Men as friends when your female

LegacyUser

Hey,

This is really getting me upset.

Every male friend I have (dont really have any female friends, too bitchy in my opinion) appears to be "falling in love with me". One "friend" is making me very uncomfortable. He acts like a child when we are out together and if I give any other guy any more attention than him he goes off in a huff. He told me about how he felt for me about a year ago and I thought we had talked it out and everything was fine but it appears it isnt. Iv been cooling our friendship off and im starting to feel very lonely. Why couldnt he just understand we were ever only going to be friends???

A guy that Im living with is also making me very uncomfortble. As far as he is concerned Im the perfect girl and he is starting to get too close for comfort. He isnt doing anything terrible but I have this awful feeling I know where this is going and things could get very awkward.

I feel so isolated at the moment with no one to talk to and I cant even act the way I normally would around my friends. Its all very flattering but I just dont want to have to deal with it anymore. I want friends not boyfriends.

Typedef

Reality check unreg.

Men and women are never 'just friends', because sex, supercedes friendship and to be honest the only people who suffer from the delusion that men and women are ever 'just friends' are women.

Female's suffer from the delusion that men & women can be friends, but, since, for the most part, men don't subscribe to the notion of men and women being just friends, that negates the proposition of men and women just being friends.

If you see where I'm going with this.

Men agree to be 'friends' with women they are amoursely interested in because, deep down, said man, hopes one day, to get together with the girl who is supposed to be 'just his friend'.

Women desire this too, but, men being men and women being women, it is invariably the man who tries to break the ice.

Thus since if one is honest, friendship between men and women, is simply a euphamism for a potential lover you haven't made serious advances on, it is easily stated that men and women just can't be 'friends'. Been there, done that, been proved wrong time and time again, human nature always gets in the way.

qed.

Lemming

Eh .. speak for yourself there Type. I've friends that are female, and are, well ... friends.

Hell, even some of my ex's are friends. SO I think you're being alittle too general with the generalisations.

hussey

Typedef : Wrong .. I've plenty of females friends who I dont see a somekind of sex object

Beruthiel

Men and women are never 'just friends'

I'd hate to think that was true Typie
surely it is possible that you have at least one girl who is a friend only?
I would hate to think that what you say is 100% true, I have friends who are blokes and would never in a million years see them as anything other than just mates.
would it not enrich your life to have both male and females as friends?

dont really have any female friends, too bitchy in my opinion

I hear ya, though all I can say is, if your male friends are seeing you in other ways apart from mates, it is, I'm afraid, time to move on and give them some space.

Typedef

Ok : So maybe you lot think I'm being a masogonist, if I am so wrong then why does unreg say this.

Every male friend I have (dont really have any female friends, too bitchy in my opinion) appears to be "falling in love with me".

Hello.

Lemming

That's her perception. Perhaps she's misinterpretting things. Perhaps she's got "the wrong friends" (if you follow my meaning).

But to say that her statement is indicitave of male/female relationships is a little naive(IMO) Typie

Well, perhaps not "naive" but of little faith or some such better way of phrasing it.

Typedef

Perhaps it's a little bit dishonest to suggest that there is 'no' tacit sexual tension between you and your female 'friends'.

I've had plenty of 'friends', where one or the other wanted more then just friendship at some stage.

Perhaps unreg has just encountered a weird phonema of cases where males fit the paradigm of men and women, not being friends.

Anyway..... I don't think I'll be getting much agreement on this one anytime soon, except of course from unreg, maybe.

haha

Lemming

Originally posted by Typedef
Perhaps it's a little bit dishonest to suggest that there is 'no' tacit sexual tension between you and your female 'friends'.

Well, no actually. If you can believe that? And they're not my 'friends'. They're just friends No different to male friends. Except they have boobies

Typedef

Well, no actually.

