Northside V Southside jokes

paddyc

Was trying to remember these at the week end but drew a blank

can some one spill a few out for me, pls

paddy

hussey

What do you call a northsider in a museam?

Lost.

why was the southsider visiting Finglas?

He was looking for his car.

What do ya call a Lexus on the northside?

Burnt-out

GuanYin

Originally posted by hussey
What do you call a northsider in a museam?

Lost.

hehe... I've never even seen a "museam" never mind been lost in one! :P

GerardKeating

what do ya call a northside in a suit ?

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The Defendant...

TomTom

How do you get a northsider to wear condoms?



Print adidas on it.

cr1spy

What separates humans from the animals?

-The Liffey


Why did the Southside girl go out with the Northside guy?

-To get her handbag back


Why do birds fly upside-down over the Northside?

-Because its not worth sh*tting on

stereo_steve

How does a northsider propose to his girlfriend?

Your bleedin' wha?


How do you know that a northsider girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her chips!


How do you get a northsider pregnant?

Cum on her leg and let the flies do the work!

Acidflash

Originally posted by TomTom
How do you get a northsider to wear condoms?



Print adidas on it.

lol

Capt'n Midnight

What the difference between northside girls and southside ones ?
Northside girls have fake jewelry and real orgasims.

Tyrrial

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
What the difference between northside girls and southside ones ?
Northside girls have fake jewelry and real orgasims.

oooh that's good!

Elmo

What is a "crèche" on the southside?

Its when two cars crash into one another.

How many southsiders does it take to put in a light bulb?

Like they would do any menial jobs

Capt'n Midnight

The things where one keeps one potatoes..

Hobbes

All I'm seeing is northside jokes.

Incidently, I was at a party on the southside one time and being the only person from the northside they thought it would be funny to give me a rendition of all the northside jokes they knew. So I started saying southside ones back and they all started getting annoyed (probably because they were cutting close to the bone).

How does a southsider get a day off work?
"Daddy I don't feel well"

How does a southsider get a week off work?
Phones thier mother.

SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN:
*******************************************
NAME___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
____________
_________________(if longer, please continue on separate sheet)
SCHOOL____________________
DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

de5p0i1er

Loved that maths quiz hobbes.

what do you call a northsider in a semi-detacthed 4 bedroom house?

A Burgler.

Hobbes

A southsider called Roly after driving to the northside gets hopelessly lost and deceides to ask a northsider for directions. He stops up beside a guy called Tommo who offers to lead him back to town if he gives him a lift. So he agrees and lets him get into the back of the car (Which is a Merc btw).

About halfway there Tommo asks him what the logo on the bonnet is. Roly thinks "ha ha another stupid northsider. Lets play a trick on him". So Roly tells Tommo that it is a gun sight for the cannons in the front of his car. Tommo's eyes light up as Roly explains the rate of fire and aiming process involved.

Just about then Tommo shouts out "look ahead on that bicycle! That's Johnno! He's a right C**T, shoot the SOB!". Roly getting worried now of what may happen to him if he is found out says "Ok! Arming cannons". As they drive up Roly starts to make gun noises under his breath, then as they drive by says "I tried but he was going to slow and the cannons couldn't lock".

"Don't worry about it" replies Tommo "I got the bastard with your door!".

Capt'n Midnight

In the A&E dept. the doctor was about to treat the victim of a mugging and asked the nurse where the hemorage was.

"whaa ?"
"I was asking the nurse where you were bleeding from."
"Bleedin Darndale !"

---

Visual Gag (do the actions...)

Why do northsiders keep pigeons ?

To teach their children how to walk.

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What do Northsiders use for protection when having sex ?

Bus Shelters

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What do you call that small box attached to the end of a satellite dish ?

A council house. (It's a UK joke)

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What do you say to a Northsider with a new job

Big Mac and fries please.

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Real Grafitti on the "Welcome to Coolock" sign - a long time ago.
Twinned with Beruit

Cozpyro

What's the difference between a Northside girl and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball!!!

JohnK

lol
all brilliant

jobonar

Classic. Im a northsider and i still found them funny!!!:D

pencilsharp

Anyone got any new jokes??I've recently started going out with a guy from Tallaght (he tells me its the nice part, lol, only joking, hes a nice guy thats all that matters!). Anyway I'm from the northside and he keeps coming up with all these jokes about northsiders (which I do actually for the most part find funny!).


But I need some ammunition to get back at him! The jokes I found about southsiders are pretty lame!!

I found this one but its a bit long to tell!

An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The Tallaght man shouts, 'f**k off, I'm on disabilitybenefit!'

I want a few one liners if possible please!!

Elmo

pencilsharp wrote: »

Anyone got any new jokes??I've recently started going out with a guy from Tallaght (he tells me its the nice part, lol, only joking, hes a nice guy thats all that matters!). Anyway I'm from the northside and he keeps coming up with all these jokes about northsiders (which I do actually for the most part find funny!).


