my girlfriend

LegacyUser

hi everyone,

i hope this topic isnt too sensitive or personal, but my girlfriend (19) of a year in april tried to kill herself last July. i know its a bit late to be writing this but i really need help on how to be a good supportive friend to her.

her close friends have fuked off within the last 6 months and she's really down right now. her suicide attempt was brushed under the carpet a week after it happened, by her family and friends and evryone, really.

she's going to a therapist who's helped slightly with her family situation but she isnt any better. in fact i think she's worse because she doesnt have the 'solution' of suicide any more. she keep callingme up at night crying because of feeling suicidal feelings, or if she lying there being paranoid about what ppl think of her.

im finding it tough going sometimes because i have insecurities of my own. we're only 19, and i think its terrible that she can't act like it and be the happy smiley funny girl she used to be when i first met her : (

any helpful (please dont tell me how 'selfish she was or anything like that, very unhelpfuL) suggestions would be great.

thanks

Kell

Very sensitive one alright. I think you need to give her as much space as possible really for her to try and come to terms with what is going on in her life. When I say give her space, I dont mean not see her or call her or anything of the like, but when the shít hits the fan make sure you take a deep breath before opening your mouth to her rather than say the first thing that comes to mind, and that goes for offering support too.

When she gets upset or cries ask her what is driving her emotions and get her to look inside herself a bit. Having a never ending shoulder of support is sometimes as useless as getting annoyed at someone if they are in the shít, or us telling you that she is selfish. Prompting people to look at what is making them unhappy often gets them to see past the symtoms of a problem and begin to address the core issues. Brushing a suicide attempt under the carpet was a bad move on the part of her family and friends, but it may have been the only way they could deal with it at the time. If she has issues at home that may have caused this she needs to gently point out to her family how their actions cause her distress. It doesnt mean that they will have to walk on eggshells around her, but at least they can be asked to consider what potential effect they may be having on her.

It's really sad that people so young worry about what other people think of them to the point of paranoia and tears. Again, if she is paranoid about what people think of her, ask her why she feels that way and ask her to be specific. A lot of the time, people cant be specific about things that they perceive to be going on, they can only tell you how it made them feel. Rather than say "of course everyone doesnt hate you" when she is being paranoid get her to ask herself why these people might feel the way they do. If she cant come up with examples then ask her where her case for paranoia comes from (very gently of course).

At the end of the day if you can prompt her to start asking herself questions she might come up with the "solution" herself.

A last question to end the post; was there a single incident that prompted the suicide attempt or was it something built up over time?

If you need anything PM me-

K

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply, kell. her family and her have some major problems which have been going on for years. problems have been 'dealt' with before but her mother is a real headcase. she's been on the brink of living with me but they stopped her (by blocking the front door - charming)

there wasnt any one thing which started her being depressed. she started getting insecure and whatnot when she was 17 and its been growing ever since. she slept around quite a bit back then which im sure did wonders for her self esteem.....

anyway i have another problem which i didnt mention, recently she doesnt want to have sex anymore. she doesn't say it, but i definetely know she's not into it. only up to a month ago she was,i think, every man's dream in bed, she used to be a very sexual charged lady, to put it mildly. now it just seems like a chore. when i go down on her (she used to love that - obviously) she just tells me not to bother.

it maked me wonder if she wants me at all. shes always telling me she loves me and giving me presents and other girlie romantic things,. but sex was where i really felt the love between us.
sorry for the long post, thanks for any replies

Kell

Difficult as it may be, I would leave the sex thing alone. When someone is in the throes of questioning what valid contribution they make to the world and being lost in paranoia, a lot of the time they dont want any attention at all because they dont feel that they are worth it. It's a funny frame of mind as you really have had to feel it at some point to exactly grasp it's finer points.

She's 19, so legally her parents can do sweet fúck all to stop her moving out. If there are serious unresolvable issues at home then she should so everything she can to get out of it as this would take away a problem that is in her face 7 days a week. A depressed person can never begin to see whats the options are if they have a big fat issue right in front of them all the time. They need to be away from the problem, even if it's only for a little while, to begin to see how to get over it.