Ye stud.

qed.

yossarin

unreg - do you think that maybe there is somthing in your mannerisms that might lead these guys into making wrong assumptions ?
for instance, i have a friend that is very tactile, and this has lead most guys she knows into wondering what her intentions are at some point or another. Female flirting is an unfathomable set of rules and signals to us males, so its often hard to know what is happening..

friendship is a dynamic thing. I certainly have female friends that i may have found attractive at some point but no longer do, as well as female friends that i never found attractive. Friendships change all the time, but this doesn't mean that they have to change into sexual ones. Its just that blokes think about sex *all the time* so we're biased that way...

also, what age are you ? I think (but only being youngish* myself dont know) that this sort of thing doesn't last as you get older.

*no longer in the first bloom of youth maybe the second.


edit:
ps: far too bitchy - all of them ?

The Corinthian

Unreg - what age are you and your "friends"?

I say that because it is difficult for men to be just friends when younger. As we grow older and (hormonally) calm down, we don't have too many problems with purely platonic relationships.

[edit]Wondering what it would be like to shag your platonic female friend will still pop into your mind from time to time, though, in fairness[/edit]

LegacyUser

Typedef, If what you say is true then what do I do? Have no friends? Friends mean the world to me and I dont know what Id do without them.

yosarin, there isn't anything in my mannerisms. I just talk open and plainly about everything in general. I have one friend and we have fun with the flirting thing its *not* anything serious. He has a girlfriend. I have not acted like this with other friends as I dont feel they would be as light hearted about it.
All of the female friends have in one way or the other hurt me. I dont trust the female friends I have but I do trust the male friends I have.

beruthiel, how can I move on?? the first guy is one of my best friends. He has been there for me through everything in the last 2yrs and I honestly dont believe Id be around if it wasnt for his help and support.

Im so afraid of losing my friends.
Im getting really depressed over this.

Typedef

Listen love, you have to realise that you are an attractive woman and that as such, when you start to get personally intimate with men, said men will come to fancy you.

Some may not act on it, others will, so, to be honest, you are best advised having girls as friends, because, certainly in the 15-20 age range, men are motivated by a desire to have sex, alot. *

If you want to have male friends, I think you need to have a boyfriend, to mark out his territory as it were and be prepaired for the jealously and suspicion that goes with that.

So long as you are available, men will persue you. The logic is simple. Female 'friend', single, next logical step, make a move.
Do you find this logic surprising?

If you do, I think you might really need to wake up and smell the coffee. While you are single, men will persue you and even when you aren't single to a lesser extent, men will persue you.

That's just the way it is, I didn't make the rules.
It is easy for a woman to find a mate, because men make court, for a woman who wants friendship, it will always be difficult because due to the nature of our species, men will always make advances and women will wait for those advances, generally.

I don't mean to sound like a Nazi, I realise there are big exceptions to this rule and perhaps I am the wrong person to take advice from, perhaps, then again perhaps not.

So to answer your question, what do you do?
To be honest, even if you spell out in plain english that you don't fancy those guys, but, want to be friends, that will be interpreted by those guys as a sign that you need time, just like your friend that you warned off a year ago and you found out, still fancied you. Face it, you are an attractive woman and men find you too attractive to be simply 'friends'. So hanging around with said males (single (y/n?)) and probably flirting either subconciously or conciously is bad. Get some women friends, or don't hang out with the men, because, the men don't understand how it is you can spend so much time with them, be single and not want to have more then friendship.

Perhaps tell everybody you like women or get a boyfriend, or stop seeing your boy-friends (who aren't your boyfriend).

No pun.

Beruthiel

beruthiel, how can I move on?? the first guy is one of my best friends. He has been there for me through everything in the last 2yrs and I honestly dont believe Id be around if it wasnt for his help and support

then I don't know what to say to you - rock and a hard place!
but, if it is as you have said and he would like more than you are willing to give, how is it doing either of you any good knowing the underlying current and not being able to act on it? uncomfortable

Dr_Teeth

unreg, get a boyfriend tbh. Unless your male friends are total arseholes they'll ease off on you if you're going with someone else.

