catch22 situation (yes it involves women)

LegacyUser

ok boards help me out here.

i have a problem. there is this girl i like very much. i was out one night with the lads and she turned up as a friend of one of my mates. i never met her before. anyway the craic started and i didnt really get talking to her till later in the night.there was a number of lads with her.

any i tired to make it clear i liked her but i was thinking one of the lads with her was her bf which turned out to be true.

any she gave me her number at the end of the night even though i didnt ask for it.
thats was earlier this year. i started texting her anyway just asking how things were etc. nothing to serious.

havent meet her out since. have seen her around college now and again and she does talk to me when i see her.she asked me to lunch last week but i couldnt go as i was working and had just been to lunch.

the problem is how do i ask her if she still has the bf with out letting her know i really like her. if i mention the bf she going to know how i feel and i want to remain friends.The friend how introduced us is no help. but the clock is ticking as its coming near the end of college.

the only night left for me to try it with her is the night she finishes here exams but thats going to mad busy out and difficult to meet up with her as she might be heading back down home for the summer after college as well but i can easily ask her that in a text.

the problem is how do i find out if the bf is still on the scene and then whats the next move.

i in galway and i will be there till july and then i move away for a while.

Thanks for any advice.

Caffine

well been in this situation more then once

if u just ask does she havea bf straight of she will obviously know why your asking

but what id do is ask how he is (presumeing u know teh guys name) shell problly just take it as part of the conversation, then maybe ask are they still together, once again just part of the conversation, if they are and u dont want to try anything it will problly just look like u were being nice and got stuck for something to say

Drunk pirate

Keep trying. Use all you time. Dinner at 6 0'clock or somthing like that. It doesnt have to be a date. More of a "hang out" in a sence. Then ask the questions. You dont wanna wait till the last day and run into the collage while it's lashing and start shouting at her window you love her. Noting hill type crap.....

smiles

If you're moving home for the summer and she has a boyfriend then there is no point in making a move until you'll be able to see her alot.

I suggest talking to her over the summer and building up your friendship and maybe see how you feel when you're both back in college.

<< Fio >>

LegacyUser

just a few points.

i dont know the bfs name.

she is busy studying for her exams so dinner at 6 is not easy.i am not hugh grant.

i am not moving home till end of july , dunno if she is moving home. i wont be back in september and i doubt she will juding by what she told me in regards to howshe going to do in her exams.

if she staying around in galway thats 3 months till we need to worry.

sceptre

Originally posted by hardtopickaname
if i mention the bf she going to know how i feel

No she won't. Half way through the conversation you drop in "you're still going out with <name> aren't you?" or "how's it going with <name>?"

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who can do that in a casual manner (mostly because 99% of the time it's just a general "how are you" query.

smiles' advice is well-worth taking on board.

edit: ah, read your last post now. Ignore what Fio said above (though it would usually be good advice). Shove in "yer man, er, whatsisname" for <name> above.

Can you not grab her for coffee some time?
(doing coffee would be good before trying to grab her in some drunken haze:))

(you can easily find out if she's still going out with that chap over the phone but it's easier to do the body movement/pupil movement watching thing in person)

Caffine

true

build up a friendship like smiles said, always the best way to start things, youll get to know her a lot better and find out if shes staying etc, then go from there, if it doesnt work odds are youll still be friends

Doodee

if shes happy with her boyfriend then dont go trying anything tbh,
especially if your only gonna get about 2 months outta the relationship, theres no point spoiling it for them unless she feels the same way but doesnt want to risk anything.
Honesty is the best policy, and tbh, if u come clean with her, and u get turned down, u dont have to see her again next year.
but tbh, If i were in that situation, i wouldnt go chasing her, they are BF and GF for a reason.

Crash

Tbh going after someone who's with someone is always not a good situation to be in. unless she's unbelievably worth it and you go after her while she's with someone else, it can get messy and then you've blown all your chances. my opinion anyway.

Doodee

yea, i agree with foobar

Victor

Originally posted by hardtopickaname
she asked me to lunch last week but i couldnt go as i was working and had just been to lunch.

Which shows she has some interest in you. Just ask her next time you see her to go for a coffee (not too time intensive). And she gave you her number. This would indicate she doesn't think you are a complete idiot.

Originally posted by hardtopickaname
the problem is how do i find out if the bf is still on the scene and then whats the next move.

Just be a friend. A friend doesn't try to move in on someone in a relationship.

