Little Johnny Jokes

optiplexgx270

you clown you need to maximize the image!

Hagar

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

jitzer

The teacher is asking the class to explain the meaning of various words. She asks "Who knows what the word average means?". Little Johnny's hand shoots up. She responds with a weary sigh, "Alright Johnny, tell us what you think average means".

"Its an animal, Miss", he says. "No Johnny, thats not right but tell us why you thought it was", says the teacher. He replies, "Well Miss, I heard me mammy telling Mary next door that she gets a ride on an average once a week".

Piste

Little Johnny was sharing a flat with his brother. The flat was small and so Johnny and his brother had to sleep on a bunkbead in the one bedroom. Johnny slept on the Bottom and his brother, Timmy, slept on the top. Timmy brings his girlfriend home one night and they go up on the top bunk and start to make out. After a while things start to get a bit steamy so Timmy says 'Right, Johnny's asleep and I don't want to wake him up so If you want me to go faster say 'Mustard and If you want me to go slower say 'Ketchup'' After a while johnny wakes up and says 'Can you too please stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!'

StupidLikeAFox

In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or
legs called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house
and knocks on the door.

Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what can I do
for you?"

"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"

Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."

"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps
bleed."

---

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting
on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of
fúcking his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection
with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny
asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"
His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.",
to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fúck him?"

optiplexgx270

no where near funny either of them

IamtheKing

Little Johnny asked me:
"Can I have some money to buy a snow-cone?"
So I kicked his face in......

Magnolia_Fan

Pretty Risque
Johnny goes up to his father one day and asks "Daddy what does a vagina look like?", after composing himself his father answers: "Its just like a spring rose about to blossom"

The Next Day Johnny goes back to his father and asks "Daddy what does a vagina look like after it c*ms"

Little Johnnys father has to think for a minute and then answers: "Son...You ever seen a bulldog eating Mayonaise?"


Next one isn't all that good but I'll tell it anyways

The Teacher decides to give the class a treat today so she blindfolds all of them and gives them a tasting test...first she gives Peter a slice of an orange being young he hesitates and so she gives him a clue and says you might drink its juice with your breakfast in the morning"...so he answers "Orange!", she says very good and moves on

Next she goes to Mary and gives her some Lemon and like Peter she hesitates and so the teacher says "I'll give you a clue, You might use them for making drinks in the summer time"...she answers "Lemon!"...the teacher says "correct!"

So next its little Johnnys turn and the teacher gives him a little honey and like the others Johnny hesitates and so she offers him a clue and says "It whats Bee's make" being young he still didn't know and so the teacher asked the rest of the class to help and gave them all a little honey....still nobody could quite figure out what it was and so the teacher gives them another clue and says to Johnny "It what your Father might call your mother"

Johnny quickly spits it out and yells out "Quick Everyone spit it out the teachers trying to feed us Pieces Of Sh!t"

I know not quite up to scratch...I like the first one though

Eruu

A salesman comes til little Johmmy's door. Six year old little Johnny answers with cigar in one hand and a can of beer in the other. "Little boy, are your parents home?", asks the salesman.

Little Johnny knocks the ashes from his cigar onto the carpet and replies, "What the f*ck do you think?"

Drummer

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe wrote:

little johnny is having a birthday party. and he has invited all his retarded friends around for this. so any way johnny is in the kitchen with his parents and his friends are all giving him the presents!. its a major handicapped social event so its a great time for everyone! any way johnny's mother asks johnny to kindly bring all the gifts up stairs to his room. he slowly picks them up and carrys them up. slowly limping as he cant properly walk. any way just as johnny is putting the last gift away he hears the door bell ring. he jumps with joy as its his best handicapped friend jimmy. he runs to the top of the stairs shouting in a handicapped voice " jimmy come in. come in jimmy. its my birthday. im special today. yay me. im happy." and so on... so he suddenly goes to run to jimmy as he sees jimmy has brought him a great big present. but sadly as johnny has a walking disorder aswell as being mentally retarded, he trips at the top of the stairs. now picture a handicapped child falling 20 or so steps downwards..... its not a pretty sight... espically in front of his mother who watched in horror. she screams! "AHHHHHHHHHH JOHNNY!!!!!"

everyone who is at the party comes running out. there is about 20 or so handicapped children around johnny who is lying in a pool of blood with both arms and both legs broken and twisted... poor johnny is mauled.....

his mother shouts "QUICK SOMEONE CALL JOHNNY AN AMBULANCE!!"

so all the little kids around start shouting

"JOHNNY IS AN AMBULANCE! JOHNNY IS AN AMBULANCE!!"

__________________________________________________

IM SO SO SO SO SORRY...........

Okay - so you aren't allowed post porn, dead baby jokes or the likes - but this guy is allowed to post this ?

sgske

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

Nosh*tsherlock

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said,

"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

Shabadu

Da_cOmRaDe_MiKe wrote:

little johnny is having a birthday party. and he has invited all his retarded friends around for this. so any way johnny is in the kitchen with his parents and his friends are all giving him the presents!. its a major handicapped social event so its a great time for everyone! any way johnny's mother asks johnny to kindly bring all the gifts up stairs to his room. he slowly picks them up and carrys them up. slowly limping as he cant properly walk. any way just as johnny is putting the last gift away he hears the door bell ring. he jumps with joy as its his best handicapped friend jimmy. he runs to the top of the stairs shouting in a handicapped voice " jimmy come in. come in jimmy. its my birthday. im special today. yay me. im happy." and so on... so he suddenly goes to run to jimmy as he sees jimmy has brought him a great big present. but sadly as johnny has a walking disorder aswell as being mentally retarded, he trips at the top of the stairs. now picture a handicapped child falling 20 or so steps downwards..... its not a pretty sight... espically in front of his mother who watched in horror. she screams! "AHHHHHHHHHH JOHNNY!!!!!"

everyone who is at the party comes running out. there is about 20 or so handicapped children around johnny who is lying in a pool of blood with both arms and both legs broken and twisted... poor johnny is mauled.....

his mother shouts "QUICK SOMEONE CALL JOHNNY AN AMBULANCE!!"

so all the little kids around start shouting

"JOHNNY IS AN AMBULANCE! JOHNNY IS AN AMBULANCE!!"