Personally speaking I'm inclined to agree with Typedef, there is always a sexual element in a male to female friendship which has to be resolved before they can be truely 'just' friends. Ways of resolution may include:

1. The male not being sexually attracted to the female
2. The female being attached - though this is just a temporary resolution
3. The male being attached - also temporary resolution
4. The male being gay
5. The female being gay
6. The pair having sex, finding out they don't really work as a couple and having a mutual, amicable break-up (very rare)
7. The male having the maturity to realise the female isn't interested and hiding his feelings for the sake of the friendship (quite common)
8. The male propositioning the female, being turned down and having the maturity to leave it at that (quite common)

That about covers it I think..

Teeth.

yossarin

a bit frivolous but: can you get a non-outed gay best friend? you can cover for each other

Kell

I have to say that I have plenty of female friends too and I have no amorous intentions towards them. I think it's fair cop to say that if I had a chance of hopping into their knickers I probably would, but this is dampened by the other feelings of "that isnt going to happen so I'm quite happy to be friends with them". The other half I genuinely feel would like to hop in the sac with me and sure why wouldent they? I'm a stunner. LOL LOL LOL LOL

Point is, the fact that my feelings are tempered means that yes I can get on with a normal platonic relationship with a girl without feeling that I'm just waiting for the moment when I can stick my tongue down her throat or elsewhere for that matter. I think you might just let your other head do too much thinking for you Typie!!

yossarin

...maybe as Beruthiel is suggesting its time for another talk with him about it...

Typedef

Originally posted by Kell
I think you might just let your other head do too much thinking for you Typie!!

What, let my cranium use itself for a change.

For soothe, what a wierd suggestion.

mooman_00

I would agree with typedef, for the most part males dont have female friends as such, they have women they would like to be with, women they've been with and women they would never be with. Seriously if any male here thinks about it all their female friends fall into these categories, for the simple reason that we think about sex all time. I have plenty of female friends and i know exactly which ones i would like to chance and which ones i wouldn't. Having that said i would definetly put our friendship first before getting off with them for the simple fact that i like my friendship with them. Maybe later on in life males begin to settle down and possibly have female friends on a simple friends basis, but i doubt it as sex is just too damn important to us. Oh and ill just add that personality has a lot too do with it, im not saying im not friends with some girls cuz their ugly, im not good friends with a few good lookin girls cuz they are bitch's and cuz of this i wouldnt get off with them.

dougal

I think you need to think about things from your best friends point of view.
He told you that he fancied you.
You said you weren't interested that way.
Even though he knows this it doesn't change the way he feels.
Your signals are getting blurred to him though.
He probably figures that as you like him as a friend so much that you should fancy him too! I mean how can you fancy some guy you dont even know when you have such a great guy right under your nose!
So he figures given time and the right circumstances you will see the error of your ways and start fancying him.
So he is putting himself through the torture of you not realising this and heaven forbid - fancying other guys!
Any guy you do go out with is going to be TOTALLY wrong for you in his eyes as they will never treat you as well as he would and don't know you as well as he does.

So you have 2 choices - give in and go out with him or tell him that he has a great personality but that you are too shallow to care about that and go for looks instead.

Kell

I think, back on the main topic for a moment, that maybe Unreggie could try and use devious tactics to ensure that said best friend leaves her alone (on an amourous level at least). Unreggie, can you try and do something to really really piss him off? As some have said, if he is a true friend then he will get over it and perhaps start treating you on the same level as opposed to a love interest?

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

unreg, just talk to him about it. be honest, direct and brutal. let him know exactly where he stands, with no room for mistakes.

once he knows where he stands, it's up to him. if he really is a good friend he'll still be there for you, if not he'll sod off or show himself to be the ass that he is.