Originally posted by hardtopickaname
i in galway and i will be there till july and then i move away for a while.

Plenty of time if she is still around. Otherwise, you still have her number.

Doodee

it will be harder for you to go out as a friend if you have feelings for the girl, but yea, it may be a good idea.

just get talking to her and see if you have alot in common/opposites. Tbh, if your not in the best communicational state then you could be building her up to be something that she is not.
Whatever you do, dont go chasing her tail while she is still with someone, you may regret it afterwards, or may even get hurt when she tells you where to go.
Just talk to the girl more, get friendlier, but dont have any hidden agendas

mooman_00

havent read the rest of the posts but......

what wrong with her thinkin you might be interested in her?

Anyway if you see her ask her along to the pub or some other social gathering with you and a few of your mates(if you havent got one set up already, the minute she leaves go about setting one up). Not a piss up but someplace where you can chat without her thinkin your tryin to get her pants off(not a dungeons and dragons meeting either unless she is actively into that sort of thing) but somewhere where ye can talk comfortably in the presence of a few mates....

Tell her she can bring her boyfriend if he wants to come, this will lead you to wheither she has one or not without letting her know too much.....



otherwise stalk her for a week, kill any males she comes in contact with and take her off to your remote hidden castle where she will learn to love you in captavity*

*joke (not recomended, it never works in the films or with gorillas!)

uberwolf

having skipped the last few posts...

if ur not going to see her after[insert time here] then you can drop the subtlety or at least be more direct, cos ur running out of time otherwise.

DeadBankClerk

Kell

Originally posted by DeadBankClerk

My God- DBC speaks the truth!! Have to agree. Whats wrong with her knowing that you like her? Ask her if she is still attached and if she asks why tell her outstraight " Well, um, err, I thought that if you werent you umm, ah, err might like to hook up with me for a (insert choice of coffee, dinner, lunch, beer, whatever)"

Go for it. You know you want to.

K-

Trojan

She gave you her number, unsolicited. She's interested.

What are you gonna do about it? Well, what I would say in a coffee/drink date situ is something like "You know I like you, but I'm not comfortable with the fact that you have a bf, and I don't think anything will happen between us if that remains the same" - it's truthful, moral, and non-threatening (depending on how one says it).

Al.

LegacyUser

well i told her how i feel. not in the best of methods either.

Yes its my good/bad friend the text message and not just that but to have the balls to do it i had to have a few pints.so i typed a drunken text and dont even remneber what i said.

i dont even remenber sending it but i do remenber getting a delivery report back.

i got no reply as of yet and have not seen her around today.

but i still have "my friends got a hold of my phone and sent loads of stupid texts card" to play.

so what to do now?

i know i could have lost a good freind but its had to be said and you only live once. the worst thing is i might actually have to face her again but it could be all for the best.

very few times have i taken the plungs like this.if it doesnt work out ill put it down to experience.

Imposter

Originally posted by hard2pickaname
well i told her how i feel. not in the best of methods either.

IMO Shyness is one thing...

but i still have "my friends got a hold of my phone and sent loads of stupid texts card" to play.

.. but stupidity is far worse! If she says anything to you about this I think you are best being honest about it.

i know i could have lost a good freind but its had to be said and you only live once. the worst thing is i might actually have to face her again but it could be all for the best.

very few times have i taken the plungs like this.if it doesnt work out ill put it down to experience.

Exactly

DeadBankClerk

Ring Her.

Typedef

Originally posted by Trojan
She gave you her number, unsolicited. She's interested.

What are you gonna do about it? Well, what I would say in a coffee/drink date situ is something like "You know I like you, but I'm not comfortable with the fact that you have a bf, and I don't think anything will happen between us if that remains the same" - it's truthful, moral, and non-threatening (depending on how one says it).

Al.

You could do that.

You could also take her to bed and forget about all that morality mumbo jumbo.

*ahem*
The trolls contained in this post do not necessarily effect your right to countertroll.
All rights reserved.

mooman_00

Originally posted by hard2pickaname
but i still have "my friends got a hold of my phone and sent loads of stupid texts card" to play.

depends if your playing the i never want to get with her game!!! otherwise as imposter said telling her straight up that you were drunk when you sent it but its how you feel is the best way to go....

dont ring her, or txt her in my opinion as this will look, (possibly), in her eyes, as you hounding her,(for want of a better word), when she may or may not be interested..............

you have fukked it slightly, at least if you did say it in person you could judge her reaction and know what to do next, as it stands you dont know shiit and cant really do anything but wait for her reply...

and if you cant remember what you txted then how do you know that you told her?? sorry im just being an ass....


all in all put it down to experience all that has happened and all that might happen cuz there is no point pondering about it......