LegacyUser

thanks for reply kell. yeah i know the sex thing cant be about me really but its such a change from only last month.

she tried to live with me for a weekend to try it out (suggested by her sister, who the mother is now not talking to ..) she knows she can come to mine anytime there's a problem in the house. she often comes out untill two or three in the morning and then goes home. We'd love to live together but with finances, only occasional stays when it gets tough are all we can do.
thanks a million for your replys : )

Kell

No probs- feel free to PM me if anything is a bit too public-

K-

Victor

Yeah, life can be bad at times and bad times have the habit of ganging up against you and beating you up. I have been suffering from (clinical) depression and from what you say, this is close to what you GF has (suicidal, tearful, change in behavior over a sustained period). You say she is seeing a therapist, perhaps you can talk to your GF and get her to discuss other avenues of treatment with the therapist or her GP.

While there are no magical cures, things can at least be stabilised and gradually improved.

Try reading up on depression, here is one place to look http://www.vhihealthe.com/

ferdi

i am not the one to give advise on this but i'd say its having an effect on you too. maybe if you talked to someone together, it might be better, that way you can be there for eachother. i can understand what your going through but i cant go into it.

all i can say is good luck dude.

ferdi

Victor

Originally posted by ferdi
i am not the one to give advise on this but i'd say its having an effect on you too. maybe if you talked to someone together, it might be better

Yeah, forgot to mention this, it might help both of you to better understand the situation and what you are going through.

LegacyUser

thankyou for all your replies,

yeh she wants to go on antidepressants but cant afford anything right now. shes not getting overwhelmed by being depressed, she goes to college and functions fairly normally.
but she still wants to take pills.

another thing is she's just started on the pill and apparently it helps to get you down for the first couple of months.

i might mention seeing her therapist with her sometime. i know she wouldnt mind because she had a family meeting thing with him and asked me to come. shes also told me that it would be okay. there are things we just dont talk about and my feelings about her suicide attempt were only talked about twice. and that was during huge arguments. these are things i cant just talk to her about.

she says the thought of slicing her wrists open would sicken her now and she's always avoiding taking migraine tablets because taking any large tablet after what happened makes her feel physically ill, but she's always making little jokes, like if i ask her if she's going to be okay for the night, shed say something like 'sure ill be fine, ive got a knife under the bed if i feel bad'. but she always laughs. at the same time its a really sensitive thing for her to talk about. is that abnormal? or maybe its just a defence device thing. no one has made light/or even talked about what happened so maybe this is her way of bringing it up? i dont know. its very confusing.

sorry again for the long post. thankyou for all the replies

Victor

Just one thing, I understand she means a lot to you, but don't let this be your burden. There is no need to compromise yourself to help her.

Originally posted by worriedbf
yeh she wants to go on antidepressants but cant afford anything right now.

She might be entitled to free or discounted treatment under VHI / health card / Health Board longterm illness schemes. Just be aware that antidepressants can have some strong side effects.

Originally posted by worriedbf
i might mention seeing her therapist with her sometime.

Just say it casually (but pick your moment) that if she and the therapist were happy, you would be interested and willing to go along. No pressure either way - her choice.

Originally posted by worriedbf
but she always laughs. at the same time its a really sensitive thing for her to talk about. is that abnormal? or maybe its just a defence device thing. no one has made light/or even talked about what happened so maybe this is her way of bringing it up? i dont know. its very confusing.

Probably a defence mechanism, but I suspect that she wants to normalise the situation, yes she tried to commit suicide, but she has moved on (as least part of the way) and she doesn't want to be the only one dealing with the issue. The family's denial of the situation doesn't make it go away.

Originally posted by worriedbf
sorry again for the long post. thankyou for all the replies

No problem, thats what us spammers are here for.

The Clown Man

I had a similar situation a while back with an ex-girlfriend (of 5 years.) Things were fairly messed up in her own head. But the thing was that it WAS all in her own head. She got over it all after a couple of years but I found that the best way to help her was to identify the things that were making her feel this way (without directly asking her of course but often subtly hinting) and to work on increasing her self-confidence with regard to them.

There are always things that point to what she may be feeling insecure about. For instance, the first, promiscuity, and then, no sex thing is highly likely to point towards a sexual insecurity formed by a previous experience. Maybe it was the promiscuity that she has a problem with. I won't delve any further because I'm in no situation to even guess and I don't want to point you in the wrong direction. That is just an example.