Typedef

once he knows where he stands, it's up to him. if he really is a good friend he'll still be there for you

Error 404. If he is still there for you, it is because he still wants you, how brutal are you prepaired to be? How much is enough? Remember, you are dealing with a person, and he's nice to look at nice to hold and if you break him, we say sold.

yossarin

Error 403 rather
yeah - i meant to say what Mordeth said - be firm but kind, but set him straight if you want to keep him as a friend

Wook

now that this has been brought up , none of my female friends are the ones i would like to have sex with...not that they are mingers or something ...they just dont do it for me..
i'd say it would be hard to have a normal girl-friend who is stunning looking and i am attracted to her.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Kell

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
more of the same

Tsk tsk Merc. I was expecting some cutting wittiscism. You've let me down!;)

Saruman

Of course its possible to have female friends... I have had plenty of women friends in my time and never saw them as being any more than that... I may find them attractive sure.. but thats about it!

Unreg you must be something special to have so many guys after you... reminds me of the film "There's something about Mary".
Get some women friends and parade them in front of your male friends.. show them there is more than just you around.. if that does not work.. try a big iron bar!

Silent Grape

hi, yeah, i have the same problem. i dont have many good female friends, my last 'best friend' turned out to be the biggest... well , you know what i mean. anyhoo, i began to be friends one of my girl - friends' boyfriends. the friendship grew, they broke up, it grew more and more. then i expressed an interest in another friend of ours (my current boyfriend).things went a bit wrong at the start of this new relationship and my male friend was there with me the whole way, supporting me completely. my once closest friend. Things went downhill when things with my new relationship seemed to grow. my male friend became possesive, obsessive, told me he was in love with me all the time. it was a very hard time. im insecure myself and i was enjoying all the devotion and it was obvious he had quite the thing for me. one drunken nyt we slept together. my emotional state wasnt the best then and i thought i owed sex to every man who liked me. my male friend knew about my feelings regarding sex and men and he still thought it was cool to take advantage. anyway, that screwed up my newish relationship quite a bit but we still continues seeing each other. me and my male friend have been drifting apart very much recently which i thought wasnt too bad, though i missed the fact that we were once very good close friends. one week ago i got a message out the blue telling me i was no longer a friend because of how much i 'screwed him around in the past'. It hurts quite a bit i have to admit. also i suspect he has some sort of psychological problem. it hurts so much because when i attempted suicide he basically ****ed off. which was nice. so although he is an extraordinarily selfish man, i did think we had a nice platonic relationship going for a good few months. i dont know what to tell you. just keep things clear! thats the best advice i can offer, donbt let feelings and actions and emotions get muddled. jsut keep things as clear as possible.

christ im sorry for the superlength confusing post! : )

mia x

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
Once we get it out of our system we'd make great friends tbh.

Indeed. An empty sack is a happy sack.

Victor

I remember when I was 18 I was mad about this girl in college, she was someone really worth knowing and one night she asked me up to dance and I'm thinking "wahey, I'm in", but I didn't push it, wanting to evaluate the situation further (and 'cos I'm a complete chicken). Anyway, next song she danced with soemone else and I sat down and chatted with her friend. The friend copped on to my intentions. Anyway there was a big bruhaha as the guy she was dancing with was her boyfriend and "how dare I" even think about her when she was going out with someone. OK yes I did think about her a lot, but not stalker like, I could respect she was going out with someone.

Anyway a year after, I decided to give her a half dozen red roses as a friendly gesture and she freaked out bigtime (it only hit me last year how much - ten years later). Another time her 15 year old sister decided to do some match making and we both laughed it off.

So I think guys can be ambiguous, if it's on the menu we will consider it, if it tasted bad last time, we need to be drunk to try it again (think curry chips after 12 pints).

Originally posted by Dr_Teeth
Personally speaking I'm inclined to agree with Typedef, there is always a sexual element in a male to female friendship which has to be resolved before they can be truely 'just' friends. Ways of resolution may include:
... 5. The female being gay ...

