jokes that will make you cringe

Rabies

some really bad jokes here. have heard a few of them before others are new.
they might be bad but i still got a laugh out of them.




1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find
any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat
it too.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc
says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff....boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round. The
other
one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.

domeara01

For not abiding by the charter, I have been banned for a week

Oeneus

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round. The
other
one says, "So are you, you fat **!$!"

Ah now. If that happened in real life I'd probably piss myself.

memphis

Rabies man, you really need to get out more!!!

tribble

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he'scross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy

the first few are class


b

Pugsley

A good wee collection of jokes you got there, keep em coming

Auburn

They'd be what I call "dad" jokes - you know, those embarrassing ones they tell to try and act all funny n' stuff when friends call over to the house. *Cringe*

ozt9vdujny3srf

those jokes are not embarrssing

they are classy, pld tbh :P

Gordon

Heh, yeah they're funny! 4 stars from me!

I guess I will be one of those "Dads" although heaven forbid that be soon.

ozpass

Quality jokes!

BTW, the last one:

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Whilst not being my joke (I heard it from a friend) is the exact wording I posted to this very board about 5 months back.

Where did you get it from? It's be cool if someone copied it from boards and it went via 3000 people in an email b4 returning here some time later.

kamobe

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

rofl

dragon heart

a man was found dead in a bowl of corn flakes police think it was a cereal killer!!!

SoundWave

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

aah. i love it