Jealousy

RopeDrink

Im as straight as they get, yet I also hate women for what they can do to a man's mentallity

On a more serious note I've started going out with a lovely girl, yet there's one big problem that both of us share, and that is we are extremely jealous...

All it takes is for one of us to be caught talking to a member of the opposite sex and it sparks off the other one... It's especially nasty when your best friends are females (In my case) and hers are blokes...

It bloody hurts a lot when one or the other ALWAYS gets huffy over the jealousy, and I know that it's usually never worth worrying about but being the insecure and unconfident bastard that I am it's always one of a varied list of things that poke at my brain, especially when Im alone...

We both now live together at my house and are moving out on Saturday to our OWN place (which may or may not be a good thing - It's different for everyone so we have to wait and see what happens) and hopefully there won't be too many problems...

We've never actually had a proper arguement yet and things are going great except the odd flash of jealousy that gets one of us temporarily upset...

This isn't a really big issue of mine, nor is it that big of a problem in regards to some of the others that appear on this board, but I thought I'd post it up anyhow and get some advice (If there is any on tap atm)

Gordon

Firstly congratulations man.

As for the jealousy - I've been jealous of females that I have felt untrust towards. I have felt no jealousy towards females that I know inside out (as far as possible) and feel completely trusting in them.

Maybe you both have some issues that you are keeping from each oher? Just an idea.

Washout

Jealousy is a wierd wierd thing.

You may feel you trust the perosn you sre going with inside out but the fact that the feeling of jealousy comes into it may mean that you really dont.

Mainly its due to the fact of you not liking your partner giving attention to other people as the same sex as you.
The onyl way is not to let the rage of jealousy take over.
You have to accept the fact that she is allowed to be friends qwith who se likes and it aint fair that she have to give them little or no attention...friends are imprtant and its not healthy that people give up their friends to be exclusive to each other

[Dr Phil rant over]

Beruthiel

first off, welcome back Ropie, thought you had gone MIA!!

well, it's a self esteem thing, you have not convinced yourself yet that you are the bees knees and the spiders ankles and this girl would be mad to ever let you go - because simply put, once she's had you there's no where else for her to go afterwards!!
when you get past that then all will be wonderful
yes, I know, easier said than done, but now is the time to start practicing

RopeDrink

One of the first things I did (Seeing as my life is coloured with many a nasty problem) was lay it all out there infront of her so she knew what I was like and how I act... One example being my mothers situation (Which Im sure a few of you'll remember) - Well, in that case she came down to visit with us and didn't exactly find what she saw very nice...

It's not a question of hidden problems seeing as we talk quite a lot about them, but it's something else...

Typedef

RopeDrink, you have found someone who is jealous because of you and who you can be jealous because of.

Congratulations, you have, just found a girl who you have something in common with, and can have a good old fight at the same time.

You get the best of both worlds... a good fight... and something you can share with your pertinent other.

Both of which are quite healthy and good for relationships... so revel in it, gift.

RopeDrink

Thanks guys.
Washout I understand and respect what your saying but thats not exactly the problem either. I'll never ever restrict her in regards to who she talks to or how much attention she can give etc, nor would she to me.

It's not all got to do with simply 'talking to other people' etc, it's just... There...

I've always had it, even when single.
As for beruthiel (It's good to be back, babes ) I'll never EVER be confident. Too many mental scars that can't heal and all that rot, plus the fact that I was raised on hating myself and feeling ****. It never changed and never will... I'll be twenty one on August even I am smart enough to know that the way I am is wrong and unhealthy, yet I also know I will not change no matter how much help I get.

RopeDrink

Argh you buggers type faster than me - Thanks Typdef.
I can see your point very clearly.
Anyhow, Im off home now and Im sure I'll think a little differently whenever I get back to Boards.
Cheers for the tips guys and stay WELL AWAY FROM THE WOMEN (Except beruthiel)...

Doodee

Well Andy, ya shoulda talked to me on Tuesday.
But anyways, make sure that the jealousy isnt cause from paranoia.

Being paranoid bout the other half can destroy you, and make them very worried. The best thing to do is just talk it out with her, but the probable answer will be "I have many male friends, you'll just have to get over it!" Its not her fault, and it is not yours.

