Ireland For Beginners:

Seaneh

> > >IRELAND FOR BEGINNERS:
> > >
> > >Pub etiquette:
> > >The crucial thing here is the "round" system, in which each participant
> > >takes turns to shout an order. To the outsider, this may appear casual;
> >you
> > >will not necessarily be told it's your round and other participants may
> > >appear only too happy to substitute for you. But make no mistake, your
> > >failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed. People will
> > >mention it the moment you leave the room. The reputation will follow you
>
> >to
> > >the grave, where after it will attach to your offspring and possibly
> >theirs
> > >as well. In some cases, it may become permanently enshrined in a family
> > >nickname.
> > >
> > >Woolly jumpers :
> > >Ireland produces vast quantities of woollen knitwear and, under a
> >US/Irish
> > >trade agreement, American visitors may not return to the States without
>a
> > >minimum of two sweaters, of which one at least must be predominantly
> >green.
> > >Airline staff may check that you have the required documentation before
> >you
> > >are allowed to disembark.
> > >Note: under no circumstances will you see an Irish person wearing a
> >woollen
> > >jumper. These jumpers are worn solely by Americans to identify them to
> > >muggers, thieves and knackers.
> > >
> > >Irish people and the weather:
> > >It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come
> > >into their own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last
>did
> > >around the time of St Patrick). For this reason, Irish people dress for
> > >conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March
>
> >to
> > >see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes, enjoying
>
> >the
> > >air and the soft caress of hailstones on their skin. The Irish attitude
> >to
> > >weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism over experience: Every time
> >it
> > >rains, we look up at the sky and are shocked and betrayed. Then we go
>out
> > >and buy a new umbrella.
> > >
> > >Ireland has two time-zones:
> > >(1)Greenwich Mean Time and(2) "local" time.
> > >Local time can be anything between ten minutes and three days behind
>GMT,
> > >depending on the position of the earth and the whereabouts of the man
> >with
> > >the keys to the hall. Again, the Irish concept of time has been
> >influenced
> > >by the thinking of 20th century physicists, who hold that it can only be
> > >measured by reference to another body and can even be affected by
>factors
> > >like acceleration. For instance, a policeman entering a
> > >licensed premises in rural Ireland late at night is a good example of
> > >another body from whom it can be reliably inferred that it is fact
> >closing
> > >time. When this happens, acceleration is the advised option. Shockingly,
>
> >the
> > >relativity argument is still not
> > >accepted as a valid defence in the Irish courts.
> > >
> > >Irish Dancing:
> > >There are two main kinds of Irish dancing:
> > >(1) Riverdance, which is now simultaneously running in every major city
> >in
> > >the world except Ulan Bator and which some economists believe is
> >responsible
> > >for the Irish economic boom; and
> > >(2) real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly blouses and you
> > >still may not express yourself, except in a written note to the
> > >adjudicators.
> > >
> > >The wearing of the green :
> > >Strangely enough,Irish people tend to wear everything except green,
>which
> >is
> > >associated with too many national tragedies, including 1798, the Famine
> >and
> > >the current Irish soccer team. It's possible that green just doesn't
>suit
> > >the Irish skin colour, which is generally pale blue (see Weather).
> > >
> > >Gaelic games :
> > >Gaelic games, which combine elements of the American sports of gridiron
> >and
> > >baseball but are played with an intensity more associated with Mafia
>turf
> > >wars. The two main games are "football" and "hurling", the chief
> >difference
> > >being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is also "camogie"
> > >which is like hurling, except that in fights the hair may be pulled as
> >well.
> > >Definitions of hurling "the fastest game on earth" was best described by
>
> >a
> > >Cork man to an American tourist when he said "its like a cross between
> >ice
> > >hockey and murder"
> > >
> > >Schools rugby:
> > >St Patrick's Day also brings the finals in schools rugby, a game based
> > >around the skills of wrestling, kicking, gouging, ear-biting, and
> >assaults
> > >on other vulnerable body parts. The game is much prized in Ireland's
> >better
> > >schools, where it's seen as an ideal grounding for careers in business
> >and
> > >the law.
> > >
> > >
> > >It is well-known that St Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Less
> > >publicised is that he also banished kangaroos, polar bears and
>Vietnamese
> > >pot-bellied pigs, all of which were regarded as nuisances by the early
> >Irish
> > >Christians.
> > >
> > >Signposting:
> > >In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from one
> >place
> > >to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Signposting here is heavily
> > >influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round)of
> > >pace/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point
>
> >in
> > >the universe, or not west of Mullingar anyway. Instead, location and
> > >distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for
> > >neighbouring road-signs. The good news is Language. Ireland is
>officially
> > >bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road-signs. This allows you
> >to
> > >get lost in both Irish and English.
> > >
> > >Clothes:
> > >Visitors to Ireland in mid-March often ask:What clothes should I bring?
> >The
> > >answer is: All of them!
> > >
> > >Religion:
> > >Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main
> >denominations
> > >being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group
> >you
> > >belong to, the correct
> > >answer is:"I'm an atheist, thank God". Then change the subject.

EdBanger

I haven't seen that in years LOL

superconor

sheer ****ing brilliance, the irish is the only culture that routinely takes the piss out of themselves.

Seaneh

de5p0i1er

The strange thing is how accurate it is, still it made me laugh and thats the point of this board, keep em coming.

bozzie

tis only a pitty its so true
it made me laff out loud

Mark

True yet roffle inducing

We need more jokes like these

Slutmonkey57b

Originally posted by superconor
sheer ****ing brilliance, the irish is the only culture that routinely takes the piss out of themselves.

Uuuh yeeesss.... Apart from... every other culture on earth of course.

SoundWave

very good 1

Tyrrial

if only we could be as stuipd and funny as the americans... the only thing which makes us smarter is the knowlage that we are pretty dumb, the americans are as yet obliviouse to there incompitance........


thier time will come

hells angels

Originally posted by Gandalf/Sean
> > >Religion:
> > >Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main
> >denominations
> > >being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group
> >you
> > >belong to, the correct
> > >answer is:"I'm an atheist, thank God". Then change the subject.

that one made me laugh...and yet it's so true...:D