Marrying your first girlfriend HELP

tp129933

I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years, and we're both in our mid-twenties.

She was the first person I gone out with, and slept with, but she's had sex with her two previous boyfriends.

What do people think about only having sex with only one person in their life?

I'd probably find the decision easier if she hadn't slept with anyone before me, but that's just not the case. I can't change the past. However much I'd like to!

I'm positive that any type of 'cheating' or going on a 'break' would destroy the relationship for me.

I keep imagining her having sex with the previous two boyfriends. I can't help it and I can't explain it. It tears me up thinking about it.

I really need people's opinion on this. Ultimately you only live once, but I'm very confident that this girl could make me happy for the rest of my life.

TP

scojones

if you don't want to be with anyone else then there's your answer. It doesn't matter how many people you've been with, as long as your happy with this one. She's been with 2 before, so what? She's with you now right? You must be doing something right romeo.

viking

Well said sjones...

tp129933

I suppose I'm trying to find out if I'm missing out in life, if I only have one partner.

scojones

Not at all. If you love her, then, her being your only partner should be better than if you were with 50+ people. She's the only one you've been with so that should make your relationship stronger.She's the one you love. You're not missing out on anything. Lots of people i know regret being with people they didn't love. You're lucky. Trust me.

spoofer

no matter what you do, you will probably think you are missing out.
Have an affair.. lose the gf... missing what could have been..
Stay with gf.. missing what you could have had.
Remember that maybe's and could have been's is never clearly defined.
Make your choice and enjoy it. Don't look back. For any reason. It will only bring you heartache.

Beruthiel

she slept with two blokes - so what???
now if she had slept with 202 then you might ask questions, but two?
stop making problems where there are none, get over it and enjoy the fact that they were of no interest to her, after all, is it not you that she is with??

The_Bullman

I recomend going to amsterdam and trying out a few hookers.

And since you are paying for it you technically aren't cheating.

WhiteWashMan

if oyu have a fullfilling and enjoyable and loving sex life, then you have nothing to worry about.
if you feel that you are missing out on something, then i suggest you discuss it with your girlfriend. she is most likely to understand. and it may open up new avenues for sexual exploration.
although be careful to make her understand you are not bored of your sex life! just make sure that she understands that you cant help wondering sometimes what its like to be with other people or whatever.

if she loves you, and no doubt she does, then you might have a look at your love life and spice it up, becuase to be hoenst most people start wondering these things when things get a bit tired and boring inthe bedroom. they start to fantasize about other people, situations, role plays etc. so do it. role play, fantasize, change the situation, just do it WITH your partner.

as for sleeping with other people, well, its over rated. once youa re with someone that you love who you can have a loving relationship and can enjoy sex with, then the skies the limit, and if you both trust each other, you can pretty much fullfill any fantasy you want without hurting each other.

no need for cheating. just communication
dont be shy!

scojones

WWM being serious for once. /me *blinks* and falls over.

tp129933

In fact I have discussed this with her. She's been very understanding about it. She brought up the idea of me going on holidays alone to 'sow my oats' but in the end, we thought it could possibly do more harm than good.

Our sex life is fine, in fact I know that we've done an awful lot more intersting things that her previous two boyfriends put together.

Truthfully, putting this bluntly, two strangers have "gotten their hole" with my girlfriend, and I wonder how people can forget this! I wish I could!

TP

P.S. How do you 100% know that you've met the right girl, when you havn't met the wrong one?

Kell

Right- this is going to sound soppy cos it is-

You've met the right girl when-

1) whenever you think of her it makes you smile
2) thinking about her makes you calm when tense
3) nothing is nicer than spending the night wrapped around her
4) you're not generally prone to thinking negatively about her
5) when you fight you stick to the point and dont get into a mud slinging match of trying to make out who is the bastard or the bitch
6) when nothing she asks you to do is a hassle
7) you cant think of being with anyone else
8) you would say no to a threesome with Anna Kournikova and Salma Hayek (joke. No one I know would refuse this. Gay, straight or other)

As for this "she slept with two other guys" shíte, grow up man. That would have crossed my mind when I was eighteen but certainly not in my mid twenties. I think everyone gets a bit squirmish when they think of how many time their partner has had their lights banged out. Just dont think about it. Maybe it's the fact that you got into the sex thing I would say reasonably late?? and therefore have been affected by this bit of news a bit harder than say your average 18 year old?

2? My GF has never made the mistake of asking me how many I have slept with and I think I would be pre-emptively divorced if she did. Dont make an issue of it as it can only hurt the relationship if you cant get beyond it

logic1

Seems to me you're fairly jealous and might be a little insecure.