Actually, this doesn't always stop them.

Bottle_of_Smoke

one week ago i got a message out the blue telling me i was no longer a friend because of how much i 'screwed him around in the past'

Word of advice don't post things this detailed unless you're really not bothered about people who might know you knowing everything you've said on boards!

And paragraphs would be nice!

Doodee

unreg, just talk to him about it. be honest, direct and brutal. let him know exactly where he stands, with no room for mistakes.

To true.
The fact is that they arent really friends if they were only after one thing...
A proper friend would be able to realise that you dont feel the same and just continue with the friendship.

If they aint friends, they will go off in a huff, sulk and bitch about you, which isnt your loss then, as they arent friends.

I think its quite possible to have both male and female friends, reguardless of flirting and such.

Friendships require people to be open and honest, so dont neglect this, talk to the person, tell them you dont want anything to happen, and you are just looking for friends, if they leave, they will leave, but remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you will find some1 whom you can just be friends with.

As for all women are bitches. I dont really think so, You just are talking to the wrong people.

pickarooney

Post your photo, and all the lads will give you a thumbs up or down. Then you can meet up with whoever reckons you're a minger and go have coffee or see a film or... what the hell do men and women who are friends but don't fancy one another do anyway?

Beëlzebooze

my best friend for quite a couple of years was a woman, she was really nice (no doubt she still is, we have lost contact over the years). We had the best fun together, cinema, dancing, eating hotdogs while we watched all the soaps. best of all was we would go into town to chat up women (she was gay).

I shared a bed with her on many an occasion, but there was no sex involved, just two mates that needed sleep and just one bed handy.

come to think of it, I miss her quite a bit now. Will have to see where she is living, and give her a bell!

mooman_00

Originally posted by Beëlzebooze
my best friend for quite a couple of years was a woman, she was really nice. We had the best fun together, cinema, dancing, eating hotdogs while we watched all the soaps.

I too love it when my lesbian friend chows down on my hotdog while we watch corrie!

Beëlzebooze

Chow down? nah she just licked off the sauce........

mooman_00

lol

RopeDrink

My best friend is female.
I've known her for nine years and we meet up every so often to have a laugh / bounce our problems off one another etc etc

Funnily enough (Even though she is an attractive lady) I have never thought of her in any other way other than just being a friend.

Infact the majority of my friends are female simply because the majority of MEN I know only think with that little thing I call a meat rod, and I find the usual "Look at that bird over there" - "What a fine arse / pair of tits" - "I'd do her" bull**** a little too repeatetive...

It is a rare thing for a man to be a 'proper' friend with a woman without wanting sex, but it does happen... But as I said, rarely...

As for unreg, if they are thinking of nothing but hitching with you / having sex with you, they are not your friends and I wouldn't waste my time and energy putting up with them.

smiles

Guys tend to fall in love alot, especially with women who they can talk to, because they assume because they can talk to you then you're perfect for them.

*grrrr* this has happened to me far too many times for my own liking, mostly you can give out to them and they'll carry on being mates and eventually grow out of it.

It's partially hormonal, mostly due to the fact that men are idiots who don't know the meaning of friendship. :P

<< Fio >>

Doodee

/me extends arm, retracts forearm and hand, points elbow at fio

"Yea, Talk to the Elbow hunny"
:P

Did we not have this arguement on Tuesday night?
or something along those lines.....

SOL

Originally posted by smiles
Guys tend to fall in love alot, especially with women who they can talk to, because they assume because they can talk to you then you're perfect for them.

*grrrr* this has happened to me far too many times for my own liking, mostly you can give out to them and they'll carry on being mates and eventually grow out of it.

