Little Johnny Jokes

hells angels

Originally posted by Imposter
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

lol f*ckin class

PropertyofShell

little Johnny walked into a brothel dragging a dead frog, he told the Madam he wanted a woman. sha said, but you;re too you, so little Johhny pulls out a big wad of cash and says again, i want a woman. so the madam says go to room 16. little johhny says to her, i want a woman with the clap, the madam says all our girls are clean. little johnny pulls out a nother big wad of cash and the madam says go to room 13, so little johhny goes off to room 14 dragging the dead frog after him. when he's done he walks past the madam on the way out,. and the madam stops him and asks why the ehll is he dragging a dead frog around? little johnny says, when i go home i'm gonna f*ck the babysitter, i'll give her the clap. when my parents come home my dad will take the babysitter home and f*ck her, he'll get the clap. when my dad comes home he'll f*ck my mam, she'll get the clap. tomorrow when dads at work and the postman comes my mam will f*ck him, and he'll get the clap. and he's the c*nt who ran over my frog!

Cal

Little Johnny is sitting on the street corner playing with a bottle of acid. A passing priest decides that it would be better if he could get Johnny to swap the bottle of acid for his bottle of holy water.

Johnny - “Why would I want to swap this really cool bottle of acid for a crappy bottle of holy water?”

Priest – “Well I poured some of this holy water over a pregnant woman’s stomach and she passed a healthy baby boy.”

Johnny – “That’s nothing. I poured some of this acid over a dog’s b0ll0x and he passed a Kawasaki 650”

Sauron

originally posted by giblet

and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

pure GENIUS

quite a thread u have going here indeed
:ninja: :cool:

Legolas7

BRILLIANT:D

Sandi

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school. He visits one of the 4th grade classes which is in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," little Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

TeenStar

not the best but the only one i can think of


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem at work. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted by a childs whisper - "Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

"Is there anyone else there besides you" asked the boss

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the reciever the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied

"They're looking for me!"

Mr_Roger_Bongos

Nithing to do with thread. I was looking for joke but couldnt remember teh title.

It was about a radio competition
people had to ring up with local words
and how teh words were used in a sentence
teh prize was a trip to tahiti

the punchline was

D.J. - "O.K. Tom what your word?"
Tom - "Gwan, spelt G-W-A-N"
D.j. - "And can i have an example of how to use it in a sentence?"
Tom " Gwan **** Yerself!"

Can ne1 remember the rest of it, of where i can find it?

jongore

D.J. - "O.K. Dick what your word?"
Tom - "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E"
D.j. - "And can i have an example of how to use it in a sentence?"
Tom " It Smee again, Gwan **** Yerself!"

Mr_Roger_Bongos

Lol! Thanks Jongore!

The Reaper

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Evil Jose

Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the ******* float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid
in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"

mr smiley

Once a priest and Little Johnny were walking down a country road,
after walking for an hour they spot a scantily dressed girl
seeing her the priest says to Little Johnny " Look,what an eye sore"
the same thing happens again and the priest says the same thing to
Little Johnny, half an hour later the spot two scantily dressed girls walking down
seeing them Little Johnny remarks with a glint in his eyes " look Father two more nice whores

One day during English class the teacher asks, " Who can tell me the meaning 'indiffferent'?" The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No ones knows. Finally, though, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. The hesitant teaher calls on him, "Yes, Litte Johnny?" "It means lovely," says Little Johnny. Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher then asks, "Little Johnny, can you explain why you think 'indifferent' means 'lovely'?" "Well," said Little Johnny, "last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say,
'That's lovely,' and then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

After school one day, little Johnny came home and asked his mother what courting was. She couldn't exactly explain it, so she said, "watch your sister and her boyfriend tonight.

That night, little Johnny spied on his sister and her boyfriend on the couch, and the next morning told his mother what he saw.

He said, "Mommy, I found out wat courting is! Last night, sissie's boyfriend sat down on the couch with her. she must've been out of breath from their date, because her boyfriend was puttin his mouth an her's a lot. Then she must've been feeling sick, because her boyfriend put his hand under her shirt on her chest and was feeling all around. All that playing doctor must've madeher really hot because she took off her clothes and her boyfriend took off his pants. But whaddaya know! There was a huge snake in there! First sis tried to choke it, but it only made it bigger and angrier. Her boyfriend tried to muzzle on it, it was a plastic one that looked like a balloon. Then sis got smart and tried to put it in a scissor hold, so she spread her legs, but it got away. They both started moaning and groaning, and then sis tried to bite its head off! They were wrestling with that snake for hours, until finally, they killed it! It just lied there dead. But in a few minutes, it was back to life again! They tried the same things, and finally they killed it for good. It was limp and they got their clothes back on. Sissie's boyfriend took the muzzle off and threw it in the toilet."

One day little Johnny was in class when the teacher let go of a ripper of a fart. she then turns around and blames it on Johnny and says "Johnny stop that!" Johnny then jumps onto his desk and says"which way did it go!"

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe

little johnny is having a birthday party. and he has invited all his retarded friends around for this. so any way johnny is in the kitchen with his parents and his friends are all giving him the presents!. its a major handicapped social event so its a great time for everyone! any way johnny's mother asks johnny to kindly bring all the gifts up stairs to his room. he slowly picks them up and carrys them up. slowly limping as he cant properly walk. any way just as johnny is putting the last gift away he hears the door bell ring. he jumps with joy as its his best handicapped friend jimmy. he runs to the top of the stairs shouting in a handicapped voice " jimmy come in. come in jimmy. its my birthday. im special today. yay me. im happy." and so on... so he suddenly goes to run to jimmy as he sees jimmy has brought him a great big present. but sadly as johnny has a walking disorder aswell as being mentally retarded, he trips at the top of the stairs. now picture a handicapped child falling 20 or so steps downwards..... its not a pretty sight... espically in front of his mother who watched in horror. she screams! "AHHHHHHHHHH JOHNNY!!!!!"

everyone who is at the party comes running out. there is about 20 or so handicapped children around johnny who is lying in a pool of blood with both arms and both legs broken and twisted... poor johnny is mauled.....

his mother shouts "QUICK SOMEONE CALL JOHNNY AN AMBULANCE!!"

so all the little kids around start shouting

"JOHNNY IS AN AMBULANCE! JOHNNY IS AN AMBULANCE!!"