You're gonna have to get over this b4 your relationships get's anywhere man.

Maybe you don't like the way you look or are uncomfortable with your current position in life. Anything bad your feeling about yourself can be reflected onto the other relationships you have in your life and have a negative effect on those.

.logic.

Samson

Originally posted by The_Bullman
I recomend going to amsterdam and trying out a few hookers.

And since you are paying for it you technically aren't cheating.

I was just about to suggest that.
I suspect after the experience, you would feel a lot better about your current relationship.

So she had sex with someone before she met you, big deal.

You hardly think she should have been waiting until you came along to start living her life do you?

Tazz T

So say you go with someone else and it ruins your relationship, what's your chances of finding another perfect partner - who's a virgin.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by tp129933
What do people think about only having sex with only one person in their life?

It goes against nature!!! :rolleyes:

Seriously, I would look for some time out and sow some wild oats if I were you. You're already regretting not being with anyone else in your life and you're not even married to this girl, ffs.

Unfortunately you're in a no-win situation. Stay with her and you may well resent her in the long run. Leave her and you may never find anyone like her again when you're ready to finally settle down.

Victor

Originally posted by tp129933
What do people think about only having sex with only one person in their life?

There is no real problem with this.

Originally posted by tp129933
going on a 'break' would destroy the relationship for me.
...
but I'm very confident that this girl could make me happy for the rest of my life.

This sounds like you are over-dependant on her. Have ye spent any time apart? I think it might be needed.

Originally posted by tp129933
I keep imagining her having sex with the previous two boyfriends. I can't help it and I can't explain it. It tears me up thinking about it.

It happens many people, possibly affects men more than women. There is nothing 'wrong' with feeling uncomfortable with it, but don't obsessive over it, it's in the past and she's with you now.

Typedef

Originally posted by tp129933
What do people think about only having sex with only one person in their life?

That's a bit of a tough one.

On the one hand... it's good to experience different lovers, on the other hand, too much experience with too many people, makes relationships with women, cheap frivolous experiences.

However.... I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with only every having one lover.... it is not ususal in this day and age... but then again... divorce is at an all time high... so if you want a long term relationship with this woman... I don't see why you should feel insecure about only every having slept with her... especially if you are thinking of marrying her.

No... I think the whole 'having sex with only one person' is a non-issue to be honest and is 'nothing' to be ashamed, embarressed or insecure about..... maybe even the exact opposite.

darthmise

Originally posted by Beruthiel

stop making problems where there are none

Best piece of advice i've read.


Christ all mighty! You're talking about marrying this girl when there's a chance something as ridiculous as this little 'problem' of yours might affect your relationship?!? God help ye if a real problem, comes along.

If you feel like you're missing out then do something about it and get it out of your system.
If its a case of she's slept with more people than you have, then grow up and ffs don't get married.

Which is it as a matter of intrest?

HJ Simpson

Dude,
If you really love her it doesnt matter a **** how many people either of you have or haven't been with.
If you shag someone else thats all its going to be "A SHAG"
not that I have anything against this but its the love thing that makes what you have with each other. (EXCUSE ME WHILE I CHECK MY PANTS FOR BALLS!!)

Seriously man its no big deal. Just think do you really want to be with someone else. It will be a big downer in you relationship.

As for going to Amsderdam yeah go get lots of hash stay away from hookers god knows what you would catch. Bring your girlfriend. Take a trip down the red light district and check out the windows.
Love the One your with!!!

Typedef

If you shag someone else thats all its going to be "A SHAG"

May as well **** as do that.

Less emotional hassel, danger of stds etc.

</bluntness>

tp129933

Originally posted by darthmise

If you feel like you're missing out then do something about it and get it out of your system.
If its a case of she's slept with more people than you have, then grow up and ffs don't get married.

Which is it as a matter of intrest?

This issue has been on my mind for at least two years, and I'm still 50/50 on it. I couldn't cheat on her, she doesn't deserve it. When you say she's slept with more people then me. I think there is a big difference between 202 and 200 instead of 2 and 0.

I appreciate all the advice that has been given by everyone, especially Beruthiel's. Please keep it coming.

tp

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

thedrowner

Originally posted by tp129933
.
What do people think about only having sex with only one person in their life?

i dont really think anything about it. if the first person you sleep with just happenes to be the person you spend the rest of your life with, then thats just the way things worked out for you, but it worked out differently for her, so try not to make an issue of it, or learn to come to terms with it, if you dont want to be with anyone else.

DriftingRain

Don't think about her past. Think of her future with you...More than likely if you cheat on her you will never fully have her trust again...esp. if you do it with a hooker. I think your loking to hard into this. Be happy you have someone that loves you and forget the crap about the past...Look ahead in life...looking behind will only ruin things! Good Luck to ya...

