Little Johnny Jokes

Enright

The Wedding Night
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother,
gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going
out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom
if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you
think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up
yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think
I gave him my airplane glue.'

great unwashed

'Mommy what were you doing bouncing up and down on Daddy last night?'

'Johnny I was er, I was eh ... trying to squash the air out of his belly!'

'Ahhh... Aunt Lizzie was here on Saturday pumping loads in!'

---

Johnny was regularly referring to sex while in class so the teacher decided to introduce sex education one day.

'Today we are going to talk about how nature makes babies and about where all the pretty things like flowers and kittens and puppies come from. Does anyone want to tell us a bit about the birds and the bees?'

'Miss! Miss! Miss!' say Susie and Johnny together.

'Yes Susie?'

'My Daddy told me about how flowers get their babies from bees Miss!'

'That's lovely Susie and ...' 'Miss! Miss! Miss!' - Tommy and Johnny together.

'Yes Tommy?'

'My Mum says that Mrs. Jennings cat gave our cat some babies, Miss'

'O that's wonderful, Tommy'. 'MISS! MISS! MISS!'

'Eh, yes Johnny?'

'I saw something about it on the Lone Ranger the other day, Miss!'

'The er Lone Ranger Johnny?'

'Yeah Miss - he was surrounded by a crowd of Indians but he took out his gun really quickly and shot them all dead and then he said: "That'll teach ya ta f*** with the Lone Ranger!"'

The Hill Billy

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy! '

Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"

Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is John F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss!"

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe-ffrench, sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert Barrington-Jones, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?"

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Patrick Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

old boy

little johney was in the garden sees some honey bees starts to kill them, dad catches him, and says they are honey bees, so no honey for you for a month, soon little johney starts to kill butterflys dad catches him, and says these are butterflys, no butter for you for a month, that evening little johney and his dad are waiting for mother to serve dinner, some cockroaches run out on to the kitchen floor, mother stamps on them and kills them, little johney looks at his dad and says will you tell her or will i

old boy

little johneys class gets a new teacher, on friday she announces that each friday she will ask the class a question, if any one answers it correctly they can take monday off, this weeks question, how many grains of sand on a beach, 2nd friday, how many stars in the sky, 3rd friday how many buckets of water in the river, on the next thursday evening little johney gets 2 ping pong balls, paints then black, friday morning he takes them to school, at quiz time he rolls them up the class room towards the teacher, all the kids burst out laughing, teacher pickes them up and asks, who is the comedian with the black balls, little johney shouts, bill crosby see you all on tuesday.

kevin216

ha:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D ha ha ha ha ha ha

sharkDawg

kevin216 wrote: »

ha:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D ha ha ha ha ha ha

Probably not as funny as the previous two threads, kevin216

newmills

Little johnny asks his mum "hey mum how come you are white but I am black?" His mum replies "when I think back to that party it's lucky you don't bark!!"

Havermeyer

Little Johnny is in the bath with his Dad when he says,

"Daddy why is my willy different from yours?"

His Dad replies, "Well for a start son, yours isn't erect".

pebbles21

little johnny is sitting in class holding a cat in his arm whilst petting it with his other hand

teacher says "Johhny you cant bring a cat into school!!"

"but..but.. teacher i cant leave him at home!!!!!!!"

"why not???"say teacher

"cos when i was eating my cornflakes i heard the postman say to my mum that the minute your kid goes to school im going to eat your pussy miss"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hagar

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . asshole."

atellyer

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away
with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied,
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking."

byrner88

So little johnny is at school and the teacher asks him to recite the ABC's and to name an object with the same letter.

so little johnny says, A, A is for Asshole..... the teacher shocked says LITTLE JOHNNY WHATCH YOUR MOUTH!!!
sorry johnny says and continues B, B is for Bull****..... The teacher once again gets very mad and shouts at little johnny, one more time and you'll go to the principals office.... C C is for Cun... DONT YOU DARE SAY IT LITTLE JOHNNY SHOUTS The teacher.... im giving you one last chance... so little johnny goes D, D is for Dwarf... the teacher amazed that little johnny didn't curse asks him so little johnny wats a dwarf? and johnny replys ohh thats a little ****

antodeco

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be absolutely f**ked if he needed glasses'.

