Getting psychiatric help

Anon02

Hi, I would appreciate anyone's help on this matter...
Basically, i'm sure my mother is suffering from some kind of mental
illness. For at least the past ten years my parent's marriage has been in name only, they have slept in separate beds since I was a child (i'm 21 now) but have never separated properly, and had been relatively civil to each other.

But in the past couple of years, my mother has been getting more and more rage filled, delusional and well....odd.
She'll lie in her bed at night and mutter loudly about how old friends of theirs have better houses and cars than us (and considering our house is worth around 300k we're hardly in abject poverty...), that friends' children have degrees from Queen's and TCD and I did badly in my leaving cert and 'only' got into an IT (i'm now holding down a full time job and studying the equivalent of a full-time Bsc degree). It's mental torture. I've been reduced to tears on occasion by this, especially when she expresses disappointment at my education.
But it's my dad who gets the full brunt of it. Yes, he can be annoying because he's very safety conscious and today my mother went away and left a saucepan boiling on the gas cooker. He just pointed it out, and she turned on him and started shouting in his face like a demon! I shouted up that she *had* set the kitchen on fire many years ago by leaving a chip pan unattended, she then accused my dad of turning me against her, and a full scale row erupted.

I know all parents row, but she is CONSTANTLY spoiling for a fight, and when she does lure my dad in, the things she brings up are about things that happened up to THIRTY YEARS AGO. It's like she's living in the past. She was freaking me out during this row so I restrained her, then she pathetically pretended to collapse. Considering she has angina, it absolutely disgusted me to see her do this, and then pretend to hyperventilate when I asked her how long her tantrum was going to last this time.

I know that seems cold hearted of me, but she has turned me that way. I don't feel sorry for her in the least at this stage, and that's a horrible way for a daughter to be with her mother. I'm sick of being used as a pawn in her fights with my dad. Sick of her telling him to leave when it's HER who should go because it's mostly HER who has made my life a misery and been a major factor in my being diagnosed with clinical depression 2 years ago. I'm still on medication for it now, I had been absoltely fine until I moved back home recently, now I feel cnstantly sick in my stomach with stress, and get tension headaches from living in this atmosphere. I'm 21 years old and she treats me like a retarded child. For example she threw a massive tantrum when I said I was going to buy a bike recently, saying I would 'cycle in front of a juggernaut'. Please. She also seems to think I hve an alcohol problem (and it honestly surprises me that I don't), if
I mention i'm going for a drink after work, she'll ring me more than once lecturing me on the dangers of drink. If I was rolling in the door locked out of my mind I could understand but I have NOT ONCE been drunk in front of her. I have become quite a wine lover since I left home and when I came home with a bottle of wine last week, I was shocked to be practically branded an alcoholic! I've also been accused of taking drugs by her as well. She also recently lost ANOTHER of her friends, because she accused her son of attempting to steal a piece of music she
had written. The list goes on. I could go on like this all day but I
think I've given you the jist.

I'm not prepared to live with this anymore and as she refuses to see a psychiatrist (telling me and my father that WE should see one), I want to know is there anyone I can turn to in this situation, I know in the UK there are departments who can section people for psychiatric evaluation if they are putting themselves or others at risk but there's nothing like this in Ireland as far as I know.

Please don't tell me all parents have rows. I can be objective enough to see what's going on with her, I just feel utterly helpless to stop it all. It's not fair that my dad should live his final years in misery because of her, and as mental illness is no-one's 'fault', it's not fair she should be like this either. She just came into my room there and asked me to apologise for 'starting that row'....i'm astounded.

That's another thing. Unable to accept responsibility or accept she is in the wrong. She transfers ALL her failings onto others. Such as my 'bad education'. She has no qualifications herself and tries to live out her life through my sister and I.

Please help me out.

Kali

Well theres not much anyone can say here unfortunaly.. I definitely think some sort of counseling would be an idea, but its just not going to work unless she realises that
a) she has a problem.
b) it is effecting everyone around her.
Be glad you have a sister to turn to, I know one or two people in similar circumstances who are either a lonely child or due to a brother moving out have been left alone to deal with this themselves.. and as you mentioned that type of stressful situation can and does lead to problems with depression for those involved.
All I can say is get her friends (if theres any left) and family to help you convince her.. will require you to be pretty strong though.

Beruthiel

well, what can I say to that, wow!
I was married once, we had a child, when she was about 5 I knew the marriage was over, we decided to live in the same house, but live seperate lives, each of us having our own room. We did this for the sake of our daughter.
I nearly went mad, I stuck it for two years, in the end I had to leave for the sake of my sanity. It was the best thing I could ever have done for myself, my ex and our daughter.

When a relationship is over, it is extreemly unhealthy to stay together.
Your mother did, and the result seems to be she has lost the plot a bit, which is not surprising. How can you get on with your life if everyone is still under the one roof, you are caught in a time warp, you cannot move on. It sounds like your mother hasn't moved on and gotten a life for herself, she has nothing to do with her time except give you and your father a hard time.
Is it possible for you to move out, because if it is, do it now!
She does need help, but if she is refusing, there is really not a lot you can do about it. Unless, of course you go for intervention.
While you are still under her roof she will see you as a child - every parent in the world will always see their kid as a child, because compared to them you are.

Perhaps, she is faking illness because she needs the attention, to live in a loveless relationship for so long is dreadful, she thinks nobody cares about her, she did not put herself in the position of finding someone else to care for her, so now she feels worthless. I don't mean to be hard, but a lot of it is her own fault.