Jaeger

Despite being in it's infancy, the DTM (Drunken Text Message) is almost an institution. It's pretty much compulsive these days, if you have any young one on your mind, and if you're drunk with a phone, you are going to text her. And usually not very legibly either.

At this stage I know people who have to get other people to hide their phones before they head out that night. Nothing worse than been shown a "drukn tx ms" the morning after. Nothing makes you look like more of a dickhead to a woman than only being able to talk to her when you're drunk. At that stage, she'll know she can have you anytime she wants. Congratulations. You are now a dick in a glass case. Broken in emergency only.

Nothing you can do about the text message mate, although I'll agree with the guys, you have made a complete toss of it. Perhaps with your level of expertise with women (it's about the same, if not more than mine at the moment), let it go. There's loads more out there. Yeah that sucks but hey, you live. you learn. Be straighter with the next girl.

Victor

Originally posted by Jaeger
Despite being in it's infancy, the DTM (Drunken Text Message) is almost an institution. It's pretty much compulsive these days, if you have any young one on your mind, and if you're drunk with a phone, you are going to text her. And usually not very legibly either.

Hmm double standards. Guys send DTMs, girls send booty calls.

LegacyUser

well she replied and said that she was kinda going out with someone.she knew i was drunk and sorta based the messgae on the fact i not remenber.

so i replied thanks for getting back to me and left it at that.

Trojan

Nevermind.

She may have been telling the truth, or she may have just told you that to save your feelings.

Move on & don't make the same mistake again. Drunken text messages are stupid.

Al.

DeadBankClerk

Call around to her house, and ask to talk to her. If she refuses throw stones at her window until she speaks to you. Call around everyday. Ring her everytime you think of her. She will get the message that you like her and she will fall in love.

LegacyUser

just met her in the corrider and i tried to make a run for it but she seem me and was acting like nothing happened.

my heart was saying run but i kept a straight head.

she was getting her bsu home so couldn't talk but she did ask was i feeling ok. i think i turn my phone off anymore when i am out.

so hwo should i play it now.

Trojan

How should you play it?

You don't. "Game over."

Accept that. Don't make the same mistake next time. And if you ask for advice anonymously on the Internet and actually GET good advice please ensure you follow it, otherwise we will be less willing to put up with the questions of the next infatuated teenager who comes along because we believe they won't follow the advice either.

I think that's about it. Oh, yeah - don't scare the poor girl by starting to stalk her now - Game over, remember?

Sorry to be so straight, but you didn't seem to get the message earlier.

Best of luck with your next girl - just this time, smile, talk to her, and invite her for coffee or something. Leave your phone at home.

I expect a padlock symbol to appear shortly.

Al.

LegacyUser

firstly i admitted i made a mistake in how i went about it. secondly i am not a teenager just a immature person who asks for advice on the internet.

finally i even admitted in the text i sent to her after she told how she felt that i didnt have the confidence to ask her in person.

i know its over and i wont go stalking her but i would like to keep in touch with her.

like i said i made a mistake and will learn from it for the next time if ther is one.

i am pissed off and depressed at being rejected with out people telling me "i told you so".

Trojan

Ok, lets see.

You need to get more confidence in yourself talking to people. I know of only one way to get this - action. Start talking to more people, everyday. Start up conversations with strangers, whoever, just be comfortable talking to people, be they girls, auld fellas etc. Then gradually talk to more and more girls and get comfortable talking to them. This will take weeks or possibly longer. That will raise your confidence in dealing with people, particularly girls.

[edit]
Remember the bit where I said if you get good advice, act on it? This is good advice. Act on it. Just thought I'd mention that. In a couple of months you can buy me a beer or 2 in thanks - and yes, I'm serious. I don't joke about beer.

Oh, and if you're really up for it, why not come along to boards beer on the 31st, there's ads everywhere here, you can't miss it. (You can tell me who you are too, I don't bite.)
[/edit]

If you see her, just be cool. Be friendly. Sincerely apologise once (in person), if you haven't done so, then don't mention it again. If she wants to hang out with you, she will.

There are plenty of women in the world (more than men, last time I counted). Don't beat yourself up about it, just move on.

End of Psych 101.