advice RE parents

paniniter

advice please:
for the past five years my parents have been splitting up.
they sat us kids down on many occasions to tell us that they were going on 'trial separations' etc.
these caused tearful speeches by my mother and ended in shouting matches. trial separation never happened.
My mother is now a recovered alcoholic after being a15 year episode, but this has changed little.
My dad works too hard. My mother is constantly bad-mouthing him at me.
I'm studying for my leaving and dont need this.
I think they're planning to break it off (finally) after june.

i'm really annoyed that it wasn't just finished 5 years ago, instead of dragging it on. that just isn't fair on the children.
i havn't told even my closest friends about my family situation.
how do i let them know when it finally does happen?
what will happen to me then. should i move in to an apartment for college or stick with one of my parents?

i'd like to hear from you if you've gone through any situation like this yourself

Doodee

well, u have to look at it this way,
what will happen to your mother if you move out?
will her problem get worse or better.

Also, do remember that its your life, not theirs, so what ever makes you more comfortable.

Mossy Monk

Originally posted by paniniter
i havn't told even my closest friends about my family situation.
how do i let them know when it finally does happen?

does it really matter how you tell them. it's not as if you will be treated any different

it must be a real pain for you though but as Doodee said, it is your life, not theirs. do what you think is best for you

Beruthiel

i'm really annoyed that it wasn't just finished 5 years ago, instead of dragging it on. that just isn't fair on the children

ok paniniter, first off, it probably took 5 years for this to happen because it's such a big decision and changes everything and they (despite what you might think) tried to do what was best for the children.

how do i let them know when it finally does happen?

if you consider them to be good friends then they will support you and help you through this, they may even help you to feel better.

what will happen to me then. should i move in to an apartment for college or stick with one of my parents?

at this stage you are old enough to do what you want, but I would say to you, to just concentrate on your leaving cert, leave your parents to work out what it is they want to do and then afterwards, decide for yourself where you want to live. When I split from my daughters father, all I wanted from her was to be happy. What I'm trying to say here is, don't be thinking 'I should stay with parent X because they will be in more need of me'. Do what is right for you. It will be rough for a few months, but after it's all sorted things will get back to some sort of normality and with luck your parents will be happier people, therefore so will you.
chin up and good luck.
PM me if you need to.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by paniniter
what will happen to me then. should i move in to an apartment for college or stick with one of my parents?

You are being thrust into fending for yourself (or at the very least to make provisions thereof) a little sooner than you would have felt comfortable with and I can empathise with that. Well, understand it anyway.

In my opinion, your best course of action is to play one off the other in such a manner as to get yourself the best deal, vis a vi financial security, for the next few years - in particular if you are looking to go to college after your Leaving Cert (it is highly unlikely, however, that your parents are going to cut you loose). Fortunately, even if and after they break up, the badmouthing and politics is likely to continue as they each try to vie for the affection of their children and this will make your position more advantageous. Live with both of them as much as possible - Not taking sides will mean that you will be in a more flexible position to take advantage of the situation.

Regardless of what happens, your current family situation is not financially stable for you in the long run, so you should consider following a two to five year plan where you can be fully self-sufficient at the end of that period.

Your primary concern is your own financial security in the next few years. As difficult as it may be, it is important that you do not allow emotional issues to cloud your judgment with regard to this. In short, God looks after those who look after themselves.

jonno

Originally posted by paniniter

i havn't told even my closest friends about my family situation.
how do i let them know when it finally does happen?

Like the others have said, if they are good friends they will and should support you through any difficult times. So you don't need to worry about that IMO.

Originally posted by paniniter
what will happen to me then. should i move in to an apartment for college or stick with one of my parents?

I think at that stage you should do what you think is best yourself. I say if you want to move out do but make sure you keep in contact with both parents. Deep down you probably won't want to lose touch with them anyway no matter what they put you through.

Typedef

Screw em both.

Live your own life. In fact, realise that for parent (x) you are a piece of ammunition to use against parent (y) in situation (q).

See initially the relationship betwixt your parents was based on just what was between them. Then you & siblings showed up, and one parent invariably (I'd probably rightly assume) started using you as an excuse or crutch to sustain a flagging relationship.

In bygone times, when women couldn't work and men wouldn't take care of children, there was gravitas to the argument that famalies 'had' to stay together because of children.

I think that argument is defunct, certainly, my own parents didn't adhere to that particular paradigm and split up when I was just eighteen months old.

