Marrying your first girlfriend HELP

Jim

my sister got engaged to her first ever boyfriend, they were goin out for 7 years, got engaged, moved in together, and a year and a half later she realised "this is the rest of my life", so she proptly dumped him. hope everythin works out

Jimmeh

Kell

Originally posted by Jimeatsmenu
my sister got engaged to her first ever boyfriend, they were goin out for 7 years, got engaged, moved in together, and a year and a half later she realised "this is the rest of my life", so she proptly dumped him. hope everythin works out

Jimmeh

Your words bring rays of sunshine to the world. More, more.

Cake Fiend

You're having doubts about your possible imminent marriage because of sex?

Do you have any psychologist friends you can talk to? :rolleyes:

The Reaper

jaysus man Marry her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im in the same situation but im gona marry her im proposing soon!
i no she will make me happy 4eva so ive made my mind up and its marrage 4 me and i strongly suggest the same 4 u!

tp129933

Originally posted by daveirl
quick question. Are you jealous just because she's been with other guys or do you want to have more than one relationship yourself. Or Both.

Good question..

I don't think I would be as preoccupied about having another relationship if she hadn't any previous relationships before me. Does that answer your question? I think "both" is the answer.

The thing is...
If we broke up, I "sowed my oats", and then we got back together. Would I have less of problem with her past? I don't know! Any opinions?

TP

Typedef

Two other blokes, isn't exactly, umm a lot.

Without causing offence, it seems the two of you are suited to each other.

I don't see what the issue really is to be honest, two lovers (only) before you is not important.

It's not a pissing contest for christ sake man.

Beruthiel

If we broke up, I "sowed my oats", and then we got back together. Would I have less of problem with her past? I don't know! Any opinions?

yup - if you got to sleep with other women this would become a non issue in my opinion, but I would also think that you will never get back to what you have now.
You know, if this is the only thing that is bothering you in your relationship then you should be thanking your lucky stars

smiles

Originally posted by Jimeatsmenu
my sister got engaged to her first ever boyfriend, they were goin out for 7 years, got engaged, moved in together, and a year and a half later she realised "this is the rest of my life", so she proptly dumped him. hope everythin works out

Jimmeh

Well it works for some people, my sister was going out with her first boyfriend (his first girlfriend) for 7 years, they got married and have been having a wonderful time for nearly 3 years now.

Look, from the sounds of it you're just sounding a little unsure, getting married is a big step and you're afraid that because you havent been with anyone else you dont know if it can be any better than it already is.

Simple fact, if you're happy and you don't fancy anyone else then don't worry about it. It's only when you fancy other people or when you're unhappy that you should think about quitting the relationship.

Obviously this girl is as crazy about you as you are about her, you don't feel like you're missing out, you're just afraid that you might be.

I'd say to stay where you are, you've already discussed the other possibilities with her, and you both think that it'll cause problems. I don't think shagging someone else (excuse the crudity) will make you feel better.

Good luck

<< Fio >>

Jim

hey i was just givin an example i know of. If ur sure you'll be happy with her then go for it, just make SURE ur sure.

i agree wit Beruthiel. If u have sex wit some1 else it will answer ur question completly, it might make u realise what uve got, o
r it might make u realise what ur missing

Tusky

man u have a problem , if she had done this DURING your relationship fine...or if she was a sluth ...but shes not...2 is nothing.... and shes with YOU now , be happy you have som1 :P

mishmish

I myself have only slept with the man I will be marrying. I have, however, had past relationships but sex never entered into them... my fiance, however, was not a virgin when we met and I did/and kinda still do have issues with that. I do share that when I first found out about it I would think about him having sexual relations with them, and it just made my insides churn and it was like it was an obsession of mine.. I couldn't not think about it. Time has helped heal it and the fact that I know this person is who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and we can't all envision who we're going to end up with to be able to filter out who we'll have sex with and who not. It just happens over time, with meeting knew people and finding that special someone. It really just comes down to love and realizing that instead of having meaningless sex with girl after girl, you've actually found that one person who can make the experience so much more meaningful and define mere sex as a sharing of intimacy with someone that matters so much to you and who you know loves and appreciates you just as much.

tp129933

Thanks for the post mishmish. It's sound almost identical except the roles are reversed.

I had the idea that my issues would fade away after time. But then, isn't that just cheating yourself! It would feel like I'm getting a (lack of a better word) "raw deal".

Above all else I don't want to wake up in 20 years realising I made the wrong decision. Marriage is for life full stop.

