Silly and Stupid Jokes go here

Shiminay

I'm compiling a list of really silly jokes...

I just want jokes posted here - not "That was funneh" or "That sucks" - 1 week ban to anyone who posts anything but a joke (use the Rating options at the bottom of the page instead).

I'll start it off (and this will give an indication of the kind of jokes I'm looking for...)

What's green and sits in the corner?

A Bold Frog!

I love that joke - dunno why.

Anyway, that's what I'm looking for and there'll be a prize for the best one! Just ask anyone who attends the Galway LANs - I supply prizes all the time for the various competitions and they're always top notch!

BioHazRd

Why are elephants banned from public swimming pools?

They always drop their trunks.....

Bio

Okie

What's pink and hard?

A pig in a leather jacket!

Dr. Loon

What do you call an Aardvark that's been beaten up?


A vark

koneko

What's black, lives in a tree, and is very dangerous?




A crow with a machine gun

plastic membrane

Whats yellow and black and would look good on a mime ?

A JCB

vac

What's green, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?
A pool table.

Pugsley

Whats pink and fluffy? pink fluff
Whats blue and fluffy? pink fluff choking
Whats green and fluffy? a sick pink fluff

Whats white, 6foot tall and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree? a fridge
Whats whites and blue, is 6foot tall and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree? a fridge in a denim jacket

Whats green and goes red at the flick of a switch? a frog in a liquidiser

Whats blue and yellow and is very dangerous? shark infested custard

Whats black and white and red all over? a newspaper
what goes black white black white black white black white black white? a cow falling down a hill

Ruaidhri

there was an egg and a sausage in a frying pan.
the egg goes to the sausage "phew,it's getting hot in here"
and the sausage goes "Arghhhh! a talking egg!"

do i get the speciul prise

did you hear about the magic tractor?
it went down the road and turned into a field

what's brown and sticky?
a stick!

what's got 10 legs,green fur 8 eyes and a huge mouth?
i dunno BUT IT'S CRAWLING UP YOUR BACK!!!!!!!!!!!


more later..

Zenin

Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!

*************************

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG

pyure

this is so old...but oh well :P

man walks into a bar....ouch

BioHazRd

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar....

The barman says "Is this some kind of joke ?".........

Bio

Shiminay

Why did the boy fall off the swing?

Cause he had no arms!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Why did the giril fall off the bike?

Cause someone threw a fridge at her.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2 Goldfish in a tank. One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

Thanx 4 The Fish

What's orange and sounds like a parrot ?

A carrot..

thegills

What do you call a woman standing between 2 posts?
Annette

What do call a woman perched against a wall?
Eileen

What do you call a woman not perched against a wall?
Noleen

What do call a man with no arms or legs lying in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Thanx 4 The Fish

Whadda ya call a man with a shovel in his head ?

Doug

Whadda ya call a man after pulling a shovel outta his head ?

Doug-less

Whadda ya call a man with a shot gun ?

Eamon

Whadda ya call a man with no ears ?

Whatever ya like

vac

Where can you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.



Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.



What is red and green and goes 30 miles per hour?

A frog in a blender.



What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam.



what's brown and sticky?

A stick.

cartman

whats the definition of agony??

a one armed somalian hanging off a cliff with a sandwich in his pocket

Thanx 4 The Fish

Why does a mouse when he spins ?

coz the more he goes round the many.

nanook

god said to moses come forth and i shall give you the world

He came fifth and got a toaster.

I still think it a classic

superconor

why did the monky fall outta the tree?

he was dead!!


why did the second monky fall outta the tree?

he was tied to the first monky!!


why did the 3rd monky fall outta the tree?

he thought it was a game!!



why did the tree fall down?

it thought it was a monky!!

DeadBankClerk

Originally posted by Kharn
Why did the boy fall off the swing?

Cause he had no arms!

Why did no-one help the boy back onto the swing?

Beasue he had no friends.




Why did the boy have no friends?

Becasue he had no arms.

koneko

How many poodles does it take to cover a football field?


It depends on how thin ya slice 'em.

Dr. Loon

What's got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog!

Drazhar

what did the blind girl do when she fell down the well?

Screamed her hands off!!


How did the blind girl's mother punish her?

re-aranged the furniture!!


Guy with no legs is waiting for a bus. One pulls up and the doors open. The guy looks up and asks the driverhow he is, the driver looks at the guy and says " fine, so, how you getting on?"

thegills

A man goes into a brothel and asks for a large black woman, so he's told to got to room 12. So he pays his $100 and off he goes. He goes into the room and the lady strips of and lies on the bed. She asks him what he wants to do and he replies, 'lie back and open your legs as wide as you can'. She obliges and the man stares at her for a few minutes. After a while she asks him again what he wants to do and he just keeps staring at her scratching his head. Eventually the man thanks her and goes to leave the room. The lady asks him why he paid $100 for nothing, and the man replies, 'I just wanted too see what pink cushions would look like on my new black leather settee.

ShevY

a man is walking along a beach when he hears a noise.
he turns around to see a girl without any arms or legs crying her eyes out.
he asks her why and she says "im cryin cause i've never been kissed", so the man gives her a kiss and continues on his walk. -only to hear the girl crying again. he asks he why and she says "i'm crying cause i've never been ****ed".
so the man picks her up and throws her into the sea, "Well, you're ****ed now!!".

Dr. Loon

How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?


Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed

Wossack

There was this black guy once, and his one wish, his ambition was
to own a big ball of cheese. So he's saving money trying to buy
this ball of cheese, but all these other things kept coming up so
he could never afford it. Eventually, many years later, the
mortage is paid off, the kids are through college but yet
he feels incomplete. So finally, after much pleading with the wife
off he goes to buy his ball of cheese. He goes into the cheese
factory and looks around for ages, finding the exact cheese he
wants.
So anyway, on his way home from the factory with his massive
ball of cheese in hand (both hands) he trips up, and the ball of
cheese starts rolling away. So, of course he gives chase. But he
cant catch up with it for the life of him. Eventually the ball slows
down to a stop at the end of the road. But then he sees some
white guy just walk over to it, bend over and pick up it and walk off.
So this white guy arrives home with his newly aquired ball of
cheese and shows it to the missus.
'Hey Maude (his wife) look at this big ball of nacho cheese I found
just lying on the ground'
'Oh my, its very impressive, but eh how do you know its nacho
cheese?'
'Well there was this black guy running down the road pointing at
it shouting 'THATS NOT CHO CHEESE MUTHAFU*KER!''

(sorry bout the length...)

acid

why was 6 afraid of 7?
'cos 7,8,9


doctor, doctor i keep imagining that i'm donald duck.
hmmmm, how long have you been having these disney spells for?

Dr. Dre

[edit] oops it's been told in a previous post [/edit]

As a consolation;
Q. What's pink and hard in the mornings ?
A. The Financial Times crossword !




Apologies.