The Irish do have a way with words

LoneGunM@n · 22-04-2003 7:36pm #1

The Irish do have a way with words….

This a real letter, which somebody posted to the Tax Office in IRELAND, explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years. This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter, received by the Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer, in reply to an Income Tax demand.

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived us in melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the account should have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn’t. Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1988 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had collapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other on to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing in the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the f*cking eunuch who was now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down the expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children’s allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment, so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife s*it the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the f*cking knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay the f*cker’s funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don’t pay up. If you can think of anything I’ve missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog’s hole with a red hot needle.

I’m praying for a cloud of cat’s p*ss to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit.

John Murphy.