One liners post here :P Puns also welcome

Sangre

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin...............................and tonic."


The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"


The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them

Rnger

There are many versions of this joke. I prefer the little Timmy ones however.

Why did timmy fall down the stairs?
Cuz he has no legs

What did timmy get for christmas?
Cancer

Why did timmy fall of the swing?
Cuz he has no arms

Why did no1 help timmy up?
Cuz no1 loves timmy

Cruel I know

de5p0i1er

Whats small red sits in a corner and keeps getting smaller,

A baby with a knife.

Jabbathegut

What is Helen Keller's favourite colour?
Corduroy

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.

2 baby seals walked into a club...

That'll do 4now

KdjaCL

To continue the monkey saga:

Whats white and sits in a tree?

A fridge

Whats white and blue and sits in a tree?

A fridge with a denim jacket on


What did tarzan say when he seen a thousand elephants charging towards him ?

"oh look theres a thousand elephants charging towards me"


Best Joke Ever

What do you call a 3 legged Donkey ?

A Wonkey.

kdjac

Drazhar

what did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well??

Screamed her hands off


What does Helen Keller's mother do to punish her??

rearrange the furniture


What did the rapist do to helen keller??

broke her fingers so she couldnt tell anyone

(oh careful:eek: )

Ste.phen

Originally posted by Pugsley
Whats green and fluffy?
sick pink fluff


What white and fluffy?
Dead pink fluff




Whats purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff still holdings its breath




Whats orange and fluffy?
Pink fluff with fake tan.

Whats black and fluffy?
EVIL pink fluff.


Sorry, thats all i got that doesnt involve dead babies...

frood4t2

Why do witches not wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.

Those Helen Keller jokes are evil! lol

ozt9vdujny3srf

A fish swims into a wall and says "dam"

Capt'n Midnight

What's Tarzan's favorite car ? Mazda 323

What did Tarzan say say when he saw a herd of a thousand elephants all wearing sunglasses stampeding towards him ?
Nothing - he didn't recognise them !

What did Tarzan do when he saw a herd of a thousand elephants stampeding towards him down the middle of O'Connell street ?
He calmy stepped into a phone box - made a trunk call and reversed the charge.

Capt'n Midnight

Boom Boom !

Thanks for reminding me about part two of the joke
(or the only part for those who have never heard of Basil Brush*)

Two elephants and a symbol fall off a cliff

"boom boom tscchhh"

ozt9vdujny3srf

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
Boom Boom !

pfff the joke is

Two elephants and a symbol fall off a cliff

"boom boom tscchhh"

doesn't make sense otherwise :P

Capt'n Midnight

Tut-and-come-ie.

Bad Joke.
What's brown and sits in front of a piano ?
Bethoovens piano stool.

Worse Joke.
What's brown and sits in front of a piano ?
Bethoovens stool.

cujimmy

whats brown and sticky?

A stick

Sarky

(When suggesting that someone has a low IQ)

"If you had another brain cell you'd bark."

(When suggesting that she might be little promiscuous)

"Like throwing a sausage up O'Connel street."

Sev

Two peanuts were walking down the road, one was a salted.

Pugsley

2 goldfish in a tank, one asks "how do you drive this thing".

QBall

What do you do if a herd of 1000 buffalo come through your window?

Swim for it.

YoungNastyMan

Sorry about this its a terrible joke.


Why did Johnny have no friends ?

Because he was in a wheel chair.


Really sorry

TheWolf

How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One

TheWolf

First sperm : "Man I can't wait to get to the egg, I'm going to be the first one to fertilize it"

2nd sperm : "What the **** are you talking about? We're still making our way down the oesophagus!"

cujimmy

I shouldnt but...............

<snip>

banned for a week - cop on you muppet :mad:

Capt'n Midnight

A dead Elephant.

What do you get if you cross the Red Sea with an Elephant ?

Wet

Andor

what did the horse say when he came out of the fridge?

[horsey noise]

BRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

[/horsey noise]:)

Silent Bob

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish


What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a pig?

Nothing, there are some things not even a pig will do


What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a lying politician?

Chelsea Clinton

ando

Q: what do you call a chinese child molester?

A: F*ck'emYoung



Q: what do you call a 3 legged donkey?

A: a wonkey

patch

Whats brown and has holes in it?
-swiss sh1t

Whats hairy and sits on a wall?
-humpty cvnty!

Whats hairy and gets harder the more you play with it?
A pubic cube!!!!


Ahem....:rolleyes:

Jabbathegut

More sickies....

<snip>


Straight to hell I go...

Cya



<I think that may be a little harsh, a one week ban will suffice>

Capt'n Midnight

What do you do if you get a peanut stuck in your ear ?

Pour in some hot chocolate and it comes out at treat.

cujimmy

Some one liners on marriage

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.