Elephant Jokes

Capt'n Midnight

Take away the credit card

What has 6 legs, 3 ears, 4 tusks, and 2 trunks?

An elephant with spare parts

What's the difference between an elephant and peanut butter?

Elephants don't stick to the roof of your mouth

BTW: Pygmies reckon one elephant has as much meat as 100 antelopes !

Fabritzo

An all time low for the elephant jokes thread, keep up the good work.

BlitzKrieg

I find everyones reaction funnier then the jokes. I have to ask has Pugsly killed any1 yet over this...or just himself? Cause his threats earlier looked very serious.


(or maybe he hasnt found capt. midnights address)



I hate to ask this...but are elephants...you know....your passion? or are you being paid to annoy the board.

da_deadman

these jokes and reactions are brilliant. keep up the good work capn

Victor

I told a bunch of them over time to my nieces. towards the end I asked:

Me: "What do you do with a blue elephant"
Niece (emphatic): "Ye shoot him!" (It's meant to be "Give him back his bike").

Capt'n Midnight

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".


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What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your sick ?

A get wellephant!

=================================


What's big and grey and has 16 wheels?

An elephant on roller skates!

What's grey and lights up?

An electric elephant!

Big Chief

why do you keep topping this crap thread with even worse jokes, one star for you capt'n

McGintyMcGoo

This is probably the worst joke ever, but it has an elephant in it and it no more unfunny than the rest of this thread.

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

AL][EN

aaahhhhh i'll jump on the band wagon why not

Q: What is Large and Grey and goes round and round in circles?


A: An elephant Stuck in a Revolving Door!!



- - - -


Q: If you see an Elephant in your car what time is it?

A: time to get a new car!!

Pugsley

Originally posted by McGintyMcGoo
This is probably the worst joke ever, but it has an elephant in it and it no more unfunny than the rest of this thread.

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

Im verging on tears here

Capt'n Midnight

They came to africa to look for the lost tribe of the phekarrwie. The explorers were now in the elephant grass, the map they followed across the deserts and mountains had led them to this high plateau. For days they had followed around the edges but no traces were seen. Some observers who climbed trees claimed to have seen the natives but only fleeting glimpses of a head poping up above the grass momentarily. Now they were in the sea grass trying to make contact.

Days of hacking through the vegitation and still no positive contacts. In the end one of them suggested the futility of chasing people who lived there all thier lives and the best thing to do was to wait. So they found a clearing and set up camp. From there they could hear noises in the grass and some thought they saw a head pop up above the sea of grass. For days they waited but no sign - but then as the provisions were getting low - there were signs of life, they could hear chanting and yes, they saw all saw a head pop up look around and disappear again..

Some time later a group of pygmies stopped at the edge of the clearing, one of thier number walked straight up to the expedition leaders and said in a clear voice "we're the phekarrwie"

Capt'n Midnight

A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a magician."
"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.
"We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk and sawed it in half."
"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death."

Capt'n Midnight

How do you make an elephant fly?
Well, first you need a zip about a yard long...

Sarky

Oh dear Shaft, not again...

kmart6

Why oh why did you have to drag this up again:(

Capt'n Midnight

Why don't elephants like Penguins?
Because they can't get the paper off.

Big Ears

one more and im starting a petition to get you banned.

Capt'n Midnight

Why did the mammoth cross the road?
Frozen chickens can't cross roads.

Big Ears

oh my god no some1 stop him.

quank

why all the jokes?
why not just put em in one post?

Raphael

What happened to the petition Big Ears?



Why did jimmy fall off the swing?

He had no arms!

Why couldn't he get up?

He had no legs!

Why did no one help him?

He had no friends!

What did jimmy get for christmas?

Cancer!

Knock, knock
Who's there?




















Not Jimmy!

Sorry bout the lack of elephants, but who cares really

Capt'n Midnight

Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stamping out flaming ducks.

Why do giraffes have long necks?
For spitting on burning elephants.


How are an elephant and a banana just alike?
They are both yellow . . . . uh . . . . Except for the elephant, of course.

What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
Look! A bunch of bananas coming over the hill!
(Jane was color-blind.)