Kell

Originally posted by daveirl
you'll be hard pressed to find a virgin.

True, but I am wondering where the hell that came from.
Dave?? Anyways, virgins make lousy lovers first time round, until after their broken then they're firecrackers that cant get enough if you break 'em right.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Kell
Anyways, virgins make lousy lovers first time round, until after their broken then they're firecrackers that cant get enough if you break 'em right.

And if trained correctly, willing, quite naturally, to perform acts that one would hesitate to request from a professional...

Balfa

salma hayek's a dog

Kell

Originally posted by Balfa
salma hayek's a dog

HEATHEN! GET YE HENCE TO ENDLESS NIGHT.

Typedef

Originally posted by The Corinthian
And if trained correctly, willing, quite naturally, to perform acts that one would hesitate to request from a professional...

Les liasons dangereux

DriftingRain

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!
Sometimes you guys just kill me!

Jim

my sister got engaged to her first ever boyfriend, they were goin out for 7 years, got engaged, moved in together, and a year and a half later she realised "this is the rest of my life", so she proptly dumped him. hope everythin works out

Jimmeh

Kell

Originally posted by Jimeatsmenu
my sister got engaged to her first ever boyfriend, they were goin out for 7 years, got engaged, moved in together, and a year and a half later she realised "this is the rest of my life", so she proptly dumped him. hope everythin works out

Jimmeh

Your words bring rays of sunshine to the world. More, more.

Cake Fiend

You're having doubts about your possible imminent marriage because of sex?

Do you have any psychologist friends you can talk to? :rolleyes:

The Reaper

jaysus man Marry her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im in the same situation but im gona marry her im proposing soon!
i no she will make me happy 4eva so ive made my mind up and its marrage 4 me and i strongly suggest the same 4 u!

tp129933

Originally posted by daveirl
quick question. Are you jealous just because she's been with other guys or do you want to have more than one relationship yourself. Or Both.

Good question..

I don't think I would be as preoccupied about having another relationship if she hadn't any previous relationships before me. Does that answer your question? I think "both" is the answer.

The thing is...
If we broke up, I "sowed my oats", and then we got back together. Would I have less of problem with her past? I don't know! Any opinions?

TP

Typedef

Two other blokes, isn't exactly, umm a lot.

Without causing offence, it seems the two of you are suited to each other.

I don't see what the issue really is to be honest, two lovers (only) before you is not important.

It's not a pissing contest for christ sake man.

Beruthiel

If we broke up, I "sowed my oats", and then we got back together. Would I have less of problem with her past? I don't know! Any opinions?

yup - if you got to sleep with other women this would become a non issue in my opinion, but I would also think that you will never get back to what you have now.
You know, if this is the only thing that is bothering you in your relationship then you should be thanking your lucky stars

smiles

Originally posted by Jimeatsmenu
my sister got engaged to her first ever boyfriend, they were goin out for 7 years, got engaged, moved in together, and a year and a half later she realised "this is the rest of my life", so she proptly dumped him. hope everythin works out

Jimmeh

Well it works for some people, my sister was going out with her first boyfriend (his first girlfriend) for 7 years, they got married and have been having a wonderful time for nearly 3 years now.

Look, from the sounds of it you're just sounding a little unsure, getting married is a big step and you're afraid that because you havent been with anyone else you dont know if it can be any better than it already is.

Simple fact, if you're happy and you don't fancy anyone else then don't worry about it. It's only when you fancy other people or when you're unhappy that you should think about quitting the relationship.

Obviously this girl is as crazy about you as you are about her, you don't feel like you're missing out, you're just afraid that you might be.

I'd say to stay where you are, you've already discussed the other possibilities with her, and you both think that it'll cause problems. I don't think shagging someone else (excuse the crudity) will make you feel better.

Good luck

<< Fio >>

Jim

hey i was just givin an example i know of. If ur sure you'll be happy with her then go for it, just make SURE ur sure.

i agree wit Beruthiel. If u have sex wit some1 else it will answer ur question completly, it might make u realise what uve got, o
r it might make u realise what ur missing

Tusky

man u have a problem , if she had done this DURING your relationship fine...or if she was a sluth ...but shes not...2 is nothing.... and shes with YOU now , be happy you have som1 :P

mishmish

I myself have only slept with the man I will be marrying. I have, however, had past relationships but sex never entered into them... my fiance, however, was not a virgin when we met and I did/and kinda still do have issues with that. I do share that when I first found out about it I would think about him having sexual relations with them, and it just made my insides churn and it was like it was an obsession of mine.. I couldn't not think about it. Time has helped heal it and the fact that I know this person is who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and we can't all envision who we're going to end up with to be able to filter out who we'll have sex with and who not. It just happens over time, with meeting knew people and finding that special someone. It really just comes down to love and realizing that instead of having meaningless sex with girl after girl, you've actually found that one person who can make the experience so much more meaningful and define mere sex as a sharing of intimacy with someone that matters so much to you and who you know loves and appreciates you just as much.

tp129933

Thanks for the post mishmish. It's sound almost identical except the roles are reversed.