TP

mishmish

Yes, that's true. Marriage is a lifelong choice that you have to make and accept. If you're in any way doubtful, you either don't love this person enough to make the commitment and if you did do it you might be enticed to cheat and where would that get you? You need to ask yourself would you be willing to be faithful to this person, because if sex with other people is that important to you, then even being engaged is highly questionable... you need to decide what's more important to you.... If you *truly* love this person that much, would you not care about sleeping with anyone else but your one and only?

On one other far out tangent of a note: I feel many would consider it lucky and admirable that you found your true love so early in life...

The Corinthian

Originally posted by mishmish
you might be enticed to cheat and where would that get you?

Laid.

On one other far out tangent of a note: I feel many would consider it lucky and admirable that you found your true love so early in life...

Perhaps as many of us never do, maturity tends to be a bit of a wet blanket where it comes to true love.

On the other hand regret is quite indiscriminate - I’ve seen as much resentment and regret from the aging chaste and soul-mated as I have from the aging licentious and degenerate.

AngelAine

I'd just like to enlighten you to something. I'm only 20 but I am really happy in my long term relationship, to the point that i think he's the one. He has had previous partners, slept with a few girls, I have done the same (fellas in my case!). We both really wish that we had lost our virginity to each other but thats life, these things happen.

I used to think about the girls he shagged (and thats what it was....a good seeing to, making sure he came) and my stomach would churn but what I have with him he never had with anyone else and thats whats important.

I wish I didn't shag Mr. X and Mr. Y but I did. It meant nothing and they are not a patch on him. I'm sure thats how your girlfriend looks on her past. She probably has regrets, maybe she doesn't but I'm sure she never gives what happened in her a past a second thought.

Only recently I sat down with my boyfriend and we talked about our past....(shags) and it was funny. We know that what we have is special and nothing compares to that....

evie

Well, this certainly is an interesting thread! Many many different points of view!
I think that we need to get back to basics, the basics being: You are obviously in love with this girl and would do anything for her. She obviously feel the same way and demonstrates it by letting you go away on holidays to "sow you oats". (this btw is NOT a good idea!)
You both mean the world to each other and that is the main thing. I think somebody said this already but not many people have what you have. Don't ruin it by thinking about the past. What's done is done and you can't change that. Think about what you have now. You seem to think that you aren't worthy of her or something. Totally not true. She has proved you wrong by staying with you and (oh no I'm getting soppy) proclaiming her love for you, that's all that matters!

Please please think about what you have and not what other people HAD - had being the PAST participle of have!

good luck!

tp129933

I firstly like to thank everyone for taking the time posting, and giving their opinions. I needed some time to chew on some of the posts people made.

Evie - You're right. I wasn't expecting everyone to agree, which makes this such a hard decision. Not thinking about the past is easier said than done. It'd be great if you could expand on why you think the holiday idea is a bad one.

AngelAine - Thanks for explaining your situation for comparison. But I don't understand how it compares to mine. (You have a past!) Would you still have stayed with him, if he was your first sexual relationship?

Corinthian - I like your point that I'll end up regretting something whatever I do. I don't understand what you mean when you say 'maturity tends to be a bit of a wet blanket where it comes to true love'?

Mishmish - I do love this person, but does that mean not taking advantage of the limited time we have 'living life to the full'? Why do you think I'm lucky with this predicament? I think there exists such a thing as 'too early'. Even though I was a late starter.

Tusky - Thank you for giving a well thought out and constructive opinion. </sarcastic>

Jimeatsmenu - If you can, I'd really appreciate more details about your sister's decision.

smiles - I might be just unsure, and just looking for reasons not to commit. Your sister's situation is similar, but I'm guessing that her boyfriend hadn't slept with anyone before her!

Beruthiel - Again, why do think I'm lucky?

Typedef - I know 2 are not a lot, but it's more than zero!

The Reaper - Could you elaborate on your situation, is it exactly the same?

Sico - To the best of my knowledge, a psychologist doesn't offer magic solutions or advice. They try to extract the answer from the client. I've been thinking about this for over 2 years, if I knew the answer I would have known by now.

Drifting Rain - Thanks for the optimism. Again, not thinking about the past is easier said than done.

thedrowner - Sounds like you're saying I should play with the cards I'm dealt. I might have to settle for that in the end.

HJ Simpson - It's possibly down to that fact that I want something I can't have. I'm not sure 'If you shag someone else that’s all its going to be "A SHAG"'. Since I'm a late starter, I might appreciate it more!

Darthmise - I would consider being divorced with kids after a 'mid-life crises', a major thing. I have to do everything I can
to ensure it couldn't happen!