Communication is the best way of building trust in a relationship and thats what your going to have to build on.
If you are getting jealous that easily then its the trust in the relationship thats the problem, and you are gonna HAVE to deal with it.
Im sure after a period of time you will stop getting so jealous, but you have to trust her, and give her her room with other people. It obviously shows that you care for one another, and yee make a great couple btw


Best of luck

Beruthiel

Originally posted by RopeDrink
It never changed and never will... I'll be twenty one on August even I am smart enough to know that the way I am is wrong and unhealthy, yet I also know I will not change no matter how much help I get.

my dear Ropie, I was also raised to think I wasn't much, I did not start to gain any confidence until the ripe old age of 30 - I have come on in leaps and bounds since then!
never say never, you are 21 - a baby! you have no clue what the future holds for you yet, don't lock yourself out from the possibilities by saying it will never happen.

Kell

Hmmnnn. Jealousy. The dreaded green eyed beast raises it's ugly head from the quagmire.

The fact that you are both jealous of eachother means that you are both thinking on the same level i.e. he or she is someone that someone else would like to be with. The last time I got jealous like that myself and my ex spoke about it and figured that we should actually be happy that our partners are someone that someone else would like to be with. In other words think "of course that guy would like to be with her, but at the the end of the day she's with me therefore I am better than him". You have to force yourself to do it for a while but then it becomes second nature. You'd be surprised how quickly you get over it.

Just as a slight aside- do you trust your GF? If you dont trust that she is going to off and do something behind your back then that causes the green monsters to come a calling too.

NobodyImportant

I trust my gf 100%, but i know that when i see her guy friends talking to her, they just want to get into her knickers, ive heard some of them talking about her and seen them stare at her private bits when she aint looking.

But you have to learn to just get over it, would you cheat on her chatting to an attractive member of the opposite sex? no, and if you trust her, then the same applies. Look at the people you are being jealous about, have a giggle thinking of what they will never have yet might want so bad:D

AngelAine

I get really jealous of my boyfriend when he talks about girls I don't know and I make him describe them to me (just to try and ensure myself that i'm better etc!). I hate it when he talks to girls I don't know cos' I feel like they 'have something' or 'had something' that I don't know about.

I hate being like this and no matter how much I try to convince myself thats "hes mine" I still get this horrible feeling in my stomach and get all worked up. He doesn't feel like this at all. He doesn't mind me doing anything (within reason of course).

I hate it when he goes out with the lads (partly cos' they are all players) and it usually gets me all worked up, to the point where I would feel physically sick.

What should I do?

smiles

I don't like jealously, for the obvious reasons that it causes me not to be able to hug my mates for the fear of how their attached partners will react.

In my eyes its ridiculuous (just realised i can't spell that word) - but it works for some...

<< Fio >>

Kell

And you have such a nice hug smiles-

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

indeed highlight of the night!

smiles

/me blushes

<< Fio >>

Typedef

I didn't get a hug.

Typedef : Vaguely jealous .......

LegacyUser

Jelousy is based in anxiety and insecurity, but there ARE ways of over coming it

Aine you need to breath when he does out! , distract yourself with ur friends or the tv and stop thinking about it! i know, easier said than done but theres a thing called 'thought stopping' you can do which is a useful device for anyone with paranoia or insecurity issues.

when a thought like 'i wonder what he's doing now! I wonder who he's talking to!' or images of him with other girls come to mind, stop. just say 'stop' to yourself.

now change that thought to 'i am living my own life and i will be concerned about what he is doing when he comes home. i am putting it aside until the time comes when i can talk to him about it' then talk to somebody or watch something or whatever, just dont think about it!

WhiteWashMan

i guess you can look at it in two ways.

either she loves youa nd is going to stay faithful, or she isnt.
if she isnt, whats the point in worrying about it. deal with it when it happens.
if it doesnt, gosh, what a waste of time worrying aobut it is then!

be jealous, but so waht if she hugs someone. you know she doesnt mean anything by it, its a hug. just remember, what would you be feeling at the same time if it was you doing the hugging? would you have the idea of shagging the person you are hugging in the back of your mind?
probably not, and i guess your girl wouldnt either.

now, thats all the sensible stuff, that we all know you should be thinking of.

the reality is that jealousy is an awful evil thing! and people who are jealous often find it hard to get over it, because it is an esteem thing. if you feel good and confident and happy, then why would you expect your partner to run off?
fact of the matter is that you have to start realising that you are a pretty decent person, and the fact that someone is with you is becausethey want to be with you. from there you will find yourself believing that you are worthy of that person and you will find the jealousy thing start to disapate.

of course, theres always room for a little in a relationship. i mean, you have to actually care what your partner does

pickarooney

If there's one thing worse than a jealous girlfriend, it's one who gets angry when you're not jealous of her talking to some bloke. For Christ's sake, quit trying to infect me with your insecurity virus!

Evil Phil

What about those girls who get off on making their boyfriend jealous? Whats with that? We've all known one girl like that ~ either we were with her or a friend was. I was with her and still bare the scars.