Homer

Little Johnny's next door neighbor went to see a psychiatrist. "The other day," the woman said, "I happened to see my daughter and the little boy next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the psychiatrist, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my daughter's husband."

Stargate

i remember reading this way back when ......... lol so funny

Creeping-Death

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner in Hammersmith in London at 4am.
A policeman walks up and asks johnny his age
Johnny replies "I'm nine"
The policeman replies " Isnt it late for a nine year old to be out on the street. What are you doing?"
Johnny replies " I'm looking for a hooker. I wanna shag her and get an STD. Syphilis or something"
Shocked, the police man asks "What on earth do you want to get Syphilis for?"
Johnny calmly replies " I'll shag a hooker and get Syphilis,
Go home and shag the babysitter,
She'll shag my father,
My father'll shag my mother,
My mother'll shag the gardner, and he's the ****er i'm after coz he squashed my frog!!"

homersimpson

Brian Cowen was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Cowen if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Brian - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Brian - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent.

No other children volunteered. Brian searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand....

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Lenihan was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brian. 'That's right.

And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident either!'

brian076

The teacher asks the class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Mary puts up her hand and says "last year I got the measels and the doctor said they were contagious". Very good said the teacher, is there anyone else that can put it into a sentence?
Nancy puts her hand up and says "my brother got the flu and I had to stay away from him cause it was contagious". That's excellent says the teacher, anyone else?
Me Miss says Johnny I have one. Ok says the teacher reluctantly let's hear your one.
Our nextdoor neighbour was painting his garden fence with a 3" brush, and my dad said it was going to take the c**t ages.

CutzEr

This topic is stupid.

Idiots like the above 2 ^^ are posting the same joke over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. It gets VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying VERY annoying so stop thx

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her bloody appendix out!"

baller06

Little Johnny returned to school after Christmas and the teacher started by asking her students what presents they got. Little Mary began by saying she got a woof woof. The teacher scolded her and told her to use grown up words so she said she got a dog.
Next Little Billy said he got a choo choo. The teacher, becoming visibly frustrated again scolded her students and told them to use proper words so he said he got a train.
Finally she asked Little Johnny what he got and he replied he got a book. She asked him what book it was and he said "Winnie the ****e!"

dh0661

Apologies if this has been here before.

Little Johnny's teacher asked, "what is the chemical formula for water ?"

Little Johnny replies " HIJKLMNO"

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "what on earth are you talking about"

Little Johnny replies, "well Miss yeaterday you told us it was H to O !!"

herisson

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
Little Peter, the florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then, Little Susie, the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from Little Johnny the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

jc7

The Teacher said to little Johnny, "use harassment in a sentence."
Little Johnny said, " Her mouth said no, but her a*s meant yes."

MARKYAFC

Doodee great joke:D Lmao

bfcman

Don't know if this was already posted?

Little Johnny's mother answered a knock on the door and it was little Mary's mother.

Mary's Mother: Your Johnny has been playin' doctors and nurses with my Mary

Johnny's Mother: Sure all kids play that

Mary's Mother: Yeah but hes after takin' Mary's f....king apendix out

Kristopherus

bfcman wrote: »

Don't know if this was already posted?

Little Johnny's mother answered a knock on the door and it was little Mary's mother.

Mary's Mother: Your Johnny has been playin' doctors and nurses with my Mary

Johnny's Mother: Sure all kids play that

Mary's Mother: Yeah but hes after takin' Mary's f....king apendix out

Dodo:D:D:D:D

See Post 142 above

dxhound2005

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I f**king have 1 at home!!!

jc7

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"

"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Son!"