Never mind what she is saying to you, you have a job and are studying to make a better life for yourself - perhaps if she had done the same, she would be a happier person now, with more confidence and more love to give. I would never treat my daughter this way, you are supposed to give your child love and confidence, if you are not doing this, you are failing as a parent.

pm - if you need to ask me any question I have not answered.
I wish you well

Anon02

They stay together because that's how they were brought up, they're in their 60's and both catholics, my mother more devout than my dad.

I think they basically think 'At my age I can't go out on my own, i'm retired, I have nowhere to go'.

As for moving out, I moved home recently so I could save money for doing my masters or moving abroad, moving out isn't really an option. I'm usually out of the house most days till around 9 so, i'm ok, it's my dad I feel sorry for.

Kell

This situation sounds strangely familiar to an ex's alchoholic mother. The only way to get anything to work is for your mother to admit she has a problem. Thats the biggest hurdle and the hardest to overcome.

Is there anyway to get your mother to confide in you that perhaps she is a bit overwhelmed by everything and that maybe she could use some help? At least that way then the idea came from her and, if you point out that maybe she has exhausted the possibility of trying to find help from her family and that maybe help should be in a professional form, she cant freak at you as it was her idea in the first place. Seriously tricky place to be in and I dont envy you in the slightest, I just hope you can see your way clear and hopefully help your mother in the process.

Offy

I have to agree with Kell on this one. I used to be married to a cocane addict.

I'm not prepared to live with this anymore and as she refuses to see a psychiatrist (telling me and my father that WE should see one),

There is a clinical name for it, it is called projection and it is a very real and serious problem. Only you can help you with this one.
That brings back memories. You cannot help your mother Anon02, she is the only person that can help and she has to realize that she has a problem. As Beruthies said:

we decided to live in the same house, but live seperate lives, each of us having our own room. We did this for the sake of our daughter. I nearly went mad, I stuck it for two years, in the end I had to leave for the sake of my sanity.

I tryed that also for two years and same results, nearly cracked. I like your dad did it because I choose to, if he is unhappy it is up to him to do something about it, his life his choice.
Let me try and simplify things, your on an aeroplane about to take of. What does the air steward / stewardess say in case of an emergency? "Put on your own face mask before you try to help your children put on theirs." Why do they say this?
If you can't help yourself there's no way you can help someone else.

Victor

Talk to your GP, he could recommend a councellor, for you (if you are driven to tears by this) and / or your mother.

chernobyl

My Father and Mother hate each other i think and i know both have cheated but i dont really care cus i kinda grew cold to them.
Personally i would never bother as i doubt either will leave and your mother will only view your suggestions as negatives and against her.
Forget it and get on with your own life and try not to **** up like your parents, thats what i am aiming for.

thedrowner

just thought id offer in a bit of sympathy, your situation sounds horrible. if u feel better when youre not in the house then try and spend as much time as possible away from the house, thats what a mate of mine did in a similar situation.

id try talking it over with your mum, maybe she doesnt see how much stress shes putting you through-is she does, and does it anyway, then youve got to try and get yourself away from the situation, so that it doesnt affect you anymore, or as much.have you talked to your dad and your sister about this? if there's no way of getitng through to your mum, is there any way of getting your dad to move out and taking u and ur sister with him?

spod

The first port of call for things like this is probably your GP or your area's Public Health Nurse, Community Nurse or equivalent.

Try and get your ma to your GPs, he/she will be able to make a reasonably subjective assessment and decide on a course of action if necessary. If counselling/psychiatrist etc. are necessary you'll need a referral from your GP.

Another option may well be your parish priest.

As for sectioning her, that sounds a bit harsh. Although we have pretty much the same legislation/framework for this sort of thing as the UK afaik. It's very possible to get someone sectioned.

It does sound like overkill in your case. A bit of family therapy, or even just getting someone to mediate a family discussion sounds a bit more reasonable.

Unless she constitutes a physical danger to you, your dad, herself or all of the above it's highly unlikely she'll be sectioned.

Typedef

Try and get your ma to your GPs, he/she will be able to make a reasonably subjective assessment and decide on a course of action if necessary. If counselling/psychiatrist etc. are necessary you'll need a referral from your GP.

Except in Ireland, it is, I think, far too easy to abuse the law in the name of 'doing the right thing', by acting in a wholely extraneous and inappropiate manner in making decisions vis-a-vis the medical decisions in another person's life. The decision to seek medical help should be the decision of the person in question and that person alone. Except if that person is a danger to themselves or to the public and it should not be a Doctor who decides if that person is a danger, but rather the courts of Ireland, so that every citizen, has the opportunity to due process, before other people may make executive decisions in lieu of the person in questions free will.

This sort of nanny state interventionst legal quagmire, where the rights of citizen (x) can be abrogated and where there can be a dimunition of those rights to make decisions by medical professionals alone, is an anthema to due process and is in a cursory sense akin to Lynching.

Unless she constitutes a physical danger to you, your dad, herself or all of the above it's highly unlikely she'll be sectioned.

Again I agree, however, I feel that only a court should be able to incarcerate a person in this country. If medical criteria can 'also' be used to incarcerate a person, then what you have is a two tiered system where people can be imprisoned and have diminution of their rights, without the same access to legal representation as other citizens in this state. That is a medical police State.