Wow. You laughing at people with learning disabilities. Ironic, no?

Hagar

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Hagar

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

pred racer

Little johnny was in the sitting room playing with his train set. his mom comes in to see if he would like a drink and she hears him playing.

All the people getting off hurry the fcuk up
all the people getting on will yez wait till them other fcukers are off.
driver as soon as these c*nts are ready fcuk off smartish, weve a schedule to keep.

and she says JOHNNY THAT IS DISGRACEFUL LANGUAGE GO TO YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

little johnny goes to his room head hanging and mumbling under his breath.
after half an hour his mother relents and lets him come down to play with his train set again. After a few minutes she goes to the sitting room to check on him and she hears,

All the people disembarking please move along
all the people embarking please wait for the disembarking passengers before trying to get on the train.
Driver could we please be ready to leave immediately.

His mom smiling to herself on a job well done is just turning round to leave when she hears.

we do apologise for the 30 min delay but it was beyond our control, any complaints please direct them to the FAT AULD C*UNT in the kitchen.

nedoo

Little Johnny was born with an obsession for tractors. His first word was "Twactor", his first toy was a big red tractor. He loved when his father would take him out, let him sit on his knee and steer the tractor through the family farm. Johnny saved all his pocket money for years and years and on his 16th birthday he bought his own 4th hand Massi. He pimped it up a little, did all the work for his dad, oh how life was complete for Johnny.
His Dad, when Johnny was 21, said it was time to let Johnny know that there was more to life. He found him in his air conditioned shed, that he had purpose built for his ever growing collection of tractors.
"Johnny, son" his father said." I want you to go out and find yourself a good woman. I know tractors are the bizz but there is more to life".
Johnny, not wanting to displease his father, put on his Sunday best and went out on the town. He met many girls over the next few months but all felt second place to tractors in Johnnys life.
Untill one day Johnny met Denyse. Denyse gave Johnny a feeling that tractors never had. She was pritty and smart. She loved him just as much and this made Johnny to give up his days of tractor loving.

A few years went by. Johnny and Denyse were very happy and Johnny left tractors alone. On their wedding night, Johnny, Denyse and all their friends were in the pub and there was a huge party. Everyone were drinking and smoking. After a while the pub filled with smoke and it started to bother people. It looked like the end of the party as people were getting ready to go.
"Hold on", said Johnny. He stood up and started to draw all the air into his lungs. Huge amounts were sucked in and he walked outside and simply blew it all out. As Johnny walked back into the fresh clean pub the crowd were all clapping.
"Jeasus Johnny, thats one hell of a trick", said one person" How did you learn to do that?"
"Ahh thats easy", said Johnny"........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I'm an extractor fan!"

Boom Boom :eek:

KamikazeBananze

That last one was very good.

Glad to know someone else here's watched Blazing Saddles.

Here's mine:

Teacher announced a spelling test. She said each child in the class would say what his or her father did for a living, then spell the occupation.

Tommy went first: "My dad's a baker, and if he were here he'd give you a hot cross bun. It's b-a-k-e-r."

Susie was next. "My dad's a gynaecologist, and if he were here he'd give - "

"Uh, yes, that's fine," teacher interrupted nervously. "Johnny, it's your turn."

Johnny stood up: "My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he were here he'd give you 10 to one that Susie's never gonna spell gynaecologist."

Ann Elk

A Chinese Company have named a new line of condoms after Bill Cliinton.

How's that for little Johnnys??

Le Rack

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No"

"Well, than your not big enough"

Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No"

"Well, than your not big enough"

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go **** yourself, these are my cookies"

lovell

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnnys face grew serious and he said,

"You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off".

mobby

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was
invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little
Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the
spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
The mother proudly replied, "Yes. We are so thankful. The doctor said
he will have 20/20 vision"

Little Johnny replied, "That's great... cuz he'd be f*cked if he needed
glasses

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

---

Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"

His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."

Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'

His Dad says, "Both. God is both."

Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

---

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really ****, I've got nothing left to live for!"

(hah, i like that last one)

Nosh*tsherlock

Little Johnny misses a day at school.
He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"
"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium

Plug

Heard that one already, good to see they're not dead tho.

MichaelJos17

hah

MichaelJos17

weak

carpenoctem

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter that
he had sent to Santa the previous year, when they were living in California:


Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well,
I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair
of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the
whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in
the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers,
my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the
elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for
humanity!

What balls you have leaving me a ****ing yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair
of socks! What the **** were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you'd
taken me for a sucker the whole ****ing year to come out with some **** like
this under the damn tree.

As if you hadn't ****ed me enough, you gave that little ****head across the
street so many ****ing toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house!
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next
year! I'll **** you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of
yours and scare them the **** away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass
back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that
****ing bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, **** You!! Next year
you'll find out how bad I can really ****ing be!

So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!

Sincerely,
Johnny

carpenoctem

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?"

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removingthe cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

dvega

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.