I had the idea that my issues would fade away after time. But then, isn't that just cheating yourself! It would feel like I'm getting a (lack of a better word) "raw deal".

Above all else I don't want to wake up in 20 years realising I made the wrong decision. Marriage is for life full stop.

TP

mishmish

Yes, that's true. Marriage is a lifelong choice that you have to make and accept. If you're in any way doubtful, you either don't love this person enough to make the commitment and if you did do it you might be enticed to cheat and where would that get you? You need to ask yourself would you be willing to be faithful to this person, because if sex with other people is that important to you, then even being engaged is highly questionable... you need to decide what's more important to you.... If you *truly* love this person that much, would you not care about sleeping with anyone else but your one and only?

On one other far out tangent of a note: I feel many would consider it lucky and admirable that you found your true love so early in life...

The Corinthian

Originally posted by mishmish
you might be enticed to cheat and where would that get you?

Laid.

On one other far out tangent of a note: I feel many would consider it lucky and admirable that you found your true love so early in life...

Perhaps as many of us never do, maturity tends to be a bit of a wet blanket where it comes to true love.

On the other hand regret is quite indiscriminate - I’ve seen as much resentment and regret from the aging chaste and soul-mated as I have from the aging licentious and degenerate.

AngelAine

I'd just like to enlighten you to something. I'm only 20 but I am really happy in my long term relationship, to the point that i think he's the one. He has had previous partners, slept with a few girls, I have done the same (fellas in my case!). We both really wish that we had lost our virginity to each other but thats life, these things happen.

I used to think about the girls he shagged (and thats what it was....a good seeing to, making sure he came) and my stomach would churn but what I have with him he never had with anyone else and thats whats important.

I wish I didn't shag Mr. X and Mr. Y but I did. It meant nothing and they are not a patch on him. I'm sure thats how your girlfriend looks on her past. She probably has regrets, maybe she doesn't but I'm sure she never gives what happened in her a past a second thought.

Only recently I sat down with my boyfriend and we talked about our past....(shags) and it was funny. We know that what we have is special and nothing compares to that....

evie

Well, this certainly is an interesting thread! Many many different points of view!
I think that we need to get back to basics, the basics being: You are obviously in love with this girl and would do anything for her. She obviously feel the same way and demonstrates it by letting you go away on holidays to "sow you oats". (this btw is NOT a good idea!)
You both mean the world to each other and that is the main thing. I think somebody said this already but not many people have what you have. Don't ruin it by thinking about the past. What's done is done and you can't change that. Think about what you have now. You seem to think that you aren't worthy of her or something. Totally not true. She has proved you wrong by staying with you and (oh no I'm getting soppy) proclaiming her love for you, that's all that matters!

Please please think about what you have and not what other people HAD - had being the PAST participle of have!

good luck!

tp129933

I firstly like to thank everyone for taking the time posting, and giving their opinions. I needed some time to chew on some of the posts people made.

Evie - You're right. I wasn't expecting everyone to agree, which makes this such a hard decision. Not thinking about the past is easier said than done. It'd be great if you could expand on why you think the holiday idea is a bad one.

AngelAine - Thanks for explaining your situation for comparison. But I don't understand how it compares to mine. (You have a past!) Would you still have stayed with him, if he was your first sexual relationship?

Corinthian - I like your point that I'll end up regretting something whatever I do. I don't understand what you mean when you say 'maturity tends to be a bit of a wet blanket where it comes to true love'?

Mishmish - I do love this person, but does that mean not taking advantage of the limited time we have 'living life to the full'? Why do you think I'm lucky with this predicament? I think there exists such a thing as 'too early'. Even though I was a late starter.

Tusky - Thank you for giving a well thought out and constructive opinion. </sarcastic>

Jimeatsmenu - If you can, I'd really appreciate more details about your sister's decision.

smiles - I might be just unsure, and just looking for reasons not to commit. Your sister's situation is similar, but I'm guessing that her boyfriend hadn't slept with anyone before her!

Beruthiel - Again, why do think I'm lucky?

Typedef - I know 2 are not a lot, but it's more than zero!

