Open Letter Regarding Gang Warfare In Limerick

Mr E

Totally tongue in cheek, but well written!

Dear Independent,

I do not buy your newspaper, in fact i think it is ****, but I have to agree with your recent assessment of the Limerick gang wars.

I was born in Cork, but brought up in Moyross, one of the most notorious wastelands in Europe (weekly mortality rate 34%, apparently). According to a recent study by "The Weekly World News", it is the third most likely place in the world where you could be the victim of an alien abduction. The same article, on which you clearly base most of your information, states that "one council estate in limerick has a nuclear arsenal surpassing that of the US, Russia, and the UK combined."

There is no question that the recent gang wars are a prelude to something greater. On the grapevine (obviously the same one as you lot are on), I have heard that one of the rival factions has a 40km2 training camp in a secret location near Fedamore. In addition, two members of the St Mary's Park gang recently visited Kazakstan and swapped 75 tons of cocaine for three nuclear warheads and a jar of smallpox.

If I were you, I would definitely print this tomorrow in your newspaper, it's a hot story, nearly as hot as the stuff that was in it today! Of course, some of the gangs, such as the one who abducted the two brothers last week, do this purely at random. According to one report from a Web Site that is about as reputable as your newspaper, the same gang abducted 3,748 Limerick residents from their homes last week, 1,211 of whom are still missing. The Limerick authorities have contrived to keep this quiet, frightened of the "bad press". This is inexcusable when newspapers as impartial as yourselves can be relied upon to report "the action" as it happens as reliably as possible.

You may think that my bitterness toward Limerick is unwarranted, but my personal story will prove otherwise. Having lived in Moyross for 16 years, it is hard to remember a week in which I was not stabbed, shot, or lost a loved one. From an early age, balaclava-wearing, medallion- loving gang members roam the streets, murdering, pillaging, looting. Then they go home and eat their dinner before organizing a few drive-by shootings that evening.

In one week in early 1997, I was shot five times in one day - twice in "the Lobster Pot" (that's a fast food restaurant, not a part of my body). It is because of this that plans are afoot to give free "woundcare" to everyone within fifteen miles of Limerick.

I suggest you go to any hardware store in Limerick and ask them what their weekly turnover on knife sales is. Then, make up a figure that suits your story... Let's say $23.5 million (always sounds more credible in dollars, doesn't it?). Then, throw in a few Libyan guerrillas, those two leading Palestine separatists who are currently in Ireland, and mention the REAL IRA a few times (everyone in Limerick is a member of the real IRA, you can even put in a special paragraph about gang members getting discounts in local Chinese restaurants, but you probably knew that already), and bingo, it's a story. Don't forget to add in the most important keywords though, namely "local", "knife", "Southill", "Prospect", "St Mary's Park area", "Moyross", "gun", and my personal favourite (well, i'm cheating here because it's an expression), "city cordoned off".

Limerick is clearly on the brink of extinction. I have only touched the surface... I can't say anymore because I am writing this letter from an Internet Café and I have to be home before dark (Police curfew, 5:30 p.m).