Cybar?

Moriarty

Funniest stuff ive seen in aaaages.. last one is the epitemy of class.


bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of *censored*.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

---

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

---

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh *censored*
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh *censored*
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

---

bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
bloodninja: What like gardening an *censored*?
Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.

(pause)

Katie_007: is that it?
bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?

(pause)

bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... sexily.
bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.
Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this *censored* is HOTT.
Katie_007: ...
bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Katie_007: whatever.

---

murph_304: hi
murph_304: there
bIond_n_a_vette: hi ya stud
murph_304: hows your cat
bIond_n_a_vette: hungry for your manhood
murph_304: so how did you afford to get a vette..??
bIond_n_a_vette: i worked a lot of hours on my back, want ride me?
bIond_n_a_vette: i am more fun to ride in than my vette
murph_304: Hmmmmm, really?
bIond_n_a_vette: yes
murph_304: how old are you.?
bIond_n_a_vette: 23
murph_304: and what do you look like..??
bIond_n_a_vette: blond, with big tits
murph_304: where are you from..
bIond_n_a_vette: houston
murph_304: damn, a long way away.... but i wish i was there........
bIond_n_a_vette: want to have sex over the phone?
murph_304: it will cost a fortune............
bIond_n_a_vette: ill call you then
bIond_n_a_vette: whats your number?
murph_304: but i'm from sydney, australia
murph_304: not even in the us
bIond_n_a_vette: i dont care, i want to hear your manly voice
murph_304: i cant at the moment...... but add me to your friends list and maybe we can later..
bIond_n_a_vette: its now or never
murph_304: Whats your name anyway
bIond_n_a_vette: Ralph
murph_304: Ralph..????????/

---

J-Dogg: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Partner: mmmm, okay.
J-Dogg: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Partner: Yeah I like it rough.
J-Dogg: I smack you thick booty.
Partner: Oh yeah, that feels good j.
J-Dogg: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
J-Dogg: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Partner: you like that?
J-Dogg: I peel some bananas.
Partner: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
J-Dogg: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Partner: Peanuts?
J-Dogg: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Partner: What are you talking about?
J-Dogg: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Partner: This is stupid.
J-Dogg: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
J-Dogg: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
J-Dogg: Yeeaahhhh.
Partner: /ignore
J-Dogg: Its cool stone cold she was a b*tch anyway.
J-Dogg: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.