Why do elephants travel in herds?
Because if they traveled in flocks, it would confuse the sheepdogs.

Why do elephants walk on four feet?
Because if they flew, you could never keep your car clean.

How do you get three elephants in a taxi?
One in the front next to the driver, and two in the back.

How do you know there is an elephant in your house?
There's a taxi outside with two impatient elephants.

How do you know there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
There's a taxi outside it with two impatient elephants.

And what if you don't notice the taxi?
There are footprints in the butter.

How do you get an elephant into the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.

How do you get two elephants in the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the first elephant, then put in the second elephant, then close the door.

How do you get six elephants in the refrigerator?
Put three elephants in a taxi, put three elephants in another taxi, then put the two taxis in the fridge.

Why are there so many elephants running loose in Africa?
Not enough refrigerators.
How do you stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot in its tail.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
He was riding with the chicken.

Why did the elephant cross himself?
The chicken was a bad driver.

After they crossed the road, the chicken and the elephant went to church. Why did the elephant cross himself?
To get to the Other Side.

There are two types of joke which are called "elephant jokes": the elephant joke proper, and the joke which merely drags a poor elephant in by its tail against its wishes, generally because it is very big and for no other reason. Many jokes of the latter sort involve sexual themes and are often just not very funny. Proper elephant jokes, however, are of a different sort altogether. The elephants do not have to be dragged in, kicking and screaming, but they cooperate nicely because it suits their natural sense of humor. A true elephant joke does not depend on the size of the elephant for its laughs, but rather on a completely different logic which demands that the hearer either submit to the peculiar rules of the world of elephant jokes, or suffer the consequences of not "getting it". True elephant jokes are, therefore, very much like the Gospel itself. When judged by the normal rules of earthly logic, it makes no sense at all. Only the one who is willing to submerge him- or herself in it completely, who can experience and accept its totally alien assumptions about reality, is really going to get the fullness of the humor, the wisdom, and the splendor of the Good News of our redemption. Same with elephant jokes. Enjoy!

http://www.celtic-catholic-church.org/extras/elephant-jokes.html

Capt'n Midnight

So one elephant says to another, "You'll never believe what happened last night. I was trying on Groucho Marx's pajamas--and he shot me!"

Piste

I dont get it.

niallb

I do

Capt'n Midnight

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Because it was stapled to the chicken.


How do you know if there is an elephant hiding in your fridge?
Foot prints in the butter.

How do you know there're 2 in there?
Door won't shut...


How can u tell there're 3?
They form a queue.


What do you give an elephant that's going to be sick?
Plenty of space

Capt'n Midnight

Gratuitous elephant joke:
Q. How do you get an elephant to fit into a Safeway bag?
A. Take the S from 'Safe' and the F from 'way'.

Capt'n Midnight

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.


How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.


What is the definition of ambition?
An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

Capt'n Midnight

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow ?
To keep from falling into the hot chocolate.


Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.


Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!


Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.


Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.


Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.


Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!


Q: What is the most frightening sound an elephant can hear?
A: A giraffe eating cherries from the next tree.


Q: How can you tell if an elephant is colourblind?
A: You can see its feet sticking out of the custard.


Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: Because they are evil bastards.


How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the door of the mini,
take the elephant out,
close the mini's door,
open the fridge,
put the elephant inside,
close the fridge.

How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.

How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a mini parked outside it.

How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a mini, four in another mini, put the two mini's in the fridge.
A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two mini's!

How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two mini's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.


Q: Why don't elephants make good policemen?
A1: They can't hide behind billboards
A2: They don't look good in blue


Q: Why don't elephants like blue lace petticoats?
A: Who says they don't like blue lace petticoats?


Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp?
A: A-flat major.


Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!


Q: Why don't elephants drink Martinis?
A: Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose?


Q: How do you get down off an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down off a duck.


Q: Why do elephants wear green nail polish?
A: So they can hide in a pea-patch.


Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green and orange?
A: So they can hide in Smartie boxes.


Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a mini?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a mini.


Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on how many elephants you have to hand.


Q: What did the fifth elephant in the mini discover?
A: The sun roof.

The Clown Man

Seriously.

Best Thread Ever.

Class.