__________________________________________________

IM SO SO SO SO SORRY...........

The_Goose

you ll burn in hell for that one!

Diddy Kong

Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.

The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of **** or something?"

Johnnie replies: "No...My mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

UnrealQueen

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

atheist

The headmaster phones Jonnie's Mother: "We've put your son into a special class"
She asks "Is he a Prodigy?"
To which the head replies "No, he's a firestarter!"

Healio

Little johnny comes home from skool and starts talking to his dad:

little johnny: today in skool the teacher asked me to add 2+2 i put up my hand and sed 4. is that cos im smart?

dad: Yes johnny!

next day samething again:

little johnny: today the teacher said spell dog i put up my hand and said d-o-g. is that cos im smart?

dad: yes johnny!

the next day same thing again:

little johnny: today after pe my willy was 3 inches long and every1 else's was only two. is that cos im smart?

dad: no johnny, its cos ur 18

Walter Ego

The teacher of the 6th grade class was asking the class to draw a picture on the black board of what they thought was the meaning of the word starvation.
She called on little Mary and asked her to come up to the black board, and draw what she thought was the meaning of starvation.
Little Mary drew a bunch of lines, and told the class that these lines represent bones and that was starvation. The teacher said that it was very good, but said that bones have marrow and a person could live on the marrow.
She called little Sally to come up to the black board and draw her description of starvation.
Little sally drew a large circle with a bunch of little dots in the circle. She told the class that the circle was a stomach with breadcrumbs in it, and that was starvation. The teacher again said that this was very good, but people could live on breadcrumbs.
By this time little Johnny was going crazy waving his arms wanting the teacher to call on him to come up to the black board. Thinking there was nothing little Johnny could draw that would be dirty, she called on him to come up to the black board and draw what he thought was the meaning of starvation. Little Johnny walked up to the black board. He drew a small circle, and then scribbled a bunch of lines all over the circle and stood there waiting for the teacher to ask him what he drew. As with the other children she asked little Johnny what it was he drew, and how it would describe the meaning of starvation.
Little Johnny simply said, this a picture of an asshole covered with cobwebs!

UnrealQueen

A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.

Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

Just Do it ?

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:

1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up

She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.

Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

Just Do it ?

Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them.
The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave.
While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh ****," he said.
"Daddy, what's ****?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "****!" she yells.
"Mom, what's ****?" questionned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs ****ting himself and my mom's downstairs ****ing the turkey."

Seanie M

I'm going to give my 2 cents worth...

Teacher asked the class to come up with a sentence with the word "contagious" in it as their homework.
The next day in class, teachers asks Suzie how can she explain what the word means? Suzie says in one large breath "Last year I had the chicken pox and my mommy wouldn't let me go outside with my friends because she said it was contagious and I might infect them."
"Very good Suzie" says the teacher. "Mary, what did you come up with?".
"Well", says Mary, "My mommy wouldn't let me go outside to play during winter because she said the flu is going around, and its contagious, and I might get it and be sick".
"Excellent Mary", says the teacher. "Who else can help?"
Little Johnny, at the back of the class, thrusts his hand up in the air waving wildly.
"Yes Little Johnny?" the teacher says gingerly
"Moi dah says he saw our next door nayboor paintin' the back wall width a 2 inch paint brush, and he said it would take that c*nt ages!"

ba-dum, tishhh


I humbly ask for your forgiveness....... NOT!

Seanie.

Time Magazine

Johnny is in the toilet during class. After doing his two cents worth, he can't find any toilet-paper, and so he uses his hand to wipe himself.

He comes out with his hand clenched tightly. The teacher asks him what's in his hand. Johnny replies "It's a leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away." The teacher sends him down to the principal to see what's in his hand. The principal asks him to show him what's in his hand. Johnny replies "It's a leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away."

The Principal sends him home to his mother. His mother enquires what is in Johnny's hand. Again, Johnny says "It's a leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll run away." Enraged his mother yells "OPEN YOUR HAND RIGHT NOW!". Johnny opens his hand and says "Look - you've gone and scared the sh1t out of him."

The Real B-man

Slightly risqué but ...

little johnny says to his ma:

johnny:Mammy whats a condom? why am i all yellow?
mammy:well son 25p more and you would be melon, 35p more and you would be superman & 90p more and you would be terminator

EricM

Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Little Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in he third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the rincipal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed. Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am" "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"

"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants." "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut." "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could top the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am." "Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!" I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose." "Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow." "Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

damntheman

This is the best thread EVER!

old boy

has to be in the running for thread of the year :cool:

Zonko

The class are going through the alphabet. The teacher is reading out the letters and getting a child to say a word that starts with that letter. She goes to A, Johnny shoots his hand up, but she knows it will be something like "ass" he will say, so she goes to Suzy. "Apple miss". Very good says the teacher. She goes onto B, again Johnneys hand shoots right up. No, she though, it will just be something like "Bastard" or "Bitch". This goes on untill the letter R. At this point, no one has their hand up except Johnney. Since he is the only one, and she herself can't think of a swear word beginning with R, she asks him. "A Rat miss". "Very good" she says, "a rat." "Aye" replys Johnney," A Big dirty phuck1n' rat!"