---

<cont..>

Moriarty

<..cont>

Girl: Hi
Boy: hello
Boy: who is this?
Girl: just a someone?
Boy: A someone I know?
Girl: nope
Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
Girl: well sorrrrrry
Girl: I just wanted to chat with you
Boy: why?
Girl: nevermind your an asshole
Boy: Hey wait a minute
Girl: yes?
Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
Girl: paranoid?
Boy: yes
Girl: of what?
Girl: me?
Boy: No. I'm in hiding.
Girl: LOL
Boy: Don't ******* laugh at me!
Boy: This *censored* is serious!
Girl: What are you hiding from?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: gimme a ******* break
Boy: I'm serious.
Girl: I don't get it
Boy: The cops are after me.
Girl: For what?
Boy: I'm wanted in three states
Girl: For???
Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.
Boy: I had sex with a turkey.
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You are ******* sick.
Boy: Send me your picture.
Girl: why?
Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.
Girl: One of what?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: I'm not a cop i told you
Boy: Then send me your picture.
Girl: hold on
Boy: Hurry up.
Boy: Are you there?
Boy: **** you, cop!
Girl: Hey sorry
Girl: I had to do something for my mom.
Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.
Boy: Weren't you!?
Girl: thats not it
Boy: Then what?
Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
Boy: Most cops aren't
Girl: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU DICKHEAD!
Boy: Then send me the picture.
Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?
Boy: Just send it through here.
Girl: alright *PIC*
Girl: Did you get it?
Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.
Girl: That was me back in may
Girl: I've lost weight since then.
Boy: I hope so
Girl: what?!?
Girl: that hurt my feelings.
Boy: Did it?
Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
Girl: yes
Boy: Alright let me find it.
Girl: kks
Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*
Girl: this isn't you.
Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!
Girl: You don't look like that.
Boy: How the hell do you know?
Girl: cause your profile has another picture.
Boy: The profile pic is a fake.
Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.
Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.
Girl: Go **** yourself
Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture
Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.
Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.
Girl: you hurt me.
Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
Girl: I thought you were bull****ting me!
Boy: Why would I do that?
Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you
Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
Girl: FUC YOU!!!
Boy: You'd break both of his legs.
Girl: You're a ******* asshole.
Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.
Girl: No you aren't
Boy: You're right. I'm not.
Boy: HAARRRRR!
Girl: I'm done with you
Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.
Girl: I'm putting you on ignore
Boy: Wait a sec
Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.
Boy: Wanna start over?
Girl: No
Boy: I'll eat your pussy
Girl: You'll what?
Boy: You heard me.
Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.
Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Boy: Well I'm not like most men.
Boy: I get excited in different ways.
Girl: Like what?
Boy: Do you really wanna know?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.
Girl: I'm afraid to
Boy: Why?
Girl: cause
Boy: cause why?
Girl: well lets see
Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?
Boy: Nope
Girl: well its strange to me
Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
Girl: I didn't say that
Boy: So is that a yes?
Girl: I guess so.
Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Boy: Are you willing?
Girl: What do you need me to do?
Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.
Girl: ???
Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Boy: ok?
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You can't be serious
Boy: Oh yes I am!
Boy: It's my fantasy.
Girl: this is retarded
Boy: Do you want it or not?
Girl: Yes I want it.
Boy: Then you'll do it for me?
Girl: sure
Boy: Ok. Here we go.
Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.
Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.
Girl: mmmm yeah
Boy: uh oh ...going limp.
Girl: Har
Boy: You gotta do better than that!
Boy: Your picture was really bad.
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.
Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
Girl: mmmmmm you are good
Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
Boy: going limp
Girl: HARRRRRRR
Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.
Boy: going limp
Girl: this is stupid
Boy: ...still limp
Boy: Do it!
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Boy: I see *censored* nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
Girl: WTF?!?!?
Boy: They stink really bad.
Girl: OMG STOP!!!
Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Boy: I ram it up your ass.
Girl: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Boy: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
Boy: I kick you in the face!
Girl: **** YOU ASSHOLE!!
Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
Boy: Your parrot flys away.
Boy: ...going limp again.
Boy: Hello?
Boy: Say it!
Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

---

J-Dogg: You there baby??
Partner2: Yeah I'm here.
J-Dogg: You ready?
Partner2: Okay.
J-Dogg: I take off my trenchcoat I'm nekked beneath, with pistols on my belt.
Partner2: Cowboy boots?
J-Dogg: WWI era trench issue boots.
Partner2: okay...
J-Dogg: Help me pull my boots off baby.
Partner2: Whats that smell?
J-Dogg: Rotting toes.
Partner2: Ummm...
J-Dogg: My boots pop off. My feet are black. The toes crumble off with the slightest touch. The dead black tissue that was once my skin chips off in large crispy flakes. A smell of death pervades the room. Gangrenous pus drips from the ends of the stumps where my toes were. I look deep in your eyes, and shove my tongue down your throat.
Partner2: ...
J-Dogg: You carress my ass, and trim my pubes...

---

J-Dogg: Ok baby, you promise me you will stick around till I'm done?
(partner4: Ben Affleck, alone on a saturday night because he is a peice of moldy rat sh*t, is posing as a young girl looking for cyber partners.)
Ben:Yeah Mr. Dogg. Anything for you, you are so handsome and studly.
J-Dogg: Good, now I'm into some wierd sh*t, so don't be surprised aight?
Ben: ok mr. Doggy I promise.
J-Dogg: Aight then, we settle down on the couch...
Ben: Oh romantic? This isn't wierd, I like it like that baby. What else.
J-Dogg: I put in a movie so that your mom can't hear us. It is called "Good Will Hunting".
Ben: Aaahhhh....
J-Dogg: I like this movie a lot.
Ben: Ok, thats cool.
J-Dogg: You start getting frisky so I put my hand down your undies. They have care bears on them. You are my 15 year old niece and we are in my aunts house.
Ben: ohhhh I like where this is going...
J-Dogg: Suddenly this f*ck with short dark hair comes on the TV screen. I think his name is Ben something. He is a real piece of moldy rat sh*t. I can't keep it up because of him. I need some shark fin soup.
Ben: What the f*ck, you are the piece of sh*t, what you got against Ben Affleck, I heard he's real good in the sack, and gets ALL the ladies.
J-Dogg: Yeah right, I bet he's at home right now geting it on with some guy.
Ben: F*ck you I'm out of here. And Ben Affleck is 100% not gay, I can assure you of that.
(Ben logs off and cries himself to sleep)
J-Dogg: Goddammit, not again.
J-Dogg: Still not hard either.
J-Dogg: F*ck.

