fool because we were going out together and I went abroad to go to college. While I was abroad, I decided the whole thing was off and I went a bit bananas and had a good time for myself. I never told him I wanted to split with him while I was away, because I wanted to tell him to his face when I got back - didn't want to do it over the phone.

When I did get back, I split up with him. I was a lot happier, but he started to hang about, on best behaviour, and suggested we give it another go. I was lonely, being home again was a bit of an anti-climax after being back at college, I started to believe we could work out the stuff that had made me want to split with him in the first place. Basically I agreed, we got back together, then he found out what I was up to while I was away.

When I say my life went t1ts-up after that, I mean he manipulated me completely, made me feel utterly guilty and worthless for what I had done, convinced me that I 'owed him', and enlisted (conscripted!!) me into two and a half years of further relationship that were pure misery on my part as the childish wanquer decided to take out all of his inadequacies on me - restricting my freedom, spending all of my money, abusing my friends verbally and isolating me from everyone but him. To this day I cannot understand what he could possibly have gained personally from what he did - he was no happier than I was.

What have I learned? It was my own stupid guilt that kept me with him because I was afraid of 'hurting him' again.


Unregi, you don't owe this girl ANYTHING. By all means, don't string her along but don't beat yourself up that she might be hurt by your lack of interest. It would be worse if you continued to do what you're doing under false pretences. Tell her out straight. The braver you are about this, the better you will feel afterwards.

Typedef

Originally posted by Minesajackdaniels
What have I learned? It was my own stupid guilt that kept me with him because I was afraid of 'hurting him'[/B]

What she said.

Say there's a girl who really likes you and you just like her, but don't wanna go out with her. You've gotten off with each other a few times and you want to let her know that without being a prick or hurting her.

Invariably you will eventualy break it off with her, your choice is to do it now or later.

I don't think you are exploting this chick for sex, but if you are, remember that you are just digging yourself that much deeper into emotional entanglement under false pretences.

I'd just drop the bombshell and make my apologies.

Lemming

Dunno - what TypeDef and JD said


Incidentally JD .... (and not meaning to go off topic)

Whilst he behaved like an absolute prat after finding out what you had been upto abroad, calling him a "childish wanquer" is a little double-standard, no? What you orignially did, whilst not in the same league, was both childish, and upon revelation to victimised party, very cruel (in that he discovered that 'n' months/years of his life had been wasted since you essentially strung him along). I appreciate that you didn't want to dish s*t over the phone, but not to do so for an extended period of time and allow things to fester is a deliberate and conscious act.

Not having a go at you or anything, but just that the impression I get from the story is that "It was all his fault and not mine for the situation that I ended up in".

I could have gotten the wrong end of the stick and mis-read this completely of course ....

The Sweeper

No, you've got a point Lemming, what I didn't isn't the proudest moment of my life, but there is a bit more to it which I wont go into in detail. I might sum it up by saying that when I went away I went a bit mad because the freedom went to my head. Still, (I was away for three months, by the way,) still I shouldn't have gotten back together with him and I shouldn't have allowed him to convince me that I owed him something for what I did to him.

If you're not an intrinsically bad person, don't let someone convince you that you are. People make mistakes, sh1t happens, and I stand by the fact that he was a childish wanquer because anyone with any sense or self respect would have just told me I wasn't worth their trouble and left me standing shamefaced where I was - lesson learned. No, he spent a looooong time trying to get 'revenge' on me for what I'd done, wasting his time and mine both. It was a pointless exercise, which incidentally has left me more bitter than I'd ever care to admit.

LegacyUser

original poster back

Has anyone any idea what I could say to let her down lightly? Things have got a lot more serious. It's a bit of fun for me but i don't want a relationship with her. Probably Kell's plan seems the best.

The Sweeper

If you've shagged her I wash my hands of you...

You could always print out this thread and give it to her. She might allow you to feel guilty between efforts to force feed it's crumpled remains to you.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by dunno
Things have got a lot more serious. It's a bit of fun for me but i don't want a relationship with her.

In fairness, if you’re going to play the b@stard in this little self imposed comedy, then you should accept the role you’ve chosen (or are attempting to choose) with grace.

In short, don’t be worried about hurting her - It’s ultimately not your concern and if it all blows up, chances are that the worst that can happen is that she’ll whimper after you for a week or two before deciding she hates you.

And let’s be honest; you’ll have little difficulty getting over that when you’re done with her.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Kell

You see- once you enter logic into all heart/mind equations then you cant lose. There are plenty of ways to question people with a purpose- ie I am a sales rep (sorry all) and I question people to decide whether I can sell them something or whether I cant. You can also apply the same sort of thing to a relationship ie question them to understand what it is they want and whether it sits with your own master plan.

By more serious I assume that you mean you have done the deed, but depending on how you view sex i.e. seriously serious or just another bit of fun (oh and also how she sees it) should decide how you proceed. I still reckon that you should just be honest and say "I have a blast with you, we really get on, but I just want to leave my options open".

On the other hand heres a question for Dunno. Why are you not wanting anything serious? Heres a scenario- I came out of an extremely bad 2 yr relationship about four years ago and that was it, had enough, no girls for me anymore. I met my fiancé 3 and 1/2 years ago and decided that rather than saying no to anything, I was going to keep my options open i.e. take it a day at a time and if it works out, cool, if it doesnt and she understands the basis of the relationship, cool too. I think you should try that one, because if the two of you work on a social/sexual basis then why pass up on something that might be really good?

The Sweeper

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
I am a wondering... Madj.. did you do the dirt on the wanker one before the end?

ehhhh thats the sum total of the wondering.

That's a nosey bit of wondering. And no, I didn't. (Fork me Merc, do you think that after the preceding 2 1/2 years I'd do that again??!! Nope, just decided 'Do I love him? ...I don't even like him...' and called it a day.

Victor

Spread a rumour about this new chick you've been shagging

ozpass

Spread a rumour about this new chick you've been shagging

....and if she's got a sister.....:eek: