How easy is it to find stable same sex relationships?

swiss

I've been wondering about this for a while, based on the testimonies of quite a lot of gay people I've met both online and IRL. I've found that although some gay people don't find it particularly difficult to just meet people for one night stands or whatever, they find it difficult (or communsurately more difficult than straight people) to click with people on a more emotional level.

For example, I know a lot more straight couples in the boyfriend/girlfriend mould than I do boyfriend/boyfriend or girlfriend/girlfriend couples. Obviously there are exceptions, but in general I find that guys in particular have difficulty sustaining long term relationships.

Is it that gay people tend to have more difficutly finding other gay people, especially given the negative attitudes about homosexuality that still pervade Irish culture. Or is it perhaps because gay people tend to idealise about their potential partners, having requirements that tend to be unrealistic?

Dawg

Interesting topic. I've often thought about this, but have never come to any solid conclusions. A few thoughts tho...

Straight couples can integrate into family life with relative ease. Partners can be introduced to the family without any major concerns whereas bringing a same-sex partner back to meet your family can be a lot more difficult. Whilst family members may accept that a member of their family is gay, there can still be a lot of uncomfortable feelings when actually faced with it. For these reasons I believe a lot of gay couples dont have the same relationships with family as hetro couples may have and can be more isolated.

Also straight couples have the option of settling down, getting married and starting a family of their own. The roles and responsibilities of the couple change over time, as do their needs, possibly strengthening the relationship. This obviously doesn't come into play with same-sex couples here. Maybe this leads to people becoming bored with a relationship and looking for something more elsewhere, and finding one night stands is never that difficult.

Then of course there is the difficulty in actually meeting people that aren't just looking for a quickie. Gays have much more restricted opportunities to actually meet and get to know people. With all the negative attitudes in this country it can be very difficult to approach someone if your not sure they are aslo gay. You never know what their reaction will be.

yellum

Probably a few reasons.

Homosexuals are a minority. 5-10% of the population we're told. So therefore the catchment area is a bit smaller, so the choice we have is more limited than heterosexuals. Meeting someone is tougher that way, meeting someone then who has the same interests and who you will like is going to be a lot harder than heterosexuals , generally anyway.

Clicking on an emotional level is probably frightening for people as they'll probably have a fear of showing affection for their same sex partner in public. The fear of homophobia makes people fridgid in public and this switch sometimes can't be turned off when in private so being affectionate is harder sometimes for gay people and establishing a relationship a bit more difficult.

Lets not forget though that guys are sex machines. We are bred by nature for reproducing. We have sex drives and I notice that gay men seem to have higher ones. A lot of guys do not want relationships ( maybe through fear or maybe cos a relationship would be restrictive). Theres plenty of opportunities for gay men to meet someone just for sex. This happens quite a bit.

Its many mens fantasies to **** everything in sight and being gay this opportunity is there. Kid in a candy store. A relationship would restrict many that want to go and shag anything that takes their fancy on a particular night out.

I wonder how many straight men would commit to a relationship if they knew that they'd be able to have sex with a different person every night without doing much ground work. I mean, walk into some gay bars, have a guy smile at you and ding ding ding YOU HAVE PULLED.

Relationships take work, some peoples attitudes are - "why do all this work when at the end of the day you can still get your hole by doing nothing but being available"

I've noticed that a lot of gay men want to have fun for a few years when they first come out and then as they sexually mature they want something more permanent and begin talking about "settling down". I know quite a few people now in their mid twenties that would like to settle down with someone. Finding that person is hard since people come out at diff stages and so could be just starting their **** everyone in sight phase at 25 or 28 or whatever.

swiss

I agree with some of your points yellum, but some of them are equally applicable to heterosexuals. For example a lot of (heterosexual guys) have the same fear of committment as homosexuals, often for the same reasons that you have cited. They may not have to fear public scorn, but it may be sometimes easier for them to 'score', in so far as there are "more fish in the sea" so to speak, guys are still guys, and the same temptation to score every night with different people would therefore be even greater for the straight men, and hence would reduce the chance of them forming a stable monogamous relationship.

I must agree though, when you say that the level of promiscuity amongst homosexuals is generally higher than that of the general population. I've tried making personal rules that stipulate how I should and should not act and what I should or should not do the first time I meet someone. I must admit that after a few pints though, if a rather handsome chap is flattering me my resolve seems to waive on those 'rules'.

I have to say though, that given the option, most guys would probably prefer a stable relationship than a string of one night stands IMO. I know I would, not only from an emotional point of view, but also from the rather pragmatic position that STD's are higher amongst the homosexual community, and any steps taken to lower those incidence rates are welcome, including good old fashioned monogamous medium to long term relationships.

RedOpalFruit

Originally posted by swiss
I agree with some of your points yellum, but some of them are equally applicable to heterosexuals. For example a lot of (heterosexual guys) have the same fear of committment as homosexuals, often for the same reasons that you have cited. They may not have to fear public scorn, but it may be sometimes easier for them to 'score', in so far as there are "more fish in the sea" so to speak, guys are still guys, and the same temptation to score every night with different people would therefore be even greater for the straight men, and hence would reduce the chance of them forming a stable monogamous relationship.

Yes, the same fears of committment are there for straight guys, but hey, you take 2 gay guys and you've got the potential for double the trouble.

I must agree though, when you say that the level of promiscuity amongst homosexuals is generally higher than that of the general population. I've tried making personal rules that stipulate how I should and should not act and what I should or should not do the first time I meet someone. I must admit that after a few pints though, if a rather handsome chap is flattering me my resolve seems to waive on those 'rules'.

I have to say though, that given the option, most guys would probably prefer a stable relationship than a string of one night stands IMO. I know I would, not only from an emotional point of view, but also from the rather pragmatic position that STD's are higher amongst the homosexual community, and any steps taken to lower those incidence rates are welcome, including good old fashioned monogamous medium to long term relationships.

I dunno, perhaps they'd prefer a long/medium term relationship for a while, but then the whole thrill of getting more and more sex kicks in and it gets messy. Literally

Question: What's a long term relationship? (for a gay couple)

Question: What's a long term relationship? (for a straight couple)

I'd agree, I would infinately prefer a long term relationship, but I know people who never seem to go past 4 weeks or thereabouts, so it's not for everyone.

swiss

Question: What's a long term relationship? (for a gay couple)

Question: What's a long term relationship? (for a straight couple)

Well, technically what would be considered "long term" depends on the person. For some people the only long term relationship would be in fact a lifelong relationship, marraige etc. For some people anything longer than a month would be considered long term! However, I accept your point (and it is similar to the one I was making) that long term relationships are harder to maintain, and hence don't seem to be as "long" amongst homosexual couples. I guess we don't want to saddle ourselves with committment and wait until we're older before we grab (literally) the last ride out of the station .

STaN

I would agree with most of what yellum has said, espeically from my personal attitude and experience.

I am the only 1 of any gay guys that i have met that has had a relationship lasting longer than a year.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. Now, I loved the guy and could have easily have gone out with him for another 2 years and probably longer!

So why break it off? I felt restricted. My reasoning was that i am only young and am relatively new to the scene and know very little gay guys. I wouldn't have cheated on him, but if i had gone out with him for my whole prime, i would have not have had the chance to meet new people and possibly form allot of new friendships and possibly another relationship which is what i feel deep down that i want.

At least i will have the chance to try. For me to only be with my ex while he as already done his experimenting and decided what he wants would give me immense self doubt. I would prefer to be on the same level as my boyfriend in terms of experience or at least feeling confident that i have made the right choice.

I wouldn't personally jump at the chance for a string of one night stands, and it's not something i have done so far.

I am lucky in that i have had a long term relationship in the past and i hope that maybe in a year or two i will be in the same situation, whether that be with the same person or some1 else.