But I need some ammunition to get back at him! The jokes I found about southsiders are pretty lame!!

I found this one but its a bit long to tell!

An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The Tallaght man shouts, 'f**k off, I'm on disabilitybenefit!'

I want a few one liners if possible please!!

Old one and you could use it as a Northside joke. Many of the Northside jokes have also be turned into Tallaght jokes.

keano_afc

How do you know you're in a Southsider's house?

There's a sheet of newspaper under the cuckoo clock.

Bigus

Cozpyro wrote: »

What's the difference between a Northside girl and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball!!!

What have bowling balls and northside girls got in common.

They both like a finger up the hole and being f**cked up alleys

hardCopy

pencilsharp wrote: »

Anyone got any new jokes??I've recently started going out with a guy from Tallaght (he tells me its the nice part, lol, only joking, hes a nice guy thats all that matters!). Anyway I'm from the northside and he keeps coming up with all these jokes about northsiders (which I do actually for the most part find funny!).


But I need some ammunition to get back at him! The jokes I found about southsiders are pretty lame!!

I found this one but its a bit long to tell!

An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The Tallaght man shouts, 'f**k off, I'm on disabilitybenefit!'

I want a few one liners if possible please!!

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale has hit Tallaght in the early hours of Friday 16th January 2004.

Epicentre: The Square Shopping Centre.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "...bleedin story?", "aaaaawrigh' bud" and "fUUUcksake". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately EUR30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Crete and Santa Ponza were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheque arrived.

The Tallaght News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage had not been caused by illegal means.

One resident - Alexis Crystal Duffy, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "Ih was such a ####in' shock, me little wan Chardonnay Mercedes cem runnin' into me bedruem cryin'. Me youngisst two: Tyler-Morgan n Megan-Brooklyn slept tru ih all. Buh I was still shakin' when I was watchin' ####in' Rikki Lake leh-er in the ####in' mornin". Apparently though, looting, muggings and incidental crime carried on as normal and were not affected.

The Irish Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Strongbow, Dutch Gold, frozen pizza and John Player Blue to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include welfare books, jewellery including thousands of sovereign rings, many large medallions and Hash leaf ear rings from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and fine Bone China from Tommy's Wonderland of Value.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
* Fila or Kappa baseball caps,
* Hoodies (any type)
* Tommy Hilfiger tracksuits (his and hers)
* Nike/Adidas Shell suits (female)
* White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in TK Maxx.
* Anything from Magic or Unique Boutique.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, as refrigeration may be a problem, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

* McCains oven chips
* Heinz baked beans
* Goodfellas Frozen Pizza
* Coke/Fanta
* Strongbow Cider
* Smirnoff Ice.
* John Player Blue 15's. (unmarried mother handy pack)

And remember that your contribution counts!
Just 22c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and bookie slips. Just EUR5.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. Only EUR6.00 will pay for a packet of 20 Major to calm the nerves of those affected.

Note: Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of such plush accommodation is unfair on the population of the local halting sites.

admiralofthefleet

stereo_steve wrote: »

How do you know that a northsider girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her chips!

how do you know when a southside girl has had an orgasm?

she drops her accent




all these jokes baffle me, there are more working class and rough areas on the southside

DJCR

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

how do you know when a southside girl has had an orgasm?

she drops her accent

all these jokes baffle me, there are more working class and rough areas on the southside

YOur talking about the "deep south side" - too far south so to speak :D

admiralofthefleet

DJCR wrote: »

YOur talking about the "deep south side" - too far south so to speak :D

still south of the liffey

Elmo

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

still south of the liffey

Lots of posh northside areas but then they are the outer regions of the northside often confused by their need to detach themselves from other groups of northsiders, often involving a Dort accent.

condra

What do Southside men and tampons have in common?
...They're both stuck up c***s

Whats the difference between a Southside man and a Northside girl?
...One drives a coupe, wears lots of makeup, and loves yoga. The other has a vagina.

What's have Southside men and archaeologists have in common?
...Both have an unhealthy obsession with their mummys.

What did the Southsider say to the Northsider who was hitting on his girlfriend?
...Nothing, he was too much of a pussy.

Why do homeless people run around the Southside with forks in their hands?
.... because everyone there has a chip on their shoulder

Why did the Southside girl get hit by a car?
... because she was trying to snort the white line on the road.

What did baby Saoirse get for her 1st birthday?
.....piano lessons.

What do you call a Southsider doing a job interview?
.... an orphan.

hairy sailor

What do you call a northside girl in a white tracksuit?

The Bride

desiredbard

Lads
A good couple of years back there was kinda a "hit" thingy youtube ...northside southside song...
Not Damo and Ivor...
What the F was that called again