The Reaper - Could you elaborate on your situation, is it exactly the same?

Sico - To the best of my knowledge, a psychologist doesn't offer magic solutions or advice. They try to extract the answer from the client. I've been thinking about this for over 2 years, if I knew the answer I would have known by now.

Drifting Rain - Thanks for the optimism. Again, not thinking about the past is easier said than done.

thedrowner - Sounds like you're saying I should play with the cards I'm dealt. I might have to settle for that in the end.

HJ Simpson - It's possibly down to that fact that I want something I can't have. I'm not sure 'If you shag someone else that’s all its going to be "A SHAG"'. Since I'm a late starter, I might appreciate it more!

Darthmise - I would consider being divorced with kids after a 'mid-life crises', a major thing. I have to do everything I can
to ensure it couldn't happen!

Victor - I doubt I'm 'over dependant'. Why do you that I am?

Tazz T - If I were with someone else, I wouldn't necessarily be looking for a virgin to settle down with. I think finding the perfect partner might be harder, as I'm not the extravert type of person that I'd like to be. My girlfriend made the first move when we met.

Samson - True, I can't change the past, but that does not mean I should be happy with it!

logic1 - Could you elaborate on the 'reflecting bad feelings onto other relationships'?

Kell - According to your list, I have met the right girl. Each one is true. You're right, I'm pissed off at been a late starter. But that's no-ones fault but my own.

WhiteWashMan - Yes the sex is great, but that doesn't mean I’m not curious about what it would be like with other people!

THe_Bullman - I've been to amsterdam, but I wouldn't go near a prostitute with a ten-foot pole.

Spoofer - 'Make your choice and enjoy it' I have to be sure! It's too important to play down.

sjones - Could you elaborate how I'm not missing out on anything.

The thought had occured to me that I should go to amsterdam for a weekend, and pretend I slept with someone. And see how my girlfirend feels when I return. Any thoughts?

The Corinthian

Originally posted by tp129933
Corinthian - I like your point that I'll end up regretting something whatever I do. I don't understand what you mean when you say 'maturity tends to be a bit of a wet blanket where it comes to true love'

The older you get, the harder it is to "fall in love". It all becomes a bit more about companionship and less about fireworks. And so as you grow older and more set in your ways, it becomes much harder to tolerate others trying to change those ways.

Typedef

Typedef - I know 2 are not a lot, but it's more than zero!

It takes two to have good sex and two to have bad sex, if you enjoy the sex with your girlfriend and she does too, then that is what is important in the final analysis.

You could have had crap sex with lots of different chicks, or really great sex with just the one, because you are both attunded to each other.

The older you get, the harder it is to "fall in love".

Between the ages of 18 and 22, I would have discounted 'love' as a symptom of my adolescence.

However, I think I am still capable of love, because no matter how crass I try to be, I am still the same person I was when I was sixteen, I'm just at times, a little better at being vicous, snide and crass. Too much cynicism leads one to be an empty and bitter person, but, if you look around the world, it becomes obvious that, relationships 'do' work out for people sometimes.

Now do those relationships work because both parties are crass and cynical towards each other, or because both parties show love, affection, understanding and are prepaired to make allowences and sacrifices for each other?

It all becomes a bit more about companionship and less about fireworks.

I disagree, I couldn't be with a woman, just so I wouldn't be alone, I desire companionship, but, it 'has' to be with the right woman or the relationship is based on a desire not to be lonely, as opposed to a desire to be with someone you love.

If I desired companionship, maybe I'd get a budgie or a cat (ok, my cat loves me and I love her) but, to live with someone, I think, you have to love that person, where loves equals, you looking past their faults and putting that person on a pinnacle of sorts.

If you don't have any kind of inclining for someone, a flame, then that person simply can't ever be important enough for you to make the effort for them.

That said, I still live alone and I am still trying to convince my French girlfriend that it would be a good idea for us, to become, umm, more, permenantly acquainted.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by The Corinthian
The older you get, the harder it is to "fall in love". It all becomes a bit more about companionship and less about fireworks. And so as you grow older and more set in your ways, it becomes much harder to tolerate others trying to change those ways.

you know Corinthian I agree 100%! your standards become higher and your expections along with them, though I have to say, I still like to have some fireworks! Getting me to change my ways, as you put it, is mission impossible! and so to quote the great mr. george bush, you are either with me or against me!

Beruthiel - Again, why do think I'm lucky?

which is why tp129933 I said you were lucky!! you seem to have exactly what you are looking for, have you any idea how hard that is to find?? (except for one tiny problem which is a non-issue in the grand scheme of things imho)
be happy!