It's partially hormonal, mostly due to the fact that men are idiots who don't know the meaning of friendship. :P

<< Fio >>

Seriously I will manage to keep a straight face and resist the urge to make evil comments for the rest of this post :P

Cheez

from what little i've read i recon that chap who ur friends with likes u yea,but theres a thing where u think hes still in that stage where he wants u and hes pisd off cuz ur probly up ur own hole and hes trying to have a conversation and feels ur flirting with other guys. Ask him exactly WHY he goes off in a huff,dont just presume its becuz he wants to fuk u
men can be friends with females and not wanna fuk em
it doesnt mean that they'd fuk em if they'd fuk u if they got the chance.
itts common sence i think that a person wud fuk a nice looking person if they had the chance and they wern't already hooked up with someone yea? but ya filter through it with reason,"shes my friend and i feel platonic love towards her.....,but hehe she has nice boobies".
learn perspecive or somethin jeez

yours
a grumpy fuk
peace

LegacyUser

Cheez, on that night I didnt think he had gone off in a huff because of me. He can get very depressed at times and I just presummed it was because of that (hence alot of worry). I dont think Im anything special or anything like that, I dont even understand the attention I get. To me Im me nothing more. I found out it was because of his feelings for me from a mutual friend of ours. Our mutual friend also informed me of the intense nature of this guys feelings for me. I honestly thought that this had all been sorted out a year back.

This weekend Im going to meet up with him and talk things through. He has got to know that he has to respect my feelings and seeing him so upset doesnt help me or him. I will not be emotionally blackmailed into a relationship. I cant love him the way he wants and I really wish I could.

Id try the get a boyfriend approach but I need to be in a realationship like I need a hole in the head lol.

Thanks all.

loveheartsandnicotine

my best friend is a man. He loves me to bits and I love him. We have been pals for maybe 20 yrs?. Now if this guy loves you, then does, theres nothing you can do to make him NOT. Just be there for him.
And it IS possible to have an opposite sex bestest friend.
Just dont make such an issue of it ...u may lose him as your pal
and contrary to all the replies youngot, not all ment think of women as a potential sex conquest. Best of luck

mooman_00

Originally posted by loveheartsandnicotine
..u may lose him as your pal
and contrary to all the replies youngot, not all ment think of women as a potential sex conquest. Best of luck

its not like we have a choice, if it moves it will be considered

LegacyUser

I spoke with him last weekend. Everything is sorted and we are as good mates as we were before. I do believe that men and woman can be friends and only that, after all we are all human. A little more communication does nobody any harm.

Thanks again.

Samara

Hey unreg, I know what you mean. I have a lot of male friends, which I have been mates with for seven/eight years. I have been with my current b/f for seven years and a lot of these are his friends too, but I often go on the piss with them without my b/f. A couple have made passes at me especially where alcohol is involved, I normally just laugh it off and we go on as if nothing has happened. It used to REALLY piss me but it's just human nature, when they share their thoughts and feelings with you they feel closer to you and the intimacy can be misleading and confusing so they feel that there is the possiblity that it can go further. One of them professed his love for me and told me he wanted to marry me, but again I laughed it off, and he knew that I didn't feel the same way. This was four years ago and we're still best of friends. The first couple of weeks after the declaration of love was a tad awkward but we got over it quickly enough and things settled back to normality. He has since found a g/f and become a Daddy. So if you're firm but don't make a big issue out of it they give up and accept that nothings going to happen. If they are friends worth having they will settle for friendship, if not, you're better off without them.


There is always some level of subconcious flirting between platonic male/female friends. Again it's human nature. So for you guys who gave her the advice of get a boyfriend - it doesn't make a blind bit of difference!!!!! She needs to make it clear that there is no hope of the relationship developing into anything else and if they refuse to accept it no matter how hard it is she'll have to move on and put a bit of distance between them.

And unreg, although I have quite a few male friends I do have a few good and hopefully lifelong female friends, don't dismiss the idea of forming friendships with females because of a few bad experiences.