---

Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and sh*t. You know, rollin with tha homies and sh*t.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh sh*t, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only f*ck women...
J-Dogg: Sh*t just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
Partner6: You dipsh*t.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...
J-Dogg: please don't shoot me Mr.

---

<cont..>

Moriarty

<.. cont>

J-Dogg: I see you in line at the supermarket. Our eyes meet.
Partner8: Who the f*ck are you?
J-Dogg: I mouth the words to you, as if in slow motion:
J-Dogg: F*ck me, F*ck me.
J-Dogg: My wishes are like poetry in your eyes. We want this moment to last forever.
Partner8: OMFG are you trying to cyber me?
J-Dogg: We are like two dancers, for whom the music never stops. I Kiss the top of your hand. You are taken aback by the bulge that forms in your thigh.
Partner8: Is that like cancer?
J-Dogg: If cancer is our love, then I hope you don't have the technology of chemotherapy.
Partner8: Good one romeo.
J-Dogg: You grab the bulge that you feel. you tihink it must be taking over your mind, theres nothing else you can think of. My tubesteak to you is like a beautiful japanese haiku. The salmon swim at night. Towards your room. The snow and the moon.
Partner8: that was never a haiku.
J-Dogg: To your light bulb I am the Thomas Edison of your sex. Withought my light you would be lost in a sea of darkness.
Partner8: That made even less sense than your "haiku"
J-Dogg: So you ready to f*ck then?
Partner8: You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.
J-Dogg: ...
Partner8: ?
J-Dogg: I'm spent.

---

Jdogg:Hey
QT-Pie:Hey
Jdogg:whats goin on
QT-Pie:Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg:Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie:what does that mean?
Jdogg:what are you wearing?
QT-Pie:T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg:Garter belt?
QT-Pie:Ummm...no.
Jdogg:Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg:Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your p*ssy stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg:You leave everything to jdogg.
Jdogg:I am completely inside of you. You are my d*ck puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie:This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.

---

J-dogg:Hey Kate, I saw you on the hs chatroom
J-dogg:Your pretty funny
DirtyKate:I don't remember you.. but thanx
J-dogg:Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate:OK, but don't tell anybody
DirtyKate:Who are you?
J-dogg:I graduated two years ago. I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out
a lot. Right now I'm going to Auburn
J-dogg:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my new Sebring
DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
J-dogg:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
J-dogg:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
J-dogg:Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate:Umm...Yes
DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
J-dogg:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.

<pause>

DirtyKate:Jdogg, I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
J-dogg:You can't hurry good pizza.
J-dogg:I'm on my way now though

<pause>

DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
J-dogg:How did you know?
J-dogg:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
J-dogg:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate:Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
J-dogg:So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
J-dogg:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit
through the front door....
DirtyKate:What the f*ck?
DirtyKate:You perverted piece of sh*t
DirtyKate:F*ck



I have pained sides after reading them

nanook

should that not be in humor

GoneShootin

LOL,.,,well done Morarity

Washout

ohhh man that is some of the funniest *censeored* Ive ever read

hells angels

ha ha there were ****in class..

#You unbutton my pants, spew your load at the sight of my underwear, and your spent.. LOL

elexes

wrong board but nice non the less classic

TomTom

very good, but that should be in humor

Wolf

Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Boy: I see *censored* nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
Girl: WTF?!?!?
Boy: They stink really bad.
Girl: OMG STOP!!!
Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Boy: I ram it up your ass.
Girl: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Boy: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
Boy: I kick you in the face!


Omg I nearly died laughing at that bit

Just so im not left out tho......(ahem)

tut tut that should be in humor! :mad:

STaN

OMFG, took ages to read but f*ckin worth it LOL!!

the britney bit is brilliant

ciano

That is the funniest stuff I've ever read on boards.ie! Classic!!!

Tusky

hahaha classic, where did you get them logs ? or are you j-dog ?

Pugsley

rofl! the last one is pure genius!

Tiesto

not a sniff of me reading all that
cud one of ye read it out to me please

sixpack's little hat

classic! i wanna be a troll when i grow up