The Pianist

Kell · 08-01-2003 6:00pm #1

Hal, the pianist, is flicking through the jobs section in the paper one afternoon and finds one that catches his eye.

"Pianist wanted for fashionable city centre wine bar. Interviews in person".

That'll do me he thinks and wanders off to the address listed. He finds the place and goes in, wanders up to the bar and says to the barman:
"Are you the son of a b*tch mother f*cker wh*res b*tch who advertised for a co*k suckers inflamed anus pianist in the f*ckin newspaper?"

Shocked, the barman says: "Sorry?"

"Are you the son of a b*tch mother f*cker wh*res b*tch who advertised for a co*k suckers inflamed anus pianist in the f*ckin newspaper?"

Without waiting to listen to another word, the barman comes round the bar, grabs Hal by the arm and starts to haul him towards the door when Hal points at the Piano.

"You can play"? says the barman.
"Of course I can f*ckin play you goose pimpled, snotty nosed ragwort son of a b*tch" says Hal and sits down to play. For the next five or ten minutes the barman is enveloped in the most beautiful and delicate music he had ever heard.
"Jesus that was beautiful. What was it called"?

"My haemorroid burst and sent sh*t down my leg in B minor. Would you like another?" Another fantastic tune escapes from the fingers of Hal.
"That was better than the last. Whats that called?"

"Odd sized titties never come in pairs, in C sharp". The barman offers Hal the job but with the condition that he never sings, speaks or opens his mouth to a customer.

A few weeks later, things are going well. Crowds flock to the bar nightly to hear Hals brilliance, until one night, an absolute babe comes in and sits close to the piano gives Hal the eye, and starts sending drinks. Starting small, his distraction with the babe started to get out of control until he thought 'F*ck it. I'll off to the jaxx for a w*nk and that'll do the trick'. Sure enough, come the interval, Hal legged it to the jaxx and took one off the wrist. It took a bit longer than expected and in his rush Hal forgets to do up his flies. Taking his seat at the piano again, the babe leans forward and says to Hal-
"Do you know your c*ck is hanging out and you have cum dribbling down your leg"?

"Know it?" says Hal. "I f*cking wrote it"