Drink (Again without poll)

Rella · 26-03-2003 2:59pm #1

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
in the known universe. You know you know everything and
you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will
listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course,
the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for
an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE
person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You
can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy
you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you
are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the
room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you
have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this
stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally,
you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you
bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for
everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
especially those with whom you have been betting or
arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the
people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle
of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle,
because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're
RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you
can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can
dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy
because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You
are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You
can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still CLEVER you know all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the
headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you
realise that you have lost not only several hours of your
life but also the ability to concentrate on anything
whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a
minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom
mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you
have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought
possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious
collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are
still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave
whilst shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to
shamble out the door when you discover that the money that
was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet.
Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the
traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that
you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point.
Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you
might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by
mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have
been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed,
you come to believe that you were the only one who bought
any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your
friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently
FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE
physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter
if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately,
everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause
from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can
complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are
too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR
to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.