Life tips

Rabies

some funny ones in this....
not sure if posted before....

---

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in
the first place, you fat bastards.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coathanger in an emergency.

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong
name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.


25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB
digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights
in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy
of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Pompey Magnus

lol , love it

SoundWave

heard some b4 but very good

hells angels

never heard any of them be4 and there all class!!:D

Tyrrial

pretty crazy stuff!

JohnK

lol
very good

Saruman

Excellent stuff there... so much so they had to be emailed around the office!

pinkpig

brilliant except

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

People will try that. not nice.

tman

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

lol, i can remember most of the other ones, but i'm pretty sure i havn't seen these 2 before. good stuff

Gordon

Read all those in Viz "magazine".

honeymonster

funny stuffs

Acidflash

brilliant

Sangre

Originally posted by Rabies
some funny ones in this....
not sure if posted before....

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold
Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

.

LoL that one took a while to click
Maybe Im not dirty enough

bozzie

lol
class stuff

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

had that happen to me a few times

NeoSlicerZ

lol , excellent stuff

Jes'Shout!

......."6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall."

Why didn't I think of this before!!!!! Now, between #6 & #31,
I should save enough money to be able to take a world-wide trip by the end of the year!

Epitaph

LMAO @ #30!

D nominater

What does LMAO mean?

BioHazRd

Originally posted by D nominater
What does LMAO mean?

Laughed (ing) My @rse Off

Other popular acronyms in use here (and elsewhere) are :

LOL = Laugh Out Loud
ROFL = Rolling On Floor Laughing
ROFLMAO = Rolling On Floor Laughing My @rse Off
OMG = Oh My God
TBH = To Be Honest
BTW = By The Way
IMO = In My Opinion

More info can be found in the Newbie FAQ here

Bio

exiztone

That was class A schiesse!
Loved it

Joriain

ya thats it read them in VIZ b4!