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1/2 a chapter

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  • 03-12-2002 4:47pm
    #1
    JustHalf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,525 ✭✭✭


    Thought I'd treat you all to some stuff I've been working on.

    Here's 1/2 a chapter. Tell me what you think.

    http://minds.may.ie/~breach/chapter_one.html

    Excuse the poor formatting... OpenOffice seems to have emulated a great deal of Word's crappy HTML code :) I've cleaned it up a bit.


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    #2
    Earthhorse
    Registered Users Posts: 14,714 ✭✭✭✭Earthhorse


    Man that's pretty good. If that were a book I'd bought I'd be more than happy to keep reading.

    I would say that you might give it to a literate friend for a bit of editing. Phrases like 'and began to dart her eyes about the room' don't ring true. I'd also avoid the Yodaisms like 'late it was'.

    Other than that I've nothing but good things to say about it - the dialogue's well written, the pacings fine, the subject matter is interesting and your descriptions are good without being over done. I especially like the way you've used Ireland as your background and left it as background, without endless explanations of where Balbriggan is or what a Nitelink is. Most contemparory writers don't do this.

    Of course now that you've written the first half chapter the trick is to keep us interested...


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    #3
    thedrowner
    Registered Users Posts: 2,287 ✭✭✭thedrowner


    i really liked that-you better finish it off so i can read it!!!! my biggest citicism would be the way darren talks....like someone from a few centuries ago. i cant picture any guy from the 21st century using the phrases/big words that he does, unless he was taking the piss. it was very well written, and very grabbing, for me anyway.


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    #4
    JustHalf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,525 ✭✭✭JustHalf


    Darren talks the way he must. The "few centuries ago" comment is hilarious, though... that is the way he was designed: one of his characteristics is to seem to be from a different age.

    Thanks for the encouragement though.


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    #5
    johnnynolegs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭johnnynolegs


    reads very well and it is an intriguing storyline well done


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