Family problems are always tough though, as you are not inside the family circle and therefore a spectator no matter how close you think you are. The best way I found was to alienate her from the part of her family that is the problem and assure her that the rest of her family supports her. Her independance is also very important. If there are serious family problems that will obviously not be fixed, the best thing I believe is to move out. It worked for us. Again, I don't know the full circumstances and this might not be an option for her but it is important that she feels independent of her mother and that she is in full control of herself.

The most important thing, anyhow, is that she has someone to turn to. I hope you realise how important you are to her at the moment and that she needs you as a shoulder to cry on. And the more crying, in general, the better. Any problem is easier to cope with when shared. If you do really care for her be sensitive to her needs and be sensitive to her feelings and be there for her at a moments notice. She is relying on you in a big way and the person she places her trust upon is the person that will eventually help her through. Assure her that you are always there.

The main thing I found that helped was reassurance. Compliments go a long way and praise is hugely appreciated by someone who finds very little from herself. If she cannot see what she is worth then you show her.

The brain is a very sensitive piece of equipment so make sure you do not push her in any way. Let her tell you about the problems once she knows she can trust them upon you. A bad reaction is not always a bad thing, at least you know there is a problem there. But never push it. Let her confide in you in her own time. And help whatever problem or bad reaction you see. Once you can indentify exactly why a bad reaction has occured for whatever reason and then successfully calm the reaction and lighten her spirits, you can be fairly sure you are getting somewhere. She will remember your assurances whenever she has the same reaction again.

It is, however, a long battle. After enough reassuring on your part, she will hopefully learn to be able to reassure herself. And then the core of the problem is solved. Once she has enough self-assurance or self-confidence she will be able to live with herself. Because after all, the problem is that she cannot find enough assurance in her own view of the things around her to find any comfort.

Of course, it is up to you whether to try to do your best for her or not but I think your posting here is evidence enough that you are trying to do all you can. Good luck with it and I wish you the best.



Incidently, my ex confirmed with me afterwards that I was the real factor in her getting through it all so from my own experiences, all this helps. I'm not tooting horns or anything, I was just DAMN glad that I could help. I hope it helps for you. And her.

Mail me or pm me if you want any more advise.

LegacyUser

Thankyou for your reply CLownman.

she was 'kind of' raped a couple of years ago. she was blind drunk and cant remember most of it. she doesnt reallyknow if she actually was raped or not. she says the sex thing is down to the pill anyway so hopefully thatl be okay, and what kell said about her not wanting attention is probably true also.

she's always thanking me for sticking with her when no one else did. i know im appreciated.

i knwo what u mean about the compliments thing, she's even paranoid about FHM calenders! she was in tears because she slagged off one of the models for haveing saggy boobs and i said they wernt very saggy. BIG mistake. three hourse of tears ensued. shes always comparing herself to other girls and vbeing paranoid. she gets so excited and acts like a little happy girl when i tell her she's pretty or whatever so that always is good. she has big issues with my ex, tho, is is 'thinner' and 'prettier' and perfect in her eyes.

i am definetley there for her whenever she needs me. i am doing everything i can for her.

i have decided not to see her counceller with her for personal reasons i cant talk about here. but we have a very open relationship so it shouldnt be too much of a disadvantage. she's also decided she doesnt want to take antideppresants as her therapist informed her that her bouts of sadness are too erratic and it would screw up her good times if she took them.

thankyou so much for all the insightful replies, i really appreciate it!

Kell

I dont know whether anti-depressants screw up the good times for you. What I do know is that they take the highs and lows out of life i.e. by preventing you from being low they also have the negative of the highs not being quite so high.

Victor

Originally posted by Kell
I dont know whether anti-depressants screw up the good times for you. What I do know is that they take the highs and lows out of life i.e. by preventing you from being low they also have the negative of the highs not being quite so high.

That is close to my experience, but when you are depressed most of your mood is down, so by taking away the extreme peaks and troughs, the average is better.

This graph is diagrammatic only - everyone will on occassion feel extreme highs and lows - I'm just taking a typical day here. While I am using a Sine graph, in reality moods are likely to be alternatively more dynamic / erratic at times. For diagrammatic purposes only 10 = happy, 0 = sad.