Calm break up

LegacyUser

Oh where to begin..quick overview of situation may help but im sure wont draw the big picture.

Been with girlfriend 8 years ,she 24 im 27 we have 3 kids and own our own house for last 4 years(rented for 3 years previous), Due to circumstances at the time we moved in with each other after about 6 or 7 months (maybe a bit early).
Anyway whatever happened she got cut off from her mates as she moved away from that area and started work with me (we met there) but was moving into a house on the same street as me (fate methinks). So we have bascically been alone with each other for 7 years.

Anyway after a long relationship and 3 kids (aged 3 K ,D is 2 and C is 7 months ,yes I am a long time poster on boards but i have started posting this as unregged) she feels she needs a break from me.

I still love her a lot but i have hurt her in the past and hurt her real bad (not with other people type hurt) different probably worse type hurt one such incident would be before she was pregnant on C she had a miscarriage and beofre she lost the baby i was practically booking her into an abortion clinc (even tho im against abortion ) i felt we couldnt have any more children we werent physically or mentally or finanicaly strong enough.
When she lost the baby i neglected her and basically wasnt there when she needed me.
I know i was wrong but since then we have slowly drifted apart, i was on PC and net a lot and never spent a lot of time as a couple.
We havent been out with other in nearly 2 years due to no childminders(our own families wouldnt/couldnt help us by minding the children) Now we are mother and father we both love each other a lot but we havent been boyfreind girlfreind in a long time and not sure if we can be again.
I know we can be but she feels she needs a break to sort her head out and find herself again as in her words "im not J anymore im becoming a moan".

I still feel we can rekindle our relationship and have left to try and make her happy ( i did that for 7 years then stopped making her happy for some unknown reason,it was my thing i would do whatever i could to make her happy).
If i was a betting man i wouldnt bet on us living together again but its is killing me that im going to be a part time father as i adore the kids and they adore me. it hurts so bad not waking up in the morning to my kids attacking me or not putting them to bed at night and hearing "night night daddy".
We will always be a family and the break is meant only to be a short term thing but i cant see her loving me the way she used to or even letting me back to live with her and try again.
Its all been so Calm thats what makes it harder if it was rage and fights it would be easier to take but the calmness is what makes me think its over ,and i suppose im just looking to her say "its over " or something to that effect.

Im trying to give her space and staying with my alcholic parents(thats a whole other post for another time) and its driving me insane.

A

anonymity edit

WhiteWashMan

it sounds to me that oyu are drifting apart because neither of you are able to actually look at each as the person they want to be with.
you appear to look at each other as the 'mother/father' of the kids and not as the person that they fell in love with.
either get to know each other again, by spending more time together. plan things together. you will have to find some way of having the kids minded, but go out together, relight your relationship.
if it seems like too much hard work, then you probably need a good kick up the arse. you could both be depressed.

i would also recommend a stint with a councillor, either apart, or preferably together. you might sit there and learn about some of the stuff your partner is oing through and why she is the way she is. and you may discover some things about yourself that may show why oyu have been who you are.

unfortunately, you were probably a bit too young when you got together. you may both now be deciding that you want to do other thing, and that you this isnt for you, which is why you will never get a long term relationship from a childhood romance (or at least a teen one)
but you have responsabilities, and if it were me in your place, i would do what i could to get things back on the tracks again to keep that family toegther.

Beruthiel

I still feel we can rekindle our relationship and have left to try and make her happy

the thing about long term relationships, especially with kids (as WWM said) is you forget each other - all your time is spent on work, the kids, housework, it's exhausting and the effort of romancing her is just too much - tbh - I left my ex-husband for a lot of reasons, but that was one of them - you feel totally taken for granted and not at all a desirable, sexy woman anymore just a servant in the house keeping things ticking over
Romance her, big time - if you truly want her back then I believe you can do it - make her feel special, organise to have the kids taken care of on a regular basis, give her some money, send her off to get her hair done and buy an new outfit, and if it's possible (money wise) bring her to a flash restaurant like Frere Jacques, or if you can't a picnic in the park, whatever it takes - and talk to her!! tell her how you really feel from the bottom of your heart, blokes seem to have a problem with that!
This is not something you can fix over night, it will take a big effort on your part, but you need to make an effort here for the sake of you, your mrs. and the kids!

Don't let them go until all options have been covered, otherwise you will always regret

Typedef

You know.

I grew up with my mother almost exclusively. My father and mother just didn't get on in the end. Anyway, my father has a second family now and for about ten years, I wasn't actually part of that.

The point being that even though growing up as an only child, perhaps contributed to umm, choices I made in my life and then again perhaps not, doesn't make it a wierd way of being... just different.

Arguably a Nuclear family has as many drawbacks as benefits, but, there is umm no accouting for taste.

To be honest if your only justification for being with your girlfriend is your kids, then I think you are both to be commended and to be derided.

On the one hand you put your life on hold and your happiness on hold for what you believe is the welfare of your children.
Ask yourself though, if two people who don't get on/aren't in love living together for the sake of their children is really what is best for their children?

People of about 50 or so, will tell you stories about the bad old days, when the man would get paid in the boozer, drink all the money for the family, come home and beat up his family, but, of course back then the family was sacrosanct.
On the other hand I know lots of people who go out of their way to be hedonists in relationships, simply because said people think it cosmopolitan to do so (I suppose).

So the proposition I pose is, if you and your pertinent other won't be happy together, is that really the best envrionment to bring kids up in?

The answer is no and if your kids are the only reason you have to be with this chick, then perhaps that is the reason why the two of you aren't together.

whatever