Victor - I doubt I'm 'over dependant'. Why do you that I am?

Tazz T - If I were with someone else, I wouldn't necessarily be looking for a virgin to settle down with. I think finding the perfect partner might be harder, as I'm not the extravert type of person that I'd like to be. My girlfriend made the first move when we met.

Samson - True, I can't change the past, but that does not mean I should be happy with it!

logic1 - Could you elaborate on the 'reflecting bad feelings onto other relationships'?

Kell - According to your list, I have met the right girl. Each one is true. You're right, I'm pissed off at been a late starter. But that's no-ones fault but my own.

WhiteWashMan - Yes the sex is great, but that doesn't mean I’m not curious about what it would be like with other people!

THe_Bullman - I've been to amsterdam, but I wouldn't go near a prostitute with a ten-foot pole.

Spoofer - 'Make your choice and enjoy it' I have to be sure! It's too important to play down.

sjones - Could you elaborate how I'm not missing out on anything.

The thought had occured to me that I should go to amsterdam for a weekend, and pretend I slept with someone. And see how my girlfirend feels when I return. Any thoughts?

The Corinthian

Originally posted by tp129933
Corinthian - I like your point that I'll end up regretting something whatever I do. I don't understand what you mean when you say 'maturity tends to be a bit of a wet blanket where it comes to true love'

The older you get, the harder it is to "fall in love". It all becomes a bit more about companionship and less about fireworks. And so as you grow older and more set in your ways, it becomes much harder to tolerate others trying to change those ways.

Typedef

Typedef - I know 2 are not a lot, but it's more than zero!

It takes two to have good sex and two to have bad sex, if you enjoy the sex with your girlfriend and she does too, then that is what is important in the final analysis.

You could have had crap sex with lots of different chicks, or really great sex with just the one, because you are both attunded to each other.

The older you get, the harder it is to "fall in love".

Between the ages of 18 and 22, I would have discounted 'love' as a symptom of my adolescence.

However, I think I am still capable of love, because no matter how crass I try to be, I am still the same person I was when I was sixteen, I'm just at times, a little better at being vicous, snide and crass. Too much cynicism leads one to be an empty and bitter person, but, if you look around the world, it becomes obvious that, relationships 'do' work out for people sometimes.

Now do those relationships work because both parties are crass and cynical towards each other, or because both parties show love, affection, understanding and are prepaired to make allowences and sacrifices for each other?

It all becomes a bit more about companionship and less about fireworks.

I disagree, I couldn't be with a woman, just so I wouldn't be alone, I desire companionship, but, it 'has' to be with the right woman or the relationship is based on a desire not to be lonely, as opposed to a desire to be with someone you love.

If I desired companionship, maybe I'd get a budgie or a cat (ok, my cat loves me and I love her) but, to live with someone, I think, you have to love that person, where loves equals, you looking past their faults and putting that person on a pinnacle of sorts.

If you don't have any kind of inclining for someone, a flame, then that person simply can't ever be important enough for you to make the effort for them.

That said, I still live alone and I am still trying to convince my French girlfriend that it would be a good idea for us, to become, umm, more, permenantly acquainted.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by The Corinthian
The older you get, the harder it is to "fall in love". It all becomes a bit more about companionship and less about fireworks. And so as you grow older and more set in your ways, it becomes much harder to tolerate others trying to change those ways.

you know Corinthian I agree 100%! your standards become higher and your expections along with them, though I have to say, I still like to have some fireworks! Getting me to change my ways, as you put it, is mission impossible! and so to quote the great mr. george bush, you are either with me or against me!

Beruthiel - Again, why do think I'm lucky?

which is why tp129933 I said you were lucky!! you seem to have exactly what you are looking for, have you any idea how hard that is to find?? (except for one tiny problem which is a non-issue in the grand scheme of things imho)
be happy!

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Typedef
I disagree, I couldn't be with a woman, just so I wouldn't be alone, I desire companionship, but, it 'has' to be with the right woman or the relationship is based on a desire not to be lonely, as opposed to a desire to be with someone you love.

I don't want to point the finger and laugh at you Typie, but what age are you, given that you know all about how relationships evolve with age?

Beruthiel

Originally posted by The Corinthian
given that you know all about how relationships evolve with age?

I bet I'd be up there as one of the longest, 13 years! not too many fireworks by the time that one finished!!

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Beruthiel
I still like to have some fireworks!

That's what affairs are for.

you are either with me or against me!

And what will you be against at the time..?