Bottom line, you can, will and have been a pawn played by one parent against the other, in order to extract from the other, whatever that person required, it happens all the time, but, in the final analysis, I think, that using 'kids' as a reason to stay together is simply a convienent crutch for some couples.

what will happen to me then. should i move in to an apartment for college or stick with one of my parents?

My advice, for whatever it's worth, is exploit your parents for money, they have certainly heaped enough hassel onto you and your siblings, so I would be quite mercinary about making sure 'I' was taken care of.

Guilt them into paying or at least part subsidising your own place for you. Even if there is no money forthcoming, don't stay with one over the other, move in with your girlfriend for Christ sake.

You owe your parents nothing, considering what has happened to you, I, for one, would grill the bastards for every cent they were worth.

Yes that is exploitation, but, let's face it, your parents have used the kids against each other to exploit each other, so, exploitation is best in kind, a game for all the family.

bug

I sympathise with your situation, can I ask how things are at the moment? Is it difficult to study? My advice to you is to take one step at a time. For the moment concentrate on your exams. You've been dealing with this for a long time and its time to just concentrate on whats best for you. Do you have any Aunts/Uncles relations that live near you, perhaps you could study in their houses if the situation at home is affecting you that much. You said that your parents are splitting up in June - is this after your leaving cert? I would say for the moment concentrate on the leaving, worry about where your going after that. I'm sure your Father will make sure your ok one way or another, but if your worried try and ask him or try to approach the situation with him. It may take a load off and allow you to study.

WhiteWashMan

been through it.

best thing is to dont take sides.
dont let them bad mouth each other to you. tell them both you are not interested in hearing about it. you will judge each parent on their actions to you and not to each other, and just keep an good relationship with both.
be supportive. although you have your own worries etc, remember, your parents lives and world are falling down around their ears, and having you have a go at them will not help anyone at all.

and finally, you will just have to accept the situation.
and you should tell your friends. its not as if they are going to laugh at you!
it happens all the time, and to be honest, the more you talk about it, the more you discuss, the more you come to accpet it and the less it will hurt. the more you can explain, the more you will understand.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Typedef
In fact, realise that for parent (x) you are a piece of ammunition to use against parent (y) in situation (q).

oh typie that's terrible, I do agree that some parents will do this, but not all. I believe parents who truely care about their kids will put their differences aside when it comes to the child and the decisions which need to be made.
I do agree with the fact that you owe your parents nothing, except respect if they deserve it.

thedrowner

when i was 14 my mum told me she and dad were splitting and she confided a lot of things to me about the marriage and stuff and it got to me a lot. she even had another boyfriend and dad was moving out....but then they decided to give things another go, and theyre still together now.

i remember feling awful about it at the itme, but it's all past now. my brothers never even knew it had happened, (bar my older one) and i never told anyone so it was kind of hard knowing it all on my own, and i do regret letting my mom talk to me about stuff coz it upset me more than i said it would.

you do have to support their decision,and be there for them, but also look after yourself too.m if it was me, i'd have a word with your mum about her badmouthing your dad in front of you-its not fair, she has no right to bring her issues with your dad upon yourself, in my opinion, if it's a question of them just not getting along anymore, coz he is your dad at the end of the day, and you don't need her to be making out that he's 'this nasty person' if she has a grudge against him, you need to know that they both love you, even if they can't get along anymore.

paniniter

Thanks a million to everyone that posted. This thread was the best idea i've ever had, and gave me the best advice i've ever recieved.

Bug - yes that'll be after the leaving. the situation is 'on hold' at the moment.

Typie - right about the ammuntion, but i don't think playing them off against each other is the right thing to do, especially for financial gain.

Drowner - good advice about letting them tell you about stuff, i only wish i'd recieved it a few years ago. i used to strain to hear what their arguements were about, in an effort to understand, but that just messes with your head. it's definitely best to turn the music up louder.

Jonno - whta does IMO mean?

Big Chief

"IMO = In My Opinion"

azezil

My parents went through the same thing just recently, they seem to be back together now but still a lot of unresolved issues.

Whether your mother is aware of it or not what she is doing is a form of abuse, my mother did the same thing, myself and my siblings stood up to her told her we were sick of listening to her bitch on about our father and it worked out for the best. She went to see a psychiatrist and is doing a whole lot better now. You should do the same, it will undoubtedly be rough and may irrupt into a highly charged emotional situation but its unfair to burden you with these matters. You should advise she consult her local GP who can put her in contact with a psychiatrist.