Typedef

Originally posted by The Corinthian
I don't want to point the finger and laugh at you Typie, but what age are you, given that you know all about how relationships evolve with age?

Umm, well.

My father and mother broke up when I was 1.

Got a divorce and an annulment when I was 8.

My father remarried when I was 10 and I have a half brother and sister, by my father's second marriage.

For roughly the years between when I was 10 and 21, relations between myself and my paternal family were such that I didn't see my younger brother between the ages of 1 1/2 and 12 and my younger sister 'ever' until she was 10.

Since you ask I'm twenty three and despite the wierd circumstances that my progenitors have vis-a-vis marriage, it hasn't jaded me to the extent that I think 'all' relationships are doomed to failure.

I can still love people and desire relations with them, even though, one might think, that is about the last thing someone like me would 'ever' desire, given the cautionary lessons one might choose to read into my familial history.

Life is a diverse thing and many things are possible, one man's milk and tea is another man's misery and all that.

So, I'd say I have a fairly , umm, unique perspective on how relationships evolve over time and still, despite the fact that my own family's circumstances might be considered to be a nightmare scenario by many, if not most people, such history doesn't preclude me from believing that two people can accomodate and love for 'most' of their lives.

Perhaps, I'm just ignoring the reality of life as it has presented itself to me over the years (ie since I can remember), but, then I think of many of my friend's parents who have been happily married for thirty years or more and I realise that, my own familial experience is simply 'one' possible nexus as opposed the the predetermined terminal point, in some etheral fatalistic relationship paradigm.

Basically.

kaimera

The thought had occured to me that I should go to amsterdam for a weekend, and pretend I slept with someone. And see how my girlfirend feels when I return. Any thoughts?

riightt...you go stirrin' **** for yourself. I'm sure you can just tell her "ah yea, only joking"

Let it go.
I've been in a similar situation recently w/my own g/f and her last b/f.
I hated him for everything he did to her and wished I could go back and change it but I couldn't.

The thoughts of what he had done was a thorn in my side and at time even affected how I was when I was *with* her.

Came to a head one day in the car. Almost ripped the handle off the door my blood was boiling so much and the hatred was unbearable.

She calmed me down and by the time we got home...[it was a 2 1/2 hr journey], I was fine.

Believe me, accepting that she is your's now and nobody else's is the easist thing you can do.

Either that or go and kick 7 shades outta the other 2 guys.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Typedef
So, I'd say I have a fairly , umm, unique perspective on how relationships evolve over

Yes, quite unique. And special. Just like everyone else.

I’m touched that you’ve not been embittered by your experiences of other peoples relationships, but that hardly gives you an understanding of how we perceive relationships as we grow older.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

AngelAine

TP...

Haven't been on in a while but in reply to your question...

If he was my first sexual partner etc would I stay with him?
Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough but I wish he was the only person I was ever with. There really isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I hadn't lost my virginity to him.
I can understand that because your girlfriend had a past so to speak you feel like you've missed out on something. Perhaps talk to her and find out if it really lives up to what you have built it to be...

evie

Originally posted by tp129933

The thought had occured to me that I should go to amsterdam for a weekend, and pretend I slept with someone. And see how my girlfirend feels when I return. Any thoughts? [/B]

Lies lies and more lies! If anything you're making it worse by not telling her the truth (in my opinion). A relationship involves a lot of honesty and clearly is something you take for granted. I hate preaching and giving out but if you want to make things worse you're going the right way about it. Be honest with her, if you sleep with somebody in Amsterdam well and good, but don't lie about it. If she loves you she'll respect you way more for telling the truth!

About the holiday not being a good idea, I think that if you love somebody you're with them and not anybody else, you don't need to test other waters. But thats just me!

Typedef

Originally posted by The Corinthian
Yes, quite unique. And special. Just like everyone else.

I’m touched that you’ve not been embittered by your experiences of other peoples relationships, but that hardly gives you an understanding of how we perceive relationships as we grow older.

Bah, psuedo-cynicism aside, if you were so right about relationships being founded on the principal of companionship as opposed to love in 'all' instances, then it would be highly unlikely this chap would be getting married to his first girlfriend now, would it?

I'll expand on that point. Getting married to your first girlfriend, after dating her for a few years, doesn't imply you fear being alone, more, you have found a partner you wish to share your life with, which is, hopefully what marriage is all about.

If I don't want to feel alone, I'll get a goldfish or a dog, not a wife. When I court a woman, it is not because I fear being alone, but, because I either love her, or think that given the right set of circumstances I 'could' grow to love